Full of resentment and anger

[1sttimehelp]

It is looking like I will be asked to foster 2 kids from my family. I have a good relationship with them but I am struggling with the fact I now have to put my life on hold for the next 10 years plus (I made a choice to not have children) I have no resentment towards the kids obviously , but I am furious at the parents for allowing this to happen, there is no addiction involved just crappy parenting. I can't shake the anger and resentment that they choose to have these kids together, no issues when they were a family, but once separated, it all fell to pieces and neither one can see their own faults, too busy pointing fingers. AIBU to feel so pissed off and how to I make peace with this before I give myself an ulcer. I don't want to go into the whys and is there no one else as it will be too revealing, I just want help dealing with how I am processing it (not very well)

This may sound harsh and cold but having had experience these are my facts.

You don't 'have' to do this.

SS can't make you do it, although they will try every trick in the book to guilt you into it as it's cheaper and less hassle to get a family member to take the children rather than foster care.

The harsh reality is that once you've agreed SS will offer little to no help. Children who have been either abused or neglected (it's very rare to find parents who just 'give up' their children) have complex needs and are often very difficult to parent, which is why foster carers are paid well and have access to training and help.

Don't do it just because you think you should do.

I'm going to reframe this for you.

You are doing those children a disservice by taking them in.

Currently the two parents can fuck about and use you as their safety net, believing that the children won't go into care because you're there.

Remove the safety net.

Be strong and tell the parents; "you've shown me that being a single parent is too tough, even when they're your own kids, so I don't believe I can do it and the children will be better off in care."

You may be surprised to find that the parents actually step up to stop that from happening, alternatively the children will go into care and the parents will either step up at a later point or people who actively want to foster (unlike yourself) will take them on.

If the children do go into care, the parents don't step up and the children have a terrible time, you can potentially take them in then, but it's going to be a hell of a lot easier to do that, than to take them on and realise you can't cope and have to get them into the care system.

How do they want to place the children with you? As a foster carer or under a special guardianship order?

I'm not well up on it but I don't think you get money from SS under an SGO. I would only consider doing this if they were going to pay me as a foster carer (unless it was my nieces/nephews in which case I wouldn't want SS involved)

Social services are CFs of the highest order when it comes to these situations. Anything to save them money. Then, if you agreed, you'd be waiting an age before they organised any payments you were due. That's if you were even entitled to anything.

Yes as others have said, once you say you will take them you will have lost all bargaining power with social services- sounds crass but it’s true. Taking someone with you to meetings is a good idea- ideally someone with a bit of clout who might make ss think twice about trying to push you about. And practice out loud some stock phrases like “thanks I will need to take some time to consider this before I take this any further/ give an answer/ give agreement to that proposal”, “what would be the alternatives”, “how would that work when [I work full time]”, etc.

I'm a retired social worker, and I would say, if you feel like this, don't do it.
It is no wonder you feel a bit resentful at potentially having your life plans upskittled and this is no basis for kinship fostering!

Social workers are required by law to look at extended family members for children before they go into care.
That is why they seem pushy, apart from (it has to be acknowledged) children generally do better in their own families, even extended family.
But those with family members who maintain long term relationships with them whilst in care, are in a good position, too.
Money is generally available for kinship care, btw, so I don't think it is seen as the cheaper option.

Just to put your mind at ease about the system, I know someone who took on their grandkids because their daughter went off track so to speak. They were coping well but then got cancer and was unable to look after the kids so social services got involved and placed them in foster care. They maintained contact with all children and their foster families whilst recovering, and have made great friends with the foster families. They are thankfully now recovered health wise but have accepted that their grandchildren are in a much better position now with more stability.

We all hear the horror stories about Ss but sometimes it can work, especially if you are still in the kids lives.

How old are they? I assume the level of dysfunction is significant if SS are involved so the dc are likely to have behavioural and mental health difficulties- they may struggle with regulation.

If so, better to be a super supportive auntie
BUT
SS aren’t great at super supportive aunties in my experience. The dc will be trying to settle in a new home and will be having contact with their parents, separately by the sound of it. There isn’t much time for aunties as well.

Make sure you have the nuts and bolts ironed out.

Who is there that can and will support you if you take the children? Can your parents have them for a long weekend regularly, or another relative?

It’s long and hard. But if the dc are a bit older and reasonably ok, it’s not so bad- you don’t have to be physically with them all the time, as you do with toddlers, and you’ll be able to leave them on their own if it’s age appropriate.

Thing is, if you foster them, you will never hear the end of it from your sibling and their partner. You will be the enemy.

They will be sticking their oars in non stop surely? Criticising you whilst in total denial about what a pair of useless twats they are.

I'd say don't do it, unless after some thought, and maybe counselling, you feel you do want to. Parenting is tough anyway, without the likely emotional and behavioural difficulties these children will have. You need to be truly committed to do it, for your sake and for that of the children. I understand how impossibly difficult it will be to say no, but you must do what is right for you. Don't give in to any emotional blackmail ftom social care or the family. It's very sad but it's not your fault these children can't be brought up by their own parents.

Do NOT do this, op. None of this is your responsibility. Tell the social worker to back off and stop with the pressure. Raising someone else's kids is not the life you signed up for, and you should feel at all guilty for not wanting to do this.

I would 100% get some support here with making this decision. It’s a big one.

Have you an Employee Assistance Program at work? They can offer you free counselling and advice if you need to talk it through and it’s confidential also.

It would be a big no from me, I understand you feel sorry for the children but you are not the one making them cry. As my SIL says ‘just because you can, doesn’t mean you should’

Actually, the word should needs be gotten rid of entirely. It’s a shame word.
All the best x

Also, you will have to spend even more time with your awful sibling then! That’s a total nightmare, you will have to be facilitated visits and dealing with upset children all the time.

No way. You can’t do this to yourself.

If they go into to foster care, you can visit and see them regularly, giving them support as their aunt, and let the foster caters deal with your sibling.

SW will put pressure on you, it's the easiest and cheapest solution for them. You have to continue repeating that it's not possible for you to do this, make up a reason if you have to. You don't need to feel guilty, you can still be a supportive loving auntie without the risk of the children sensing your resentment and feeling unwanted.

I had this when my DN was taken from my sister and parents. He was seriously abused and neglected but my place wouldn't have been the best place for him, he wouldn't have been safe living only 2 miles from the abusers where it would have been a constant fight to keep him safe from them.

It took a hours of persuasion before SW accepted this. He was fostered and ten years later is doing well at university.

You are doing a great thing op. Try and focus on the positives. They may well impact your life in a good way too.

Counselling is a good idea.. regardless of what you decide.. good luck.

Do not do this out of a sense of duty. Have someone with you when you speak to SS but don't let them steamroll you into it. Only do this if you are fully committed as you will have next to no support from SS, the shitty parents to contend with, dealing with the kids issues because of the shitty parents, putting your own life in hold. Yes in theory it's the right thing to do because you're family but you need to look objectively to see if it's the right thing for you and the kids. You'll still be in their lives

Please do not agree.

You say NO, you can offer occasional respite care. A weekend or 2 most months or similar.

Don't do it.

I have just spent a few years having to deal with the results of my step-daughter's issues from her mother's. It has been a hard path.

SW will be pushing it as you will be a cheap alternative.

Your life will be turned upside down in a away in which you would never have thought.

Just remember they chose to have the children and it';s their behaviour towards the children that has led to this.

Is there no happy medium here? Could they be looked after by someone else in the week and come to you at the weekends?

That's not much better. To be child free by choice and then give up every weekend indefinitely to look after someone else's kids?

My soultuion would let the children go into foster care and make sure they are not split up, if there is a lack of foster placements that can take two, they maybe looking at residential care. Then offer occasional respite and also visits to keep the relationship between you all

Really helpful

Social services are CFs of the highest order when it comes to these situations. Anything to save them money.
It's not only about the money although that can be a factor. In many areas there is a massive shortage of foster carers or ressidential homes. Ressidential homes that are not operated by the local authority seem to charge what they want often running into £000's per child per week.
Not only is there a general shortage of carer but it would be even harder to find someone to take on two children, especially if they are already have a placement.

How difficult for you OP.

I agree with pp, as much as you love these children if you're resentful of the situation it will come through at some point to the kids.
Can you have a chat with ss, see if there is a half way point, that they can be kept together and you can spend time with them and have them for mini holidays at your house occasionally so they have a constant family presence.

Poor kids, some people really shouldn't be allowed to have children!

I think this would be a very bad idea. It would be far more disruptive, and I suspect more upsetting, for the children to be 'rejected' twice - first by parents then by aunt - than to go straight to foster/local authority care in 1 step.

If you have any doubts about being able to do this for the rest of their childhood, I don't think you should do it.

What might be an option is stepping in later. There seems to very often be a gap when children age out of the care system but are still rather young to be fully self sufficient. If you can offer support at that stage it might be more useful.

This is a very good point I hadn't thought of, thank you