Full of resentment and anger

[1sttimehelp]

It is looking like I will be asked to foster 2 kids from my family. I have a good relationship with them but I am struggling with the fact I now have to put my life on hold for the next 10 years plus (I made a choice to not have children) I have no resentment towards the kids obviously , but I am furious at the parents for allowing this to happen, there is no addiction involved just crappy parenting. I can't shake the anger and resentment that they choose to have these kids together, no issues when they were a family, but once separated, it all fell to pieces and neither one can see their own faults, too busy pointing fingers. AIBU to feel so pissed off and how to I make peace with this before I give myself an ulcer. I don't want to go into the whys and is there no one else as it will be too revealing, I just want help dealing with how I am processing it (not very well)

Could I ask please @1sttimehelp why is it upon you to have to foster them? What has happened that means it has to be you who picks this up?

Social services are removing them, they either come to me or go into the system

Is there not any other close family member that can foster them

You really don’t have to foster them.
But you can keep in touch, see them, treat them and keep an eye on them without them moving in with you. I’ve fostered and worked in a children’s home and they will be ok - they’re fortunate to have you in their corner.

Yes, I think 'the system' doesn't have to spell doom if there is someone who remains a constant contact perhaps? Do you think you might be more able to offer them a home when they're a bit older (ie secondary age) and won't need childcare and constant supervision?

Willing foster carers would probably be better than a relative who, even if you can hide it, will be feeling resentment about having to take this on, and I totally understand feeling that, especially as it sounds like the parents have been incompetent rather than victims of circumstance/addiction/mental illness etc.

You do not have to do this. Don't do it. Say no. Tell social services, in private, that you do not want to do it. They will then say you are unsuitable. Let me repeat, don't do it.

My friends have said the same, I just feel that if "I can" technically take them then I should, I have the room and with help with childcare etc (I work full-time) I could make it work, I suppose I am gieving the life I thought I would be living. I feel like by saying no I am the one putting them into care but my friends are pointing out it is the neglectful parents who done that

My advice would be to focus on the children and not their parents. You are doing a good thing and, hopefully it will be rewarding for you and them.

Also accept that your resentment/anger is valid towards the mother and father and rightfully so. Then focus on making the best of a difficult situation. Good luck!

Honestly if you're already resentful and their little lives are already going to be quite messed up because they're going to be removed from their parents please don't fuck them up even more by fostering them out of some misplaced sense of duty. Allow them to be placed in a foster home who won't spend the next 10 years regretting taking them in.

This is it, incompetent and unwilling to make sacrifices to their new found single life, putting partners ahead of children etc. I think that's why I am so angry, I am being asked to make a sacrifice that the parents aren't willing to do

I don't think you should do this if you are angry and resentful as it will show through to the children who will have been through enough already.

Why not allow them to be fostered and be an Auntie?

No, you don't have to do this. You can be a kind and loving aunt to them and take a deep interest in their welfare without having them live with you.

This is not the life you've chosen for yourself. Keep control over your life. This isn't your problem to solve and besides, those children may well need someone to care for them who understands how to deal with children who've had really bad backgrounds. You can stay in touch with them and take them out for the odd day etc but you don't have to give up your life for them.

You will have to be firm with social services. It's for them to figure something out, not you.

Stress doesn't cause ulcers - it's a myth

If the issues arent that serious they could maybe go back to a parent after a year or 2.

Do not do this, being a great auntie is much better

They need to go to someone who really is prepared to do this. I was a foster carer and it's much better when it's a choice.

And also foster carers get more money (enough to meet all the child's needs) than kinship carers - and this is likely why they're so invested in you doing it

It would be better for the children to be fostered by people who are experienced carers than to live with someone who resents the upheaval. This is not a criticism of you at all. You chose not to have children and have plans for your life that don't include them so don't do it. You'll become bitter and it will show.

Far better to be a loving Auntie who can be part of their lives by having them for the day or some weekends, going to their school plays etc, taking them swimming...

I would think tremendously carefully before taking them on. You don’t have to make the sacrifices the parents won’t. You can but you don’t have to. SS will push very hard for you to do it as it is much, much cheaper for them. Do not rely on them supporting you helpfully going forward, they typically won’t. It is a perfectly fair outcome to be a loving and supportive aunt but not have them move in.

BTW shortly posters will be along to say how they could “never” allow any family child to go into care. They’re not the ones who have to give up what they’ve built to accommodate crappy parenting of relatives.

I’m angry for you op. I’m angry about all the arsehole parents who selfishly choose to bring kids into the world and then fuck it up. It affects everyone. But this one is particularly close to you and I totally get your sadness and frustration. Why not postpone the decision? Let them be fostered temporarily but agree to get to know them better with weekend sleepovers etc until you know you were ready for it or could cope full time. (Or not). Is that possible?

If you have a close/ loving relationship with the children, and its only ten years—that is they aren’t toddlers—I think you aren’t wrong to consider it. If you have no teal relationship with the children already then I really think you shouldn’t do it. I actually think they will be better off building new relationships with outsiders rather than taking their sadness and abandonment out with you. Better to drop in and grow that relationship if you want as an aunt than struggle as a quasi parent.

It’s definitely the parents putting them in care! You are amazing to even consider it. But once they are in your house it’s too late to change your mind, and send them somewhere else. There are some fabulous ( and trained ) foster parents out there who would probably really welcome your involvement with the children. Only you know what the children are like, how their behaviour is and if you could cope. But your life will irrevocably alter, probably not for the best. You would be a saint if you didn’t feel resentful, which isn’t fair on any of you.

If you say no now - you can change your mind later.

I am both a parent of grown up children as well as a grandparent. My life is such that I feel I’ve ’done My bit’ and like my life as it is and I would struggle to go back to parenting again. My point is, I completely understand the way you are feeling. Parenting is hard enough when they are your own and you carried them and wanted them. Having to take on children that you didn’t sign up for can be hard but it can also be very rewarding. Only you can make this decision but you need to make the right decision for you as it’s you who will be parenting. If your heart isn’t in it the right thing to do is to allow the children to go to foster but you be there for visits and point of contact. This situation is not of your making.

Is there no happy medium here? Could they be looked after by someone else in the week and come to you at the weekends? Even something like boarding school (don’t know their ages). Honestly working full time and taking this on when the kids are likely to have a few issues is a lot. If you can keep some of your old life then I think it will be easier to manage. I think in your position I would try to focus on what’s manageable at the moment and not on the parents- I doubt very much in the long term these choices will pay off for them, whilst you have the chance to build a loving relationship with some brilliant kids- as long as you manage it properly.

My worry would be the parents individually interfering. Won't do it themselves, but will question every little thing you do.

Can you try and see how it goes? You may find (like many actual parents) that it's a really great experience. If you find it really hard can you change your mind?

Thank you all for your input, it is so helpful to hear from people that are not biased. A lot to consider and some really good points raised, I am definitely going to ask for some time to think this all through before I make a decision, Social worker has been very pushy and my nature as a people pleaser is not helping. I might need to get someone to support me while having conversations with the SW.