Full of resentment and anger

[1sttimehelp]

It is looking like I will be asked to foster 2 kids from my family. I have a good relationship with them but I am struggling with the fact I now have to put my life on hold for the next 10 years plus (I made a choice to not have children) I have no resentment towards the kids obviously , but I am furious at the parents for allowing this to happen, there is no addiction involved just crappy parenting. I can't shake the anger and resentment that they choose to have these kids together, no issues when they were a family, but once separated, it all fell to pieces and neither one can see their own faults, too busy pointing fingers. AIBU to feel so pissed off and how to I make peace with this before I give myself an ulcer. I don't want to go into the whys and is there no one else as it will be too revealing, I just want help dealing with how I am processing it (not very well)

My DD is single and has chosen to adopt two young siblings, not relatives. It's been very hard work. We've moved to be close to help as she needs to go on working.
If you've previously chosen to be child-free I'd give it a lot of thought before taking them in.

DD's children were taken removed from their mother and initially an aunt was asked to take them in, but she was not at a stage in her life when this was possible so made the sensible decision to refuse.
It isn't clear from your posts whether it is likely that the children would be returned to their parents but it sounds unlikely. It might make more sense for them to be adopted by a family who want them, so don't let anybody guilt you into taking them yourself.

I should add that my DD had already been a fully trained foster carer for some years so had experience of dealing with traumatised children.

My ds was in foster care from 12 months until I adopted him aged 4. The family who fostered him were lovely and he had a happy life with them. I also know a lovely couple who foster and my dh and I were training to be foster carers until he became ill and we had to stop. We would have provided a good home if we'd carried on. The children will be placed with someone who wants to foster them, if this isn't you then don't do it. Instead, be a big part of their lives, visit them, take them out, just be there for them, making sure they are OK. You don't have to foster them if you don't want to, they'll still be OK.

How old are they? And you? This seems like such a massive undertaking. How long could it be for. If the kids are with you, then are the parents less likely to get thenesleves sorted out.

I should also add that in my son's case, his auntie, who was married with 2 children and had a financially and emotionally stable life, was practically begged by his social worker to take him but she refused. They didn't think any less of her, I think they just automatically look to family first before placing with foster carers.

Don't do it.

You don't want to, you just feel obligated or that you're a better option in a shitty situation but you likely won't be.

You feel angry and resentful towards their parents now and those kids are very, very likely going to want more than anything to be with their parents and try to do everything they can to be with them now or when they turn 18 (or before depending on the care order)

They very likely won't be grateful for you stepping in and making sacrifices to care for them because it's not what they want and they probably won't understand or appreciate it until well into adulthood, if ever.

Foster caring, familial or otherwise can be very rewarding but also often thankless, particularly from the children involved and that's the harsh reality.

You can think their parents are utter shithouses but often, the kids think their parents are fantastic and social services were out of order. That's trauma for you. But it also means you could sacrifice the life you wanted for years and it will never be acknowledged that you did a good thing.

Professional FCs find that hard but non-professional family carers often find it even harder.

I've known many Grandparents or Aunts/uncles find it extremely difficult when the traumatised kids become increasingly challenging towards teenage years because they're often doing the same things their parents did at that age which the family carer finds incredibly hard as the emotional dynamics are different to a professional FC who doesn't have that history with the family.

I think your feelings are very valid considering you decided not to have children yourself. It's a huge decision for you & your husband to make whether or not you will take on these kids or not. You'd not be letting them down if you decided not to. Their parents have already let them down by not providing a stable home for them. Talk to the SW be honest about how you're feeling & ask if there's any support groups you can attend with others in the same situation. You'll get some insight as to what to expect having chats with others in the same going through the same thing. I hope whatever you decide it works out well for the children.

To echo others, don't feel you have to then them in - better to be a loving auntie who makes time for them and see them regularly. If you chose not to have kids, the. Taking on kids who will no doubt have emotional issues resulting from being removed from their parents is a very big ask. You are allowed to put your needs first, and then focus on how you can best support the kids other than through having them live with you.