12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

Personally I’d tell DD12 that it’s certainly her choice, but that the real choice is if she supports her sister. If she puts the desire to attend a fancy party over her sister’s feelings, that’s going to have lifelong consequences, fairly or not.

If your DD15 is upset and feels pushed out, it will colour their relationship for the rest of their lives and while 12 is young to learn that lesson, if she insists on making the choice herself, she needs to be aware of exactly what she's choosing.

Agree.

Ask her how she is going to manage her attire, her transportation, her gift to the marrying couple, etc., if she's so grown-up and independent.

It's absurd.

Absolutely your dd should go, and your DH. It's his nephew!

Who is meant to take her? I wouldn’t allow it, what a shitty thing to do, invite the parents and one child but leave out the other. I would be offended and not attend.

Three out of four members of our family have been invited and one fifteen year old child left out.
She does not have a relationship with her biological father and has been in DH's life and therefore his family's life since she was two and a half and we married when she was four.
Didn't the bloody invitation arrive when I was out and it was opened in front of her. She loves weddings and is devastated.
Obviously my fifteen doesn't have a great deal to do with the thirty year old groom but neither does my twelve year old. We have met his financee five times.
I can't believe my twelve year old thinks going without us is appropriate. I don't blame her for being upset at missing out but I totally blame her for not standing by us as a family.

I doubt a non related 16 year old is bothered about a non relatives wedding. I suspect he doesn't have a close relationship to her. Where as your 12 year clearly wants to attend. Your dh and 12 year old should attend.

If 12 year old dd has an adult happy to be responsible for her on the wedding day, I would let her go.

Let her go. Your husband should take her!. That's her family

I think its horrible to not let her go. This is the deal with blended families. You're a unit but also not a unit. You're making her miss out on family to male a point. It's disgusting. Weaponising your 12 year old to try and make a point about your eldest.

I agree. Completely shit move by the groom.

Is there part of the 12 year old which might be a bit pleased she’s invited and not her sister and her desire to go is coming from a place of rubbing her sister’s face in it? Not something we’d do as adults, but a common feeling for a 12 year old. I wouldn’t let her go.

I wouldn't expect a 12 year old to be fussed about standing by her family, I thought my family were totally embarrassing at her age. With blended families you don't get to control how the extended family views things, a partner might take on a stepchild as their own but their family won't necessarily follow.

On a practical side is there another family member willing to take her to the wedding. I wouldn't be bending over backwards to get her to a wedding I'm not going to but it wouldn't do any harm to let her go if it can be done.

I don't blame her for being upset at missing out but I totally blame her for not standing by us as a family.

Seriously? You blame your 12 yo for not standing by you all over a wedding. You and your DH raised her!

I'd be horrified and ashamed of my family if they behaved like your in laws, OP. Your daughter has lived with her stepdad since she was a little girl. It's terrible that they are casting her aside now.

So your eldest has been part of the family for thirteen plus years, if dd is 12 years old. I think that’s pretty awful that elder dd has been excluded.

who would go with 12 year old if she went? Dh? If they do go, make sure any present us from all the family, including elder dd.

Didn't the bloody invitation arrive when I was out and it was opened in front of her. She loves weddings and is devastated.

This is unusual. Children and teens generally have zero interest in their parents mail.

Just because your daughter is important to you and your DH doesn’t meant your husbands nephew sees her the same.

you need to realise that a wedding day is about the bride and groom and they will want to invite people who matter to them. They do not have to pity invite people just to keep other guests happy. The world doesn’t revolve around your child who isn’t related to either of the bride or groom. Weddings are expensive and often seating is limited. They should not feel pressured to invite anyone they don’t want to.

and yes you should let your youngest attended. You shouldn’t be withholding her from her own family occasions just because you aren’t getting your way.

I mean, I have three step cousins. But I haven’t spoken to any of them in absolute years. Not at all close besides an odd fb like!

If Dd12 can go with another family member I’d let her and take your older Dd out somewhere special for the day.

YADNBU

Your 15 yo is a part of DH's family and has been since she was two. His nephew is not acknowledging that and it's unacceptable.

Would it have been any different if she was your DH's adopted daughter?

And agree that this is an important lesson to teach the 12 year old about family loyalty and the importance of including her sister.

The nephew is disgusting.

The girls have always got on, twelve year old is neuro-typical and says that she loves her sister, never calls her a half-sister but keeps saying that she is not related to the cousin but she is.
There would be no practical considerations in her attending without us as it is a huge family.
The idea of one sister blaming the other, DH thinks younger one will blame older one rather than other way round. He thinks the whole thing will be forgotten in years to come between them but he won't forgive his brother for this.

It's tricky I completely agree with your decision not to go. Especially given how long you have been with your dh and the fact that both children the same level of interaction with the nephew.

I appreciate people have cost issues but to invite three members of a family and leave one, a child out is just cruel. It's basically saying you're not good enough to attend our wedding.

I'd probably let your dc go if she has someone to supervise her. But I would be unimpressed with her lack of empathy for her sister. (Although this is typical teen) mainly because she will likely make a bigger issue if she is not allowed to attend

She's 12 and she's more worried about missing out than some expectation of loyalty and I don't really blame her although it's a bit shit not being bothered about upsetting her sister. This isn't her fight.

Let her go as long as there's someone who will take her and keep an eye on her.

That’s just like cousins though. Some are close, some aren’t close. Step-cousin isn’t so far removed that they’re very distant relations as PP was making out.

This isn't a case of a recently blended family, DH and his family haven't only been in the picture a couple of years. Eldest has been part of/around the family for longer than youngest has even existed. It is horrid they have only invited one FFS.

I wouldn't go, none of us.

keeps saying that she is not related to the cousin but she is.

Who, DD1? She isn’t related to the cousin though, is she?