12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

I also agree with you. I am unsure how the 12 year old doesn't understand this / has it not been explained. Whatever happened to showing empathy especially towards your loved ones.

The right decision is to choose her sister. There's nowhere on this planet where any of my children can choose to celebrate anything with people who shun their siblings.

OP and her husband should have reinforced this. Being a half sibling / step child can be so isolating. Imagine your closest family members treating you in that manner.

Again I disagree she is 12 so the parents make the decision. She is a child and this is when you guide and teach them to make the right decisions not take the easy way out and let her do what she wants.

Are you telling me she is mature enough to make all necessary decisions for her life going forward?

The parents have. She’s going.

They could of course have prevented her from going, but that wouldn’t have made her agree with them. It could have in fact made her resolute in her disagreement. While a parent may intend a certain lesson, they can’t dictate what the child actually takes from it in either the short or long term.

Yep which I acknowledged in my other post so no need to keep going back and forth. Because they decided doesn’t mean it’s right and one parent decided and the other was forced to go along with it despite her objections.

And that’s why I said OP should now focus on supporting her 15 year old and I am very glad her husband also supports her.

For me this would be a no thank you from all the family. I wouldn’t have one child feeling inferior to another. The 12 yr old wouldn’t have a say in it, it’s the parents choice and this would be explained to the 12 yr old.

Why is no one begging for the dad /uncle of groom /son of this gran to attend? Why this 12 year old?

I can imagine a bride asking groom for his family and groom answering direct quesuons -ie what's uncles wife's name and does uncle have kids -yes 1.

But to then both be challenged about the 15 year old not invite and be anything other than horrified they inadvertently missed her out is shocking.

I agree. Why is it so important this child attends, above anyone else? Very bizarre.

@Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone I don’t think your husband’s family understand how much this has changed the family.

Your poor 15 year old doesn’t want to see your MIL again and feels embarrassed but it’s not just that. In the future when she is / you are all invited to a wedding or whatever is your 15yo going to want to go? It’s been made clear she’s not part of the family so is she going to feel that she can / wants to go to the next family thing? This is always going to be there hanging over whatever the occasion. This has changed everything and I feel so sorry for her.

A 12 year old girl has been made, by her GM and other members of the family, to feel extra special. Her GM has bent over backwards to make sure she can go to the wedding and the poor little darling has to have a holiday as well as she was upset

None of these people give a flying fuck about the feelings of a 15 year old, who wasn't invited, when questions were asked SIL said she would ask. Nothing was done to rectify the situation, no apology given and only now when the 12 year old is allowed to go has an evening invitation been extended,

OPs in-laws, MIL, SIL and the rest of them have behaved appalling to a 15 year old girl, they have basically said your sister is worth so much more than you and under no circumstances can you sister be upset

The 15 year old wants nothing to do with her up till now GM, OPs MIL. I don't bloody blame her and I am a mean and vindictive person and if I was the 15 year old I would be visiting my other GM every time the OPs MIL visits. I would refuse to write my name on birthday cards, Christmas cards, they would be dead to me, but then as I said I am a vindictive petty bitch

I don't think a lot of people on here really realise what this will do to the 15 year old you all seem to care that a 12 year old wasn't disappointed not that a 15 year old has had two fingers stuck up at her

Can I ask if all the people who think this is ok would say the same if DD were adopted?

I can’t believe the number of people who would put money over human decency: “Weddings are expensive”. Manners and compassion are free.

I think your husband has made the wrong decision. Not only has he completely undermined you and your feelings by pushing for her to go, he has allowed his family to completely reinforce the idea that your oldest daughter is not a member of the family. The MIL begging for the 12 year old to go is such bad behaviour. It sounds as though as quite a close family there would have been plenty of other opportunities for the 12 to to "bond"with cousins. The 15 year old who has also been brought up with these children has not been given the same consideration, by posters and by her own "dad". I'm so sorry that this happened for you because I think that had something like this had happened in my blended and extended family it would have changed the dynamic forever.

I feel really sorry for this kid as well. I am amazed that so many other posters couldn’t care less and think it’s more of a travesty for the 12 year old to miss out on a party. I feel sorry for the 12 year old as she won’t understand the fracture caused to the relationship with her sister going forward.

I think this thread has made me appreciate how difficult life is for step families now and the level of prejudice despite the fact they are so common.

OP like so many others I really feel your 15 year old DD and I hope you plan something amazing for you, her and your DH to spend time together and show her how loved she is.

To everyone else on this thread that thinks it’s acceptable to invite 3 out of 4 family members to a wedding and leave a CHILD out simply because she isn’t the blood relatives biological child, you are cruel and a disgrace.

This thread has brought about feelings in me that I have never felt reading other posts. I can't help but think of the exclusion that poor 15 year old must feel. Her whole life has reached a momentous turning point that I genuinely think will have an impact on her forever. It sounds far- fetched but I was not the favourite child on my dad's side of the family and my sister was fully doted on. This impacted me significantly at the time because I felt like I wasn't good enough for the longest time. I was constantly in a battle with myself to behave more like my sister, so I could be at least liked. My sister noticed her preferential treatment too, so it wasn't all in my head. This child will likely feel an exclusion beyond what I felt. Not to mention the major fracture in your beautiful family. The husband is partially in agreement with his extended family by choosing to let the 12 year old go. I'm heartbroken by his solidarity with his extended family rather than his own family of 4. Just goes to show, you never really know how people feel about you until moments like these reveal themselves. 15 year old was never considered an equal let alone part of the family

I have 2 DDs...one not much older than your youngest. If I were you, I'd be very, very disappointed in your DD's selfish behavior, but I think your DH was wrong in saying she could go, but I don't see him as full-on jerk, just a wimp who was coerced by a 12 year old. When 12-yr old is older, hopefully she'll learn that she was an ally to the cruelty shown toward her sister. I feel awful for your 15 year old.

Your MIL, on the other hand. Oh, she can fuck right off with that kind of nonsense. Why wasn't she telling nephew she wouldn't go to the wedding if her DGDs weren't both invited? She's playing into this vile behavior of her family. Obviously, other DH's family members know it's BS, but your MIL can no longer be trusted. I'd be livid w/ her.

Sadly, letting your 12yr DD spend a lot of time w/ this side of the family won't improve her empathy skills...she's still a child and needs some guidance...she won't learn it from your MIL, that's for sure.

There was a very easy way to get the 12 year old to the wedding invite her sister. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Here is my advice.
The weekend and time your 12-year-old goes to spend time with relatives is a perfect opportunity to take your 15-year-old on a teen holiday. Perhaps to London or another city. See a few sights, do a grown-up type of dinner, perhaps a play? Stay in a hotel, have a tea, whatever you and your 15-year-old DD want to do.

That will reinforce to the 15 yo. that she has value and deserves to feel special also. Of course, you can invite your DH to join you too or make it a mother-daughter week/few days.

My PGPs (paternal grandparents) favored my brother to the point of ridiculousness. He was their golden child, and I was the nobody. I can still feel that little girl/tween/teen hurt to this day.
I truly wish my parents had done something with me when the PGPs would take my brother for a few days and do lots of fun and exciting things. But I got bupkis. That showed me where I stood within the whole family.

The lack of empathy is pretty shocking. I think a lot of it is coming from the second wives club - who do moral and mental gymnastics to minimise the damage thoughtless and exclusionary decisions have on step children.

Thank you for coming back and updating, OP. I'm very sad to read that rather than campaign for the bride and groom to extend the invitation to the elder child the MIL nagged your husband to let the younger one go. That's very poor behaviour.

It's lovely, though, that your husband is refusing to go because his other daughter is not acknowledged. It does sound done out of ignorance rather than cruelty - "not knowing your set up" - but anyone with more than two brain cells would have invited both children if in any doubt.

Your younger daughter is I suspect feeling happy she won the argument but it will be a Pyrrhic victory. I don't think she's going to have as good a time as she claims she will - and I think she knows that, too. She's still young and has a lot of maturing to do. I'm certain that one day, hopefully soon, she will look back and be horrified at what was done to her sister.

Wishing you all well. X

Interesting! Weddings do seem to make the most sane people go loopy, IRL as well as online, but it was the "step children aren't family" attitude which isn't the norm IMO. It's really sad. I don't come on Mumsnet very much, but the vitriol some posters display doesn't make that a bad thing unfortunately.

Interesting! Weddings do seem to make the most sane people go loopy, IRL as well as online, but it was the "step children aren't family" attitude which isn't the norm IMO. It's really sad. I don't come on Mumsnet very much, but the vitriol some posters display doesn't make that a bad thing unfortunately.

It rather appears to matter to you or you wouldn't keep labouring the point.

It's very sad that you apparently don't know any step children who are considered family by their, er, families. It isn't difficult to imagine the impact of that on the children in question.