12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

What's it got to do with dh's brother? It's the nephew who's 'forgotten' there's four in the family. Poor sil is probably too embarrassed to come back and say it's a no.

Odds are her 12 year old will also never forget the times she couldn’t do something with her father’s family because of her old sister and resents her and her mother because of it. As per the other thread where the mums now hated 🙃

So glad our blended family isn't like this.Several children not related other than father or mother been around family since small and as much part of it as the rest of us. Could never imagine picking one over the other that isn't love

Blow away; not all families are the same. I have SDC, they don’t come to anything on my side and it’s all absolutely fine. They spend the time with their own family and everyone is happy.

Their other parent is involved though, so there’s no expectation on my family to make up for the lack of this.

Yeh I can’t believe people saying a little girl raised inside a family
from 2 “isn’t family”. Really?! wtf is family then?! Just blood? So none of the married couples are family? I don’t understand people at all

No it’s not about that - whatever happens the 15 year old knows where she stands with that part of the fsmily. Nothing the OP can do now to salvage that.

what she has to deal with is the fallout within her own family this has caused and how best to navigate the way out - unless it is going to be all four of us do something or no one goes approach which actually suits neither (and is likely to cause resentment on the 15 year old even more) letting the 12 year old make the choice to go is probably the right one.

then finding a way to spend time with the 15 year old highlighting that it is ok to do things independently- a spa day for example is suitable at 15 and not 12

He is supporting a member of his immediate family who has been excluded from the wedding.
Not many people would genuinely exclude just one member of a family unit, especially when that person is a child.

In my view unless its adults only and no children go ,then you are a family , All go or no one goes.

This again?

I think it's shit behaviour on the part of the groom, and completely understand why you and DH decided to decline the invitation. I wouldn't want to go either.

However, I would let your 12yo go if she really wants to. It will just breed resentment otherwise. Presumably she can catch a lift with her grandparents?

And in the meantime, you and DH can do something nice with DD1 instead.

I'd do this.
If your youngest really wants to go then they go with another relative.
It's highly likely that the relative taking her will be asked why the rest of the family is missing, they can explain.

I wouldn't insist on the youngest missing out but would ensure they knew why it isn't a nice thing for her cousin to have done to her sister. It's never kind to exclude just one person from a group, let alone a family unit. But that she can make her own decision and go with her grandparent, etc instead if that's what she decides.

Why let a 12 year old dictate? So disloyal to step sister. So she loves weddings- enough to be prepared to really hurt step sister? Not good behaviour in my book

I think your younger child should go. The point is that your older daughter is being supported by her parents and not differentiated by you. Your younger daughter shouldn't miss out because of something that's nothing to do with her. Also, please don't be harsh on your younger daughter- this situation isn't of her making and 12 year olds are generally selfish. I think it will pass over more quickly for your family if she goes.

Totally agree.

No, if this was me the 12 year old would not have permission to go and I'd explain why to her.

At 12 she'll be thinking about getting dressed up, and is possibly enjoying a bit of dramatics around the whole thing. Well she can get dressed up to go for a meal with you all instead cant she.

As a pp said well done for sticking up for your DD1, DD2 will get over it.

would it have been any different if she was your DH's adopted daughter?

Well in that case your dd1 would be uour dh's daughter as dd2.But he hasn't adopted her has he?.... and maybe OP that is something you should think about him doing incase you die ?

What a mess. I don't think you can be surprised a 12 year old is selfish and can't think in the round about all the implications so wouldn't be too hard on her for wanting to but I'd still not go as a whole family and make another plan for that that weekend. 12 year old might need some help coming to terms with it but the alternatives aren't great either. Not sure how you can avoid a rift or not cause hurt for one of the children. But I wouldn't be too vitriolic about whose done what and why, just stick to the facts and the reason for your decision without too much drama. Be empathetic to 12 year olds situation.

I think it's pretty shit that older daughter wasn't invited to what is, essentially, her cousin's wedding as your dh has been a father to her since she was 2. His sister recognises this and, hopefully, treats both your dd's as her nieces. However I expect she doesn't control the guest list. To be somewhat fair to the groom, I guess he was a teenage boy when your dd became part of the family rather than growing up as similar aged cousins.

If dh's parents will take your 12 yo and be responsible for her there, I would allow her to go if she really wanted to having made clear to her exactly why you and dh weren't going and planning something fun, like a theme park trip, with your 15 yo. If your 12 yo doesn't reverse and want to join the theme park trip, take one of your 15 yo's friends then both girls will have a fun weekend.

No one would be going from my household either. It’s a cruel and unnecessary snub from the bride and groom, I would not be left my 12yr old make it worse.

By saying DD15 isnt related to nephew then your 12 year old is basically saying my half sister isn't a real sister to me. Just because she wants to go to a wedding. Has she been to one before? I would nip this nonsense in the bud and tell her to have some respect for her sister and your own family unit.

This!

agree take them out somewhere nice where they can get dressed up etc

Although I fully get your logic I think on this occasion the 12 year old needs to be allowed to make her own decision. You may not agree with it but you won’t always agree with her decisions that’s part of her growing up.

Yes this! And there was also another thread very like this one recently, this new thread is worded differently but the principle is the same, I suspect it's the same OP who was told she was very unreasonable first time around and has tweaked it.

Does your 12 year old think she can go on her own? I wouldn't have cared about standing up for my sister at that age much. Even though we've always got on well.

Same. I think it’s very mean to exclude children because they are ‘non-blood’.