12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time of the wedding) from a long ago relationship. We simply declined without saying why.

Sister-in-Law asked if we were on holiday etc. so I told her the truth. She seemed very embarrassed as did mother-in-law. We were told that she would ask, well that was a month ago and we haven’t heard anything. Husband all along said he wouldn’t go anyway even if they changed their mind.

Now here is the AIBU! 12 year old wants to go. She has completely lost it saying that she has a right to make her own mind up and that elder sister isn’t related to cousin.

I have lost it back at her saying she needs to support her sister.

However, husband thinks we should let her go and we shouldn’t put her in the middle of this.

So, what would you lot do?

And when 15 year old is invited to a party - and 12 year old desperately wants to go but is too young are you going to stop the 15 year old from going because her younger sister can't go too?

I can't imagine your 12 year old taking it well when she's told she can't go to a party/ holiday/ trip/ because she wasn't invited but her sister was, or your 15 year old being happy about not going because her sister is too young to go too.

You may not think the things equate but I bet the girls will. The 15 year old is about to spread her wings - and DD2 will feel that. Time to learn that different kids get to do different things.

It's so unreasonable on the 12 year old. She will resent her sister

I'm with you op, none of us would be going if my eldest was left out like this.

But this is not a random party. One family member out of 4 is being excluded from a family celebration. It is so nasty.

OP, I'd let her go with another family member but I'd make sure she understood the reason why you, her dad and sister are not going. Also plan something nice for the day for the 3 of you.

What a horrible thing your husband's nephew has done to your eldest daughter. You don't leave one child out when the rest of the family has been invited and has been living as a family unit for years.

My cousin accepted my step-children completely and totally. She doesn't treat them any differently to my brother's child who is a blood relative.
I really feel for your child who has been excluded. And well done you and your husband for declining the invitation.
I'm not sure what to say about your younger child. Part of me says to let her go with another family member that she knows, part of me says to hold fast and insist that none of you are going. Toss a coin and heads means she gets to go? At least then you'd know what your absolute preferred answer would be!

Forgive me if this question has been asked already. Does your older daughter think her sister shouldn't go? And is she hurt by this perceived disloyalty that her sister wants to go? Also, is your older daughter hurting more from the implication that she isn't one of the family or is it mainly disappointment at missing a wedding?

If she isn't particularly hurt that her sister isn't boycotting the event in solidarity, I see little advantage in asking your younger daughter to do something that she isn't emotionally mature enough to do of her own accord. Her resentment will be unpleasant and the opposite of what you're trying to achieve within the family.

I would sit down individually with each child and explain why this behaviour is rude and hurtful. You can model the response you wish your younger daughter had by making it clear that you will not be part of something so hurtful and will do everything you can to mitigate the hurt caused by refusing the invitation and planning a different treat. You could also ask your younger daughter to imagine how she might feel if the tables were turned, and if she would be happy for everyone else to go and leave her out. I don't think you can do more than that, except to tell her that if she is going there is to be no talking about it.

No one would attend if a family member was left out like this. Nope.

The whole "she's 12" thing is nonsense. My daughter is 12. So are all her friends. I can't imagine either her or any of her friends being OK with their sibling being left out of an event if 3 out of 4 members of the family were invited. That's just horrible. Is it possible it's your DD's ND that is coming into play here?

Would the DD12 really still have been invited if there was no adult to supervision. I seriously doubt it.

My children are all ND, and they wouldn’t want to go if a sibling had been left out!

@crochetcatsknitting @WaitingForMojo OP says her daughter is neuro typical, NOT neurodiverse. Nothing else at play here other than 12 year old being a selfish little madam.

Your daughter has been in your husband’s life since she was 2 and views him as her father. I would not be attending this wedding and neither would her sister.

I think you should let her, I get why you are hurt and don’t want to but making the younger one miss out due to her sister will cause resentment.

what if the older ones dad suddenly comes back on the scene and wants to take her out/ take her on holiday or even to a family wedding

I think this is a but harsh, it is not the fault of the 12 year old. Why is it ok for the 15 year old to be devestated as she loves wedding but for the 12 year old not to be.

The 15 yo is devastated because she is the only that has not been invited (to a family wedding). It's not hard to understand.

My daughters are half-sisters, not step-sisters, I am the mother of both of them.

I have not posted about this invitation before, I have never posted on mumsnet before. I genuinely wanted to know if I was unreasonable but there are mixed responses. I still don't know what to do.

My younger daughter is a good girl and both my girls while different personalities don't have any spats or anything, they get on.

My 12 year old doesn't understand why I am so upset, she just accepts that the groom isn't related to her sister, she was sarcastic and asked me whether he should also invite all of her other relations on my side.

In all of our discussions about this I have asked all the questions that people have. Yes she would be agree with us if the groom had left out a family member who was also related to them.

She totally gets that people are envious of other people but she doesn't see why she should miss out on something on her side of her family because her sister is upset. She keeps stressing that her cousin is not her sister's cousin.

I have never heard her even speak about this cousin but she insists she likes him and wants to hang out with her other cousins.

I have actually not spoken with my eldest daughter as she is genuinely upset about being excluded, I don't know if she expects her sister not to go. I would suspect she would encourage her to go even if she doesn't mean it.

I know DH blaming BiL isn't right but he does, he thinks he should have put his foot down with a 30 year old man and this man's new inlaws! I know!
Still don't know how I am going to deal with this.

My mother-in-law hasn't come up this week and I think is avoiding me but has said to DH that she is upset but isn't saying anything to groom

There are literally tens of family members to 'supervise' my 12 year old, that isn't the issue.

I don't want her to go and more importantly I want her to not want to go. Does that make sense?

Excellent point about the 12 yo not being invited to the 15 yo dads side of the family things!

But why can’t she go and visit her family
if an adult is ok to supervise her.

Why must she suffer and miss out when she could realistically go and spend time with her family to what. Make you feel better that your point is being forced upon her.

She wants to go. You just don’t want her to want to go but she is also her own person with her own mind. She’s told you clearly her cousin is not her sisters cousin.

It makes perfect sense. But I think the only way she will ever decide she doesn’t want to go is if she is given the option to go.

the more you say “no your not going” the more appealing the wedding will become to her. You have made your viewpoint clear, and I would be clear that you’re not going to be paying for outfits or anything but ultimately let her decide. Hopefully when the decision is in her hands she will see sense!

Can’t you read? The 15 year old doesn’t have a relationship with her biological father or his family. The ops husband IS her dad. What an insensitive and silly comment.

It does, but you cannot control what she wants.

I think in your shoes I'd let her go but I'd feel a little disappointed in her. It is also something that she may regret years later.

But if she did have a participating father would the mother demand her 12 year old also go or would that then be fair.

It’s not though. Most young teens can be self centred and obnoxious. It’s not harsh to say so, it’s our job as parents to correct their behaviour and teach them to be kind and sensitive to others.