12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

Total straw man argument.

It makes complete sense. It's such a shame this has happened.

My 12 year old wouldn’t have the option to go without me and my family. It’s an adult decision to make.

She is 12 years old. She doesn’t understand you have made a decision as a family. You you have decided to support your other daughter so tough.

She is probably enjoying the drama and the thrill of her sister not being invited. She will know one of you will have to take her - which will mostly be her dad.

She is 12 she will not understand family loyalty or the line she is creating in between your family.

Thos would absolutely be a hard No from me.

By the way I have three girls - eldest nearly 28 - they can be little witches and artful in phycological warfare to each other

YANBU at all@Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone. Appalling behaviour to invite 1 sister and not the other. Your DD has been in the family since she was 2, that is so sad, she has been tge groom's cousin longer than his biological cousin.

Has someone in the family put the idea in DD2's head about going on her own?

It’s not an excellent point, because the 12 year old hasn’t lived with the 15 year old’s dad since she was an infant!

Calmly and neutrally explain why you and your DH have chosen not to go, encourage your older DD to voice her feelings, and then let your 12 year old make her own decision without giving her grief about it. It's not reasonable or fair for you to place your older DD's feelings above the younger's or to put a wedge between younger DD and her extended family over this.

If it wasn't straightforward for her to go without you my answer would be different, but you've made it clear that's not a factor.

I would be livid with your DH's family as well. What awful people. I think you should really explain this feeling to your 12-yr-old. Tell her how awful it is that you, who is also not a blood relation, is invited but her sister is not. Keep up the, "we are a family and your sister had been treated terribly. When you are treated badly, I would insist we all have your back." 12 yr olds need to be modeled empathy and family loyalty. Your DD2 just needs to learn. If you allow her to go, it's showing her that her parents won't be strong enough to protect their DDs when they've been wronged.

I'm also wondering why MIL and BIL haven't been more appalled at what happened. Nephew is either dense or cruel.

12 year old saying the cousin is her cousin and not her sister’s is so horrible (sounds pretty standard teenage horrible but even so).

I wonder if the cousin is unable to have a biological baby and has to adopt, if that baby would count as “family” here? Your husband took your daughter on as his daughter before your youngest was even alive. This is all so shitty.

No. You've declined the invitation.

Your 12 yo doesn't get to decide she's accepting it. She doesn't have 'the right to make up her own mind'. She sounds a brat to be honest.

Attending weddings is an expense. Unless she's buying her own outfit, funding her own travel costs and coughing up for a present along the lines of £50 or so, she's not going.

I’m totally with you about wanting her to not want to go. You want better from her!

I think I agree that you should let her choose. It sounds like you’ve explained your feelings on it to her, and I also think that once she chooses, it’s important the topic be dropped - no drama, and no blow by blow when she gets back, but also no bad feelings towards her from the rest of you if she does choose to go, no further debate. I’d also let her know that if she does choose to go, she can change her mind, no questions asked.

it’s a good little life lesson for the 12 year old - she won’t see that now but I think she will later, and more so if she gets the choice. I think the most important thing for your fifteen year old is that her parents are standing up for her.

good luck

YANBU. I think some posters are overlooking the fact that your older daughter has been part of this 'blended family' since she was a toddler - it's all she knows. It seems incredibly crass and insensitive for the groom to exclude her like this. (Presumably he's actually known her longer than he's known your younger daughter!)

I wouldn't go either OP and 12-year-old would have to suck it up. Your DH's DB is a massive dick for not inviting your DD. Why on Earth would he think it was okay to exclude her from a huge family event? Can you just go away for the weekend so it's a non-issue with your younger DD and she couldn't go anyway because you're going to Centre Parcs or the Lake District or whatever?

it sounds like other cousins are also going so the 12 year old is being alienated from them purely due to the existence of her sister. That will cause resentment if she is simply told no. What if the same happens at all cousins weddings, will she not be allowed to any.

But its not your elder daughter's cousin?

I don't know anyone who invited step cousins to wedding. I'm not invited to my actual full blood cousin's wedding. It's a small do, my mum is going but my siblings and I aren't (there's a few of us including spouses so i totally get it).

I've a few cousins and I think I've only been to one of them's wedding.

Also I think you are right not to allow your 12 year old to go. Part of being a parent is teaching your kid morals, and making moral decisions on their behalf when necessary. Don't let her do a shitty thing to her sister.

That would be fair because the older daughter’s father is not the youngest daughter’s step-father. It’s completely different.

Well then, he could easily have not invited younger cousin in that case, rather than invited her and excluded her sister who had been in his family since she was two!

FWIW I think you are doing the right thing by not going - well done your husband for standing up for your daughter.

She is 12 - she doesn’t understand the wider implications. She doesn’t get to be a lone wolf either when the family have made a decision - she is 12

If it was the other way round I’m sure she would be crying her eyes out wondering why they don’t want her there and wanting her family to support her.

The nephew is an arse hole.

I can see her point. You're stopping her getting to know her family. It's not her fault they don't see her half sister as their family.

Oh for the love of... no one is going to expect a 12 year old to bring a gift of her own or buy a special outfit and OP has said clearly that there are plenty of relatives to take her.

If OP has decided that her and older DD's feelings take priority that's one thing, but we don't need to invent practical justifications for the child not going.

OP, I get that it feels sh1t for you as a family, but you are seeing it from the perspective of your household rather than the bigger picture of the full guest list.
Your daughter might not be being not invited as an individual but rather as part of a category of people. Perhaps the bride has many stepcousins (my DDs refer to my DSSis's 6 year old DD as their chaotic bundle of fun stepcousin so it is a used word) and inviting them would severely restrict the number of close friends who could be invited.

Although your husband has taken on your daughter as his own I suppose you can't expect all others to see her like that.

Ultimately though as a family you have said no to the invitation & that's that I would have thought.

Your youngest was invited as part of the family & not in her own right.

This is well put.