12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

Sad to read your update.

Sorry your nephew has caused this (cop out everyone blaming the bride) and sorry he and none of yes family have taken steps to rectify this.

Hope you are all able to move past this. But it might be hard.

Unfortunately I feel this may shatter your children's relationship. With the 12 year old not back in her sister resentment will build. I feel your 12 year old has been selfish here. I hope you manage to do something fun with your eldest that weekend.

They invited the whole family to the night do. That's not nothing. It might be a bit much at this late stage to fit them all in for the day part. Catering and table settings will already have been decided based on them saying they weren't going.

The bride and groom really won't be losing much sleep over this. It's not going to make much difference to their lives if one uncle's family unit goes no contact with them.

Excellently put.

The 15 year now sees that she is not considered part of the extended family. What a slap in the face for her

It's going to be really tough when the 12 year old gets back as naturally she will be excited after the wedding and the special fuss made of her to enable her to go as well as her extra little holiday - which I feel enforces the fact that the 15 year old isn't family

I really want to give your 15 year old a massive hug OP

I hope you can all get through this OP

Unfortunately I feel this may shatter your children's relationship. With the 12 year old not back in her sister resentment will build. I feel your 12 year old has been selfish here. I hope you manage to do something fun with your eldest that weekend.

12yo did nothing wrong. The wedding hosts made a mess, mother chose to make a huge drama. Nothing here is her fault and she shouldn't be penalized.
The 15yo get to do fun things without the younger sister too. If she doesn't yet, soon enough she will.

I don't believe the every other invited guest accepted their invitation. They are always people who can't make it and your husband's nephew could have given one of those invites to your daughter when he realised the problem if he actually gave a shit, your MIL also could have encouraged it.

I don't believe that one extra seat couldn't have been fitted in either.

I am impressed by your husband not going. I hope your 15 year old takes comfort from that.

Your 12 year old is a just a child. A selfish one but she's 12 and doesn't know any better.

Your 12 year old is a just a child. A selfish one but she's 12 and doesn't know any better.

Agreed. And that’s why it should have been a decision made by her parents - that the family wouldn’t go. She is too young to understand the upset she’s caused and the potential long term repercussions of that. As others have said, she may have seriously fractured her relationship with her sister for the long term.

As others have said, she may have seriously fractured her relationship with her sister for the long term.

It would have been fractured if she was made to miss out.

I'm so sorry OP. I hope your 15 year old is ok. Your husband is a good man for sticking by his principles and his wife and elder daughter. Take heart in that.

I missed the vote! But think you are not unreasonable, for what it's worth. Bloody families, eh?

Absolutely feel for your kick in the guts reaction.
Sounds like you are not alone in being unimpressed by the bride's behaviour, which is reassuring.
It won't necessarily solve everything but plan a lovely weekend with your elder daughter whilst the wedding is happening. Real spoil her.
Then consider how you will interact with the family going forwards - if they are causing divisions between your daughters, you may have to limit contact.
Good luck

Do you really think it’s on the same resentment level?

One daughter is being asked to miss one extended family event- and seems to have a large family with many previous and potential events.

The other daughter has been made to feel excluded and unwanted within the only extended family she has ever known. She now doesn’t want to see the woman she has known as her grandmother since she was 3 because of it.

I think that if the 12-year-old did not go to the wedding, at some point in the future after she had more maturity, she would understand why so I think it less likely there would be a permanent fracture. But, ever the optimist, I think that there is a good possibility that the 12-year-old will have a better understanding later of the hurt the situation has caused her sister and hopefully express that and help heal the breach.

I think this is exactly right and far better expressed than I managed!

I think that if the 12-year-old did not go to the wedding, at some point in the future after she had more maturity, she would understand why so I think it less likely there would be a permanent fracture.

The 15yo was not invited - damage was done right there.
Had the 12yo been forced to miss out too - the message would have been she was penalized for being born into a blended family. But it wouldn't have saved the sister from exclusion by the extended family.

This.
How devastating for your eldest girl.

OP I think it is very sad that DH's family. His Nephew, His DB and his MIL. have been allowed to impose their ideas on your own family unit, which excludes your 15 year old.

I do wonder if the MIL "begging" her to come has been presenting this view to the 12 year old and filling her head with more of this exclusion nonsense.

12 year old felt that if she didn't go then the others might not invite her to anything else.
What made her feel that?
She feels that she has a full sister while accepting that her family don't have to see this.
Who told her this?

I would feel very differently about all of them from now on for doing this and I would find it very hard to deal with them.

It has been explained to them that this is hurtful to your 15 year old yet they have persisted, without apology, without caring about causing division between children so that now the two sisters are talking about who belongs and who doesn't, yet they are still campaigning to get the included one to come and will no doubt be telling her how justified this is.

It's not even about the cost of her invitation or limits on places, which I am imagining you would have happily paid to avoid this. Its about them insisting that she is excluded and in sticking to this position making sure that everyone in your little family unit understands this exclusion.

What is going through their brains? What possible benefit/satisfaction can they be getting from this exclusion of one child and what difference would it have made to them if she had been allowed to attend.

No the message would have been to show how unprotected it is to have your sisters back not put a day of fun at a wedding over the bind and relationship with her sister.

By going she is telling her sister that she agrees with her relatives that she is not a full member of her family.

100 percent this! I can't believe how unreasonable the responses are in this thread!

I think she’s just an unpleasant person.

It would have been fractured if she was made to miss out.

I disagree - I think she’d have been pissed off with her mum if she were made to miss out. But that’s the natural order of things; kids don’t agree with every parental decision at the time (and yes, maybe this one might be one she’d remember). But this will be huge in her sister’s mind. And it’s probably set some sort of precedent for the future; there’ll be a point where the older one could be gracious towards the younger one for the sake of family harmony - and she’ll probably look to use it to make a point.
Kids do remember these things.

We have no idea whether denying her the opportunity to go would create long term resentment and damaged relationships or not. It absolutely could though, and there have been threads made about younger siblings, as adults, airing their grievances about things like this.

The 12 year old shouldn’t be put in that position by her mother. She is entitled to want to spend time with her extended family, even without her sister. It isn’t her fault she was born into a blended family, and it isn’t on her to take any side in a fight that has nothing to do with her.

She doesn’t consider her sister any less of a sister than a full biological one, but she recognizes that others have the right to their own opinions on the matter.

I would be very disappointed in my daughter if that happened. It's not something mine would do as she would be very supportive of her sister. Does she not like her sister?

I disagree, as a parent it’s your job to teach your children how to make the right decision even if it is difficult.

But it doesn’t matter anyway, they have made the decision for the 12 year old to go, OP needs to focus on the 15 year old and try to reinforce the fact that she is loved irrespective of what some other people may think or do. I’m glad her husband took a stand to support the 15 year old.

What constitutes the ‘right’ decision is entirely a matter of opinion, and the youngest daughter doesn’t have to share the same one as her parents (and she may indeed never share it).