12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

She's 12 of course she wants to go.

She's not thinking of anyone else and that's pretty normal at that age.

It's awful they didn't invite your older child but I'd let the younger one go.

When she's older she'll look back and possibly regret going.

I think you need to tread carefully here, leaving the 15 year old put us a shit move but not much you can do about that.

what you can and have to manage carefully is the relationship between the girls abd between you and your daughter. She is 12 so of course she is thinking of herself and making what is a selfish move rather than sacrificing her wants for her family. Because she is 12.

and I think the 15 year old is going to want to do stuff without her sister as she should this is a dangerous precedent.

let her go but make it clear that the 15 year old is going to get something as well (spa/concert etc) for herself

Sorry to your 12 year old but I wouldn't let her go on principle. It is so rude to leave an established family member on dna grounds!

I have sympathy leaving adult step children who weren't part of the family growing up for instance, that's different, or only inviting children in the wedding party, but neither applies here, they just were not thinking

Just don't let the 12 year old go if you're not going. She's a child. What you say goes, end of.

I agree with you OP. Horrible thing to happen to your 15 year old and you are teaching your 12 year old a lesson in loyalty. It’s a shame she’s taking it so badly.

12 year old needs to do as you say - you’re the parent. She just wants to go to a nice party/wont actually enjoy the wedding part and will probably find reception boring too.

furthermore; she needs to learn about loyalty and family. This isn’t really a “blended family” ; your husband raised your first daughter since she was 2. That’s 13 years of her being part of the family and it’s disgusting for his brother to have excluded her this way. wtf is wrong with people.

Sorry you're not part of the family but here's a spa trip as I feel sorry for you!

Does the 15 yr old actually give a crap, or have you decided to be offended on her (really your) behalf?

The eldest DD is related by marriage, just like the new Bride and Groom will be.

I wouldn't attend either and the youngest DD would get a stern telling too.

I’m sure there was a very similar thread a couple of months ago.
Really rude of them to not invite your 15 yo dd. It would’ve been easier to take if neither of the girls were invited (but I’d be annoyed that cousins weren’t invited)
What’s your dh’s relationship with his brother like? How does the family treat your older dd? Eg do they get her birthday and Christmas pressies? Include her in all family activities?

You've posted about the original invite before haven't you?

For someone that's been in the family since she was 2yrs old, she is family, more so if DH has brought her up as his own!! I find the behaviour of the family quite disgusting tbh.

That would be like my in laws not giving gifts to my dd17 but giving to dd12.... I wouldn't stand for it.

Yup. I have a step cousin. I never hear from her and I don’t know where she lives. But the same goes for her siblings, who are my cousins.

There’s also no way I would have invited the siblings to a family occasion and not the eldest. Even my grandparents wouldn’t have done that and they could be a bit shitty in terms of ‘she’s not our real granddaughter’

Find the thread where the younger singling hates her mum because she couldn’t do with a with her fathers family because her older sister wasn’t invited… decide if that’s the route you want.

This is her family, she wants to go. The only reason you are saying no is because older technically not related sibling isn’t invited.

That's awful of the nephew.

Stand your ground. Your 12 yr doesn't understand the implications of all this and to her it's just a party.

Organise to do something else that day to keep her distracted.

I agree with PP that you need to put your own outrage aside and try to do what you think will be best for the sibling relationship.

@Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone

why Winter forgive his brother? It's highly unlikely his brother had anything to do with the guest list!!

I think you should let DD go, it's a big family event & I don't see why DD2 should miss out because of something her cousin didn't do. Surely your DD(16) is old enough to accept the 12 yo doesn't want to miss out & she didn't write the invitations!!

DD(16) will be invited to things DD(12) isn't will you make her stay home unless DD(12) gets invited?? (I appreciate DD(16) might be hurt, but it's not DD(12)'s fault.

Find the thread where the younger singling hates her mum because she couldn’t do with a with her fathers family because her older sister wasn’t invited… decide if that’s the route you want.

That's what I came in to say. On that 40 page thread there were plenty of siblings who resented their parents for forcing them to miss out on things because of the parent's perceptions of 'fairness'. You can tell your daughter she can't go, but expect repercussions. It is not her fault that her sister isn't invited.

No one in their right mind would exclude a child in these circumstances. It’s actually quite pathetic.

Maybe let the 12 year old go with your MiL and they can explain to everyone else why you are missing

I really can't imagine being inside the head of someone who would invite three quarters of a family unit to their wedding, leaving out a 15yo just because she's not a blood relative. Especially as the two girls are sisters. I would be inclined to let the 12yo go if she's so set on it. The fact you and your husband aren't going will show your 15yo that you are sticking up for her. In years to come, the younger child may very well come to regret that she didn't support her sister, but at 12yo dressing up for a wedding and seeing other family members is probably exciting and overrides any concern about her sister.

It’s despicable that they’ve excluded one child , personally I’d arrange something else for the day and nobody goes . A 12 yo doesn’t get to dictate what happens .

Personally I’d tell DD12 that it’s certainly her choice, but that the real choice is if she supports her sister. If she puts the desire to attend a fancy party over her sister’s feelings, that’s going to have lifelong consequences, fairly or not.

You would really do that, to a 12 year old? Far better to just say no one is going.

The OP: She loves weddings and is devastated.

I can’t imagine the thinking, or lack of, that means the exclusion of a child (age regardless actually).

This attitude blows my mind. Family is a lot more than genetics and blood. He is, for all intents and purposes, her dad. Imagine being such a nasty person about a 15 year old.
OP you’ve done the right thing. Your 15 year old will never forget how you and your dad supported her in this. Well done- great parenting.