Full of resentment and anger

[1sttimehelp]

It is looking like I will be asked to foster 2 kids from my family. I have a good relationship with them but I am struggling with the fact I now have to put my life on hold for the next 10 years plus (I made a choice to not have children) I have no resentment towards the kids obviously , but I am furious at the parents for allowing this to happen, there is no addiction involved just crappy parenting. I can't shake the anger and resentment that they choose to have these kids together, no issues when they were a family, but once separated, it all fell to pieces and neither one can see their own faults, too busy pointing fingers. AIBU to feel so pissed off and how to I make peace with this before I give myself an ulcer. I don't want to go into the whys and is there no one else as it will be too revealing, I just want help dealing with how I am processing it (not very well)

So I'm a product of "the system" and I agree with others who have said don't do it... you'll also be piggy in the middle of both parents, it'll change the family dynamic massively and will have more of an impact on you than just needing childcare. Let the trained professionals do it... You ARE NOT putting them into the system, the parents are.

So sorry for this Op, I know people say you don't have to Foster them but like you I'd feel that I did have to and you're doing the right thing it'll just take a huge adjustment. So cruel for you to be put in such a dilemma though where if you put them in the system you'd have that guilt forever more. So many people should not be parents.

Taking in kids you are not capable of parenting is not doing the right or kind thing.

Enough of us have been in the system and learned what happens when parents don't know how to raise kids with trauma. You aren't doing them a favour.

I'm raising a child with trauma. I can't be a decent parent. Or even a good parent. I have to be pretty bloody fantastic most days because the cost is too high.

Also chances are op would need to quit her job. These kids are going to need a lot of patience and care.

I agree with you but I completely see why the Op is finding it so difficult. I could never not see it as the right thing but appreciate I'm biased as I'm imagining my own nephews. It must be really, really hard.

Op was just thinking of a family who fostered kids I went to school with. Their lives were enriched by being fostered by them, genuinely the foster parents were incredible - it's okay to consider that some people may be better equipped than you are for this. Again I'm so sorry I can't imagine how awful this must be.

Not sure where you are, but "the system" in the UK often involves children going to lovely confident carers as a substitute family. As a guide leader, we see children in care coming to us from really great substitute families, who get "club" and uniform costs paid for them, as well as all their board and lodging. These folks are vetted and trained, have the room.

You would, as a relative, not get so much, so I wonder if you could actually afford to give them that level of support and activities? They are usually a couple (although I have seen mother and daughter teams). It sounds as if you are single? Ask any single parent if they would choose that ( yes, they love their kids, but I doubt they find it easy doing it alone).

If the parents are flakes, then you may well also find yourself providing a complete new wardrobe, books and toys as well as beds and bedding to set them up. I have a friend who took one her nieces, and it was everything down to toothbrush and comb (then they went back, took it all with them, and then she had to do it again).

Exactly , well said. I’m not thrilled with so many people insinuating it’s the kind thing to do when often it’s not. OP should not feel guilty if she doesn’t take them in.

I used to work in social services and I was sick to the back teeth of these kind of families who were compelled purely by guilt to take on kinship placements.

They ticked all the boxes but really they did such an inadequate job and the child could always see their heart wasn’t in it.

Please don't think you have to have the children.

"The system" isn't such a bad thing.

I'm a foster carer and have three foster children long term.

We adore the children like they are our own and they have a great life with us.

That's what our "job" is and we have chosen to do this!

Please don't feel you have to give everything up because you don't want them to go into the system.

Foster parents are basically professional parents. They are so good at being parents and enjoy it so much, they have taken it up as a career.

To put it bluntly, the way you have framed this, they are likely to be significantly better parents than you will be.

We have been there, it nearly broke us😢 we initially agreed a short term placement - more than 2 children. SS are very pushy, we refused to do without any payment, we were assessed as foster carers. The children were very angry & unsettled- understandably. There is so much involved ‘ours’ had regular contact with parents - split family so 4 visits to transport to & from werekly, medical problems that needed numerous hospital/dentist visits. It was impossible to work full time. Children eventually went in to full time care, we saw/see them regularly - parents never ‘got their s**t together so they weren’t returned as they had promised, which hasn't helped their relationship with the children. Think VERY long & hard. Be a good auntie - on your terms, don't let your heart rule your head.

As with the option of Op and her H doing kinship care there are uncertainties and drawbacks with the alternative options for them.

Many foster carers can offer stable, quality care. Some don’t, however, and there aren’t enough so the odds are high of instability and some not good experiences with that pathway.

Please do not take on these children when you clearly begrudge it. There are couples that would welcome them with open arms.

That’s not true @MumTeacherofMany it sounds like social services are, in the first instance, seeking temporary care for the DC. UK has shortage of foster care. There isn’t a surplus of people offering it or seeking to adopt DC in these circumstances

Understandable that OP has a lot of thoughts and feelings as she and her H consider what to do for the best.

Please do not take on these children when you clearly begrudge it. There are couples that would welcome them with open arms.

There’s a huge dearth of foster carers, it’s not unusual to literally have nowhere to place a child - children as young as 6 ending up in residential care. Given the responses of folk on this thread who are clear they wouldn’t take related children in, it should be no surprise there’s not a stream of people wanting to be foster carers. That isn’t the OPs problem though, she needs to make the right decision for her but let’s not pretend there’s a choice of easily available, skilled foster carers out there, because there really isn’t.

You don't have to do it.

You might be the only person left, but you still don't have to do it.
Suddenly taking on 2 children, becoming a single parent, and absorbing them into your life is a HUGE ask.

I actually had a friend very recently in the same situation... Do you live in Norfolk?

But what you MIGHT want to do, is take on the role of a trusted adult in their lives. Wherever they end up, staying in touch, taking them out occasionally, doing birthdays and Christmases etc, attending parents evenings and events at school, etc etc.
Children - especially those in the care system - need as many of those types of adults as they can get.

Usually the process for kinship care is

1. Viability assessment is completed. This is a very brief assessment to ascertain whether the placement is a runner. It is at this stage that you should share your reservations about how angry and resentful you may feel. This is where you will suggest what you would wish for your future relationship to look like for the children. I.e. do you want to be considered only as a short term carer while the care proceedings are happening ( the court case where the LA is trying to devise the long term care plans for the children) or if you are putting yourself forward as the permanent carer for the children in the event that parents are assessed to be unable to meet the needs of the children in their timescales.

You can out yourself forward for either of these or both. Obviously you can decline both as well.

1. Further assessment will be completed to either register you as a foster carer or as a special guardian depending on what you want. You should be given legal advice about both these options to consider.

The assessment of you might not be positive- especially if you do not want to care for the children.

Taking on 2 kids is a massive commitment, and 2 kids who have had to be removed from their parents may well be upset and require a lot of support that anyone would struggle to give. They may also display all sorts of challenging behaviours. Even for someone who was 100% committed to fostering them could well find it very demanding.

No-one should be pressurised or guilt-tripped into taking this on. You can still be a great support to them, OP, even if they're living elsewhere.

I'm a retired teacher and knew from a very early age - before I went into teaching - that I did not want children of my own and would have made a poor parent as a result. I enjoyed working with (secondary age) children, however.

Nobody who knows they don't want children should succumb to pressure to take on family members' kids - it's not in the children's best interests at all.

I was offered a young child related to my partner. I had a young child at the time. I had two teenagers about to leave home. I decided not to foster this child. I felt I had enough energy for one child, but not two. I understand your position, it’s difficult, but unless you feel committed and comfortable with your decision, I’d advise you to say No. All the best.

I know someone who took in their nephew when their DSis died suddenly and it was an utter nightmare for the child.

The family who took him in (aged 12) really didn't want another mouth to feed, and had no idea how to deal with a child who was probably pretty traumatised by the sudden death of his mother. He was an only child and had been very close to his mother, and yet they did nothing much for him. Put a roof over his head, gave him his own bedroom and pretty much left him to it. I understand that he spent most of his time shut in his room, gaming or studying and wasn't really part of the family at all. At 18 he went to university and never returned and has no contact with his aunt and uncle. He must be roughly late 20s now and they have no idea where he is living or what he is doing.

They failed him really badly, I think.

That is so sad. If I decide to bring things kids in permanently then they will know they are loved and valued, we would make the sacrifices that were necessary to ensure they get the best from us. The thought of any child feeling like nothing more than a lodger is heartbreaking 💔

This is a huge step and commitment, so do not be bullied by social workers. You can still maintain a relationship with the children, perhaps have them for odd weekend. Parents are despicable.

Hi op, i do kinship assessments as part of my work, I just want to say that your experience is incredibly common. The last 3 assessments I was given, the family member withdrew in the early stages, and I have nothing but compassion and respect for them in that horrible decision. I would imagine its the child's social worker pushing the assessment? As in my experience, kinship assessing social workers are far more attuned to what is best for carers and as such, for children (because it's our job to have the eye for any ambivalence on the carers part) we can't make the decision for you and can't be seen to have an opinion either way, but I would encourage you to talk through your worries with the kinship team.

That’s possibly what the family thought when they took their nephew in as well - that they would make him feel loved and valued and not just a lodger.

I worked as a teacher within social services and I saw very well intentioned families largely compelled by guilt to take their niece/grandson etc in and gradually as time went on it would be very evident that they didn’t want the child there and they were a disruption to their life.

My point being is please don’t be so sure that you’ll be able to disguise or change your feelings of resentment. I’m sure some people do, but it’s not something everyone manages to do successfully.

Yeah I can fully understand that, my resentment is not at the kids, it's at their crappy parents and their lack of concern for them. But I understand what you mean and is certainly something I would be very mindful of

OP, I really feel for you here.

Take time to think.

There is no ‘should’ or ‘ought’.

In the end, IF you decide to take them, it will be better for you and the children if it was your active choice to do so and not a guilt trip driven ‘have to’. You really don’t ‘have to’. But it is up to you if you choose to.

I wish you well.