12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

Does elder DD have a relationship with her father, or has she been raised as your DH’s child?

Let her go. She's old enough to make that decision.

How much contact has your older DD had with your husband's nephew? If numbers are limited, I wouldn't be surprised your older DD hasn't been invited - take her out somewhere for a treat. Weddings are boring as hell anyway.

So your husband says the rest of you wouldn't go anyway now, even if nephew changed his mind and invited your older DD, but he also says that younger DD should be allowed to go? So would younger DD go on her own?

Let her go, you and dh should too. Its difficult with step relatives and I've experienced similar but you really can't expect them to be invited to 'blood' relatives weddings.

I'd let her go it's her choice, just like it's your choice not to go

If she's been invited is it not her choice?

She should go to her family’s wedding!
And yes, it may be unfair, but surely this is part and parcel of blending families? And should be explained to the ‘left out’ child as such? It is not a judgement on them, it is just the way it is. Every child has (or not) two sets of families, and how much they’re involved (or not) is not the other child’s fault.

I’d let her go if she’s been invited. I think you’re being a bit unreasonable. Does your husband’s nephew have more than the faintest idea who your DD from another relationship is? I mean, your uncle’s wife’s daughter from a previous man is a pretty tenuous relationship at the best of times, let alone when it comes to a wedding where guests are expensive to host and numbers usually limited.

I’d let her go if another adult will be responsible for her on the day.

I’d be taking your daughter out (with your DH) for a lovely day out/short break away elsewhere.

Step cousin. It’s not that remote.

What so they've invited you, DH and DD12 and left out DD15 ?

Or just invited DD12 on her own

It's not clear

I think in all but the closest of families, a step cousin would be considered a fairly remote relationship.

Does your Husband really not want to go because of the situation with your 15 year old daughter or because he genuinely doesn't want to go?

Is your 12 year old close to a family member that they can be in the care of, if so I'd let them go it's not their fault that their half sibling didn't get invited.

It happens in a blended families, the last thing you want is resentment between your children.

She’s a child, how is she old enough to make a decision to go to a wedding her parents aren’t attending?

These things happen where £££ is an issue especially with a wedding

If it was Sunday lunch then that's an entirely different matter

Your eldest DD isn't his relation though 🤷

You guys can get married, have a family set up and relationship and your DH can take on your child as his own - that doesn't mean everyone else in his family has to! If numbers are tight / they don't have a relationship / she isn't family, I can't understand why the ho ha tbh.

I wouldn't be limiting your youngest daughter's attendance at one of her family events because your eldest daughter who isn't family wasn't invited! I'd resent my elder half sister in that situation, I'd be wary of that happening - especially if it's obvious she's the reason you're not allowing your other daughter to attend.

I would let the 12 year old go. She has been invited and it is her family.

So your DD has been part of you and your husband's family unit since she was three, tops?

I'd let her go with grandparents if they'll take her. You can't force her to not go or she'll resent her sister but she also can understand that you don't want to if both your children aren't invited.

I would not go. Your 12 year old will learn a valuable lesson about how to treat relatives as a result.

I don't think I've ever even heard (or read) the phrase "step cousin" before, so yes I'd agree it's fairly remote!

OP I understand your position, but it's a bit sad for your DD to miss a wedding.

I would not let her go🤷‍♀️ She 12, her parents get to decide these things in my opinion.

Agree. Children don't get to make these decisions.

Why does she even know she was invited? It was foolish to tell her, under the circumstances.

It’d be a no from me. She’s 12 not an adult, she should be respecting her parents’ decision. Adults should be in charge and what they say goes not the kids. You’re quite reasonably declining the invite.
If my DS (from previous DH)was not invited to a family wedding but DH, DD and I were then we would also decline. Rude of them to not invite everyone.

Is 12 year old your child to or just husband's? If you have a 12 year old child together and your 15 yo is being excluded, the family should be embarrassed. Family doesn't end with blood. However if you've only been together a couple of years, could understand why she's not been invited but it's still a complete AH move to not invite one child when the rest of her family is invited.
12 year old is old enough to understand that her sister is her family just as much as cousin is and that kind of exclusion is wrong, if no parent is going she shouldn't be either.