Full of resentment and anger

[1sttimehelp]

It is looking like I will be asked to foster 2 kids from my family. I have a good relationship with them but I am struggling with the fact I now have to put my life on hold for the next 10 years plus (I made a choice to not have children) I have no resentment towards the kids obviously , but I am furious at the parents for allowing this to happen, there is no addiction involved just crappy parenting. I can't shake the anger and resentment that they choose to have these kids together, no issues when they were a family, but once separated, it all fell to pieces and neither one can see their own faults, too busy pointing fingers. AIBU to feel so pissed off and how to I make peace with this before I give myself an ulcer. I don't want to go into the whys and is there no one else as it will be too revealing, I just want help dealing with how I am processing it (not very well)

Have you started the assessment process to be assessed as a potential carer? You’ll likely find the assessor is a lot more supportive regarding your mixed feelings and need for time than the safeguarding social worker, who I’m assuming is the pushy one. The assessing social worker should also be able to signpost you for additional support in processing your feelings.

I would agree with the other posters here who are advising you not to foster your relative's. Socal services can be pushing this to make their lives easier. Then can promise support and a payment and both can be far less than you expect or need.
Then your taking on 2 children who could have any number of issues and problems. There behaviour could be poor. They could be falling behind in school as well so they could need a lot of help in regards to this. These children would do better in an experienced foster family.
I would tell social services that you would like to keep in contact with the children, meet up with them and be there for them but you are not going to be taking them in.

Along with this the kids parents could turn up at your house or place of work shouting the odds about you having their kid's. Or arrive drunk or high wanting to see their kids in your home. You decided to be childfree by choice and your currently working full time. You need your wages to pay your bills also. You may also be paying into a private pension as well.
The truth is that you can't afford to put your own life on hold for x period of time to suit social services or their feckless parents.

I would agree with the other posters here who are advising you not to foster your relative's. Socal services can be pushing this to make their lives easier. Then can promise support and a payment and both can be far less than you expect or need.
Then your taking on 2 children who could have any number of issues and problems. There behaviour could be poor. They could be falling behind in school as well so they could need a lot of help in regards to this. These children would do better in an experienced foster family.
I would tell social services that you would like to keep in contact with the children, meet up with them and be there for them but you are not going to be taking them in.

Along with this the kids parents could turn up at your house or place of work shouting the odds about you having their kid's. Or arrive drunk or high wanting to see their kids in your home. You decided to be childfree by choice and your currently working full time. You need your wages to pay your bills also. You may also be paying into a private pension as well.
The truth is that you can't afford to put your own life on hold for x period of time to suit social services or their feckless parents.

You don't have to do this and if you do you definitely need kinship support. You might find that this gives you something more than your current life is. SS and courts put a lot of store on keeping families together and they may work with the kids parents to help them turn things around. I agree with posters that say the kids would be better in foster care if you are struggling with the idea. However, the care system is on its knees and I'd be worried that your family kids would suffer unnecessarily and through no fault of their own.

There is some great advice here OP and I agree with the majority you really shouldn’t put yourself in a position you will resent.

How well do you know these kids? How much time have you spent looking after any kids?

I’m childfree and offered to look after my niece and nephew when my sister was in hospital for two weeks and my BIL was working long hours and doing night shifts and visiting my sister.
I had spent lots of time with my niece and nephew (they were 6 and 10 at the time) but always on fun days out or with other family members present. I had no other real experience with kids at that time as my friends with children preferred to meet up without them most of the time.

I had no idea how hard it would be and I took time off work so I didn’t have that pressure on top. I hated the pressure of keeping to their schedule and the demands and completely underestimated how hard it would be.
The worst part for me was having no time to myself, I was used to living a selfish life and couldn’t stand the constant noise and mess and chatter.
They were just kids being kids but my niece was constantly singing and dancing about or asking questions or “trying to help” everything took longer to do.
My nephew DID NOT STOP TALKING!” I had to endure endless monologues about Lego, YouTube, Harry being naughty at school and what “Mrs Smith” had said when she told him off etc…
I got so sick of the sound of my own name and “watch me, watch me… no you aren’t LOOKING” that I used to have to force myself not to just get in the car and drive away!

The kids would fight constantly and were obviously sensitive to the upheaval so there were a lot of tears and tantrums and refusal to do as I asked. After a few days I had to lock myself in the bathroom and cry I was so desperate for a few minutes peace, even then they would be banging on the door.
I have no idea how I’d have fitted work in and working around their schedule, if I’d had to do a full days work then come home to that chaos as well it would have broken me.

I started to really struggle to hide my irritation and frustration and was constantly sleep deprived as they would wake up in the night and want comfort and get in bed with me. My partner helped for the first few days but at that time we lived separately, after the first few days he stayed away because he couldn’t cope either. He used to play with them and wind them up then hated when they wouldn’t instantly calm down when he’d had enough.

I felt so guilty for feeling so impatient and I know this sounds awful but there were times I had to stop myself completely losing my temper and telling them to shut up or shout at them for touching things and making a mess.

I knew I wasn’t cut out for having children, I made the choice deliberately because I never had any maternal instincts and preferred to live a quieter less stressful life. Maybe I’d have felt differently if they were my kids and I’d brought them up from babies and felt unconditional love but in this case it just made me even more sure this was a life I didn’t want and would grow to hate and resent.

People CHOOSE to become foster carers, they know what they are getting into and are supported so they know they are making the right decision.
Which scenario do you think is best - the kids going to foster carers who have made the choice to take in children, or you looking after them and spending your life regretting it?
You won’t be able to hide how you feel and you will resent having your life taken away from you.

YOU don’t need to feel guilt or like you are letting these kids down, you didn’t choose to have them and they don’t fit into your lifestyle. It won’t be like a book or a film where you have a few difficult moments then all find harmony living together and live happily ever after. It’s likely these kids will be traumatised and unsettled and you’d be facing that amongst the other challenges of parenthood.

It’s extremely unlikely you will find they suddenly enrich your life and you’ll grow to love them and feel like they are your own, those kind of bonds come from instinct and can’t be manufactured.

Having my niece and nephew for those two weeks ruined our relationship for a long time, I was no longer “fun auntie Mini” I was the grumpy auntie who lost her temper when her make up got ruined and she got sick of making pizza and chicken nuggets that never got eaten or who was late picking them up from school!

I have friends who are foster carers, they couldn’t have children and absolutely devote their lives to the kids in their care. They had counselling beforehand and knew it wouldn’t be plain sailing but they made that choice and planned their lives around it. It wasn’t a case of suddenly having their whole lives uprooted.
Both of them work as a team and support each other which I’m sure makes a huge difference.
Some of the kids still see family members when they are being fostered so you could still spend time with the kids and be in their life.
I know that’s not the same as every situation and it’s not fair to use one example as a representation of the care system, I know a few adults who grew up in care and were happy so it is proof that it does happen. It’s more likely to happen as well with you still being in their lives advocating and looking out for them.

It’s easy for anyone reading this thread and saying you should take these kids in because “it’s the right thing to do” or “it’s for the best”
Don’t be a martyr and make sacrifices based on other people’s opinions, they aren’t the ones facing such a life changing decision and are making a snap judgment without really considering the full picture.

If you do give into the guilt trips and pressure then I really suggest you spend time with the kids first if you haven’t already. Kids all have their own personalities and it’s important to see if you will get on together.
If you are an introvert who needs space and alone time then it might be an idea to see how you feel if you have kids making silly noises or screaming or touching everything and interrupting every conversation you have.
On the other hand if you are an extrovert it can be equally as challenging dealing with shy withdrawn children who need equally as much attention but in different ways.

My friends have said to me before they are baffled as to why their kids are so different in personality to them. Even when they love them they find it challenging dealing with complete opposites to them. They expected to have little clones of themselves but it doesn’t work like that, they have to treat them as individuals and not just an extension of themselves.

I’m sorry this is so long and I got carried away writing. I just was hoping that as I’m childfree I could offer a perspective that people who have children might not be able to.
This is a huge decision for you to make and I hope the advice you’ve been given by everyone on this thread helps you make the right choice FOR YOU.

Tough situation. I agree with others though, you can stay involved. As others say, everybody knowing there is an involved aunt is going to keep everybody on their toes. Not just the Foster parents but the people choosing which Foster parents.

Yes, exactly. I'm child free and wouldn't even think like this, whatever it may make me in the eyes of "others". My life, my choices.

Irrelevant but actually you aren’t quite right. There is such a thing as “stress ulcers” although mostly seen in people who are physically very unwell - such as in ITU. But we know that chronic stress can result in increased gastric acid production and raised cortisol levels.

Personally, I would be telling the SW to never contact me again and be done with it. There is no way I would stand for being bullied and coerced.

Thank you so much for your honesty, the comment about the endless monologues made me giggle because that is exactly what I am experiencing currently and feel like my ears might bleed soon!!!

For a bit of humour, watch this. Every parent has felt this!

Please don't take in children you don't want. It isn't good for you or the children. The social worker just wants to move the case out of her inbox--only you know what you can and cannot do.

Op if you do take on these children, make sure it's a kinship agreement and not a residence order. With the latter the children aren't classed as looked after and they won't be eligible for some types of support, for example pupil premium plus in school (extra funding).

Thank you, sounds like I need to do research, Im not even sure what exactly that were suggestion, all I remember being mentioned was kinship fostering

I chose to have children, and love them dearly, but bringing them up was no walk in the park. I don't think you have any idea what you would be letting yourself in for, and on top of it all, these children are probably already very damaged by their experiences. I think it would be better for them to be cared for by professionals, and the optimistic part of me would like to think that might give the feckless parents a giant kick up the arse.

These children will completely take over your life in a way you can't imagine. It's relentless, and that's even when the children are your own, planned and wanted. Your life won't ever be your own.

I know your DH is being supportive, and he's a good man, but again, you have no idea the impact of rearing these children could have on your marriage.

It may sound hard but in your shoes I wouldn't do it. I'm close to my sister's kids and in a disaster, I would have taken them in, but I would have hugely resented it and massively struggled with it. Thankfully they are adults now.

By all means, keep them close, and support them, but let trained professionals take them on now. You only get one life. I can understand it must be a huge dilemma and that you feel very responsible and railroaded into taking them. Don't let that happen. The ones letting them down are their parents, and they're letting you down too.

I don't think you should be the one who has to field them off when they are maybe calling at your door, or making trouble. I think you're too close to them in your situation.

Honestly, I would say a firm no. I don't think it's in anyone's best interests here, other than the social worker! Learn from @Minimili! Excellent post btw.

It’s not too bad if it’s something actually mildly interesting, I remember being quite fascinated by some dinosaur facts.
It was more when I had to listen to their constant stream of consciousness…
”Auntie Mini I saw a peacock today, do you remember when we saw the peacock on holiday? That was when we had that really nice pizza, are we having pizza for tea? Do you remember when I burnt my tongue on that pizza at Pizza Hut? Can we go to Pizza Hut? Why can’t we go? Can we order pizza? Why not? When can we go? Sam in my class always goes to Pizza Hut, he had a fight with Jack in the playground today….”
And on and on and on 😂

I honestly think anyone who can put up with it full time without snapping must have the patience of a saint or be really good at tuning it out.

I had no idea how hard it must be having children till I actually spent time with them. I’m sure if you love them it’s easier to put up with them being annoying but I felt so guilty that these were my niece and nephew and I was getting so angry and frustrated when I was supposed to love them and enjoy being with them.

I suppose we are all just human and only have a finite amount of tolerance and patience. It does definitely make a difference if it was your choice to make to change your life to incorporate it though rather then having it forced upon you when you would prefer a different lifestyle. I don’t think I could ever be selfless enough to put myself in that position again but have endless respect for those who do 🩷

This

My 20 year old still follows me from room to room with a constant stream of consciousness....! My only saving grace is that he spends most of his time gaming when he's not in uni or working 😉

Op you abs have to make the best choice for yourself as well as the kids of course. I'm just thinking just in case this makes a difference for you but there's also a lot of reward in helping these kids, alot of ppl being very negative about the impact on you but it could also be something you end being glad you did. I think you should be honest with the social and say exactly how you feel and what you're worried about, I don't know what the relationship is to the kids but you could be doing such a wonderful thing by taking them in. But it is absolutely up to you and you have every right to say you can't do it and I'm sure no matter what you'll find away to be there for the kids.

Dont do it then. Why do you need to be the clean up crew for feckless and useless relations? There is zero chance of me returning to the small child years once lm out of it, l will have done my time

In my very limited experience the relative would have to facilitate meetings with the parent. The parent is kept in the child’s life.
So more demands on the relative.
I wouldn’t take them on cos of this.

are they looking at permanent removal?
Social work being pushy is standard-but so would implementing a family support worker NOW who will be able to actively support the kids and you. You have to get a clear picture of what expectations are here. Maybe local advocacy or nspcc advisor that can chat to?

She might but there's so much potential for this to all come crashing down! @1sttimehelp actively chose not to have her own children. It wasn't something she and her DH wanted. Also the OP and her DH don't have any experience of raising children, and it's not for the fainthearted, particularly with children coming from such a sad situation. It could be rewarding in the long-term. It is also likely to be hugely challenging in the short-term/medium-term.

It is a massive undertaking! I don't think people are being negative. I think they are being realistic.

Would that be OP's fault or their parents?

OP, I'm childfree by choice, and honestly, I wouldn't do it if I were you.

It's clear you're already feeling resentful at even the thought of it-this is likely to show through if you do take them on, even if you do your best to hide it.

I'm so tired of seeing the posts trying to guilt, OP (thankfully not the majority), or make out that there'll be some amazing, hidden reward in it for her-really? "Oh my god, I know you didn't want kids and your sibling's and their ex-partner's fuck-ups have upended your entire life-but do you see that very faint, blink-and-you'll-miss-it silver lining on that cloud in the distance?" "No? It's there, trust me-you may need to squint, but it's there!"

It's a sad, tough situation all round. However, you need to remind yourself that you haven't put the kids in this situation-their parents being shitty parents have. That's not your fault or burden to fix.

If you're not 100% in, you're 100% out. It wouldn't be fair to take on kids that you are secretly counting down the days until they leave and loathing every second of the hindrance they place on your life.

I think if you wanted to do it-and were fully open to it-that would be a great, wonderful thing to do-but it's clear that you don't. I'm just of the mindset that kids are an all or nothing kind of deal. And these kids will come with a whole host of issues from their parents that you may need to deal with. Along with tensions in the family from the sibling and their ex, dictating to you and likely placing blame on you.

10 years is a long time to be putting up with this. A very long time, indeed. For the simple fact that you'd have to facilitate all meetings between child and parent and all the complexities and crap that comes with that-I'd say no on that basis alone.

It's important that you make the choice independent of guilt, misplaced feelings of obligation, and pressure-it has to be something that you want and are willing to do. SS will do their utmost to guilt you into it-but if it's not right-say no.