Full of resentment and anger

[1sttimehelp]

It is looking like I will be asked to foster 2 kids from my family. I have a good relationship with them but I am struggling with the fact I now have to put my life on hold for the next 10 years plus (I made a choice to not have children) I have no resentment towards the kids obviously , but I am furious at the parents for allowing this to happen, there is no addiction involved just crappy parenting. I can't shake the anger and resentment that they choose to have these kids together, no issues when they were a family, but once separated, it all fell to pieces and neither one can see their own faults, too busy pointing fingers. AIBU to feel so pissed off and how to I make peace with this before I give myself an ulcer. I don't want to go into the whys and is there no one else as it will be too revealing, I just want help dealing with how I am processing it (not very well)

Kids are a FT job.
Foster kids are even more time consuming.

Chances are you would have to cut your hours/get a different job and completely change your entire lifestyle to clear up the mess their parents have made.

Whilst you are struggling learning how to be a parent and juggling everything that goes with it, they will be sat back having no responsibilities.

I would speak to SS about your concerns (don’t be bullied into anything) and ask if they were to go into normal foster care, if you would be able to keep in regular contact and have them over to stay regularly.

It could be that you have them EOW and some school holidays like NRP do.

I feel so sorry for these kids and I’d like to think if it was my nieces/nephews that I wouldn’t think twice but it’s not straightforward is it and just because you are related by blood, doesn’t mean that you would be a good foster parent to them.

Foster parents are checked and go through training.
Its also something that they want to do and not something that’s thrown on them.

Please don't take them, you're already resentful and you don't have them yet.

Kids don't dissappear in 'the system', it's likely that family will still be able to see them and have updates.

If they have poor outcomes it will be down to the parents.

Not the OP.

Foster parents are checked and go through training.
So do Kinship Carers - the assessment is very intrusive and thorough, it is likely that the OP's reluctance and resentment will show during the assessment and it will be negative anyway.

Hi op i had to foster my sisters daughters once many years ago.
I passed the foster thing but instead i went for full PR rights.
Same as you me or care i took them on,
Its a long story but..
It all got sorted out and they went back to their mums after 7 months.
They were tweens at the time so not babies but it was bloody hard.
After it was all over i did say if anything was to happen in the family like this again to anyone DO NOT ASK ME TO HELP no one as asked me for help since.
That sounds nasty but fuck it you had to be there to seen the drama i went through.

Honestly op. Long term foster care could be a much better option for them than a family member who didn't want kids and works full time . Think about it but absolutely don't feel guilty if you choose not to.

Presumably they would want you to have contact with the children's parents and you could say that from your experience of them you know that would be very very difficult for you to do if you were minding their children. You could say that you don't feel the parents would have enough respect for you or respect boundaries.

You could also say that you're not sure where you're going to be living in the future.

Hey OP. You are right that we do look for children to be with family where possible, as research tells us this tends to be best and courts take this line very firmly.

However, that doesn’t mean you should accept this arrangement or be pressured into it. A failed placement is also really detrimental to children, worse in fact.

If you’re being approved as a foster carer, you should be paid as one and supported as one; but there also standards you have to adhere to around recording and promoting contact - you might find this really hard feeling as you do towards parents. If you are being approved as something else, like a special guardian, support levels will differ - potentially significantly. Make sure your clear on this with the social worker.

It is absolutely right to ask the social worker if the LA will fund some legal advice for you, or seek your own - many children and family law solicitors offer 30 mins free advice. You might also find Family Rights Group website helpful (frg.org.uk).

This a life changing decision - only do it if it’s right both for you and the children.

@1sttimehelp and does your sister also expect you to take her kids in?? do you have a long term partner? how are you expected to live your life while watching her kids? your sis and her ex and both being extremely selfish and I am sure their actions will be remembered by their kids when the kids are older!

You need to look at this logically OP

Can you provide financially for these kids long term. How will this impact your financial future, will you need to take days off work if DC are sick or covering school holidays.

Can you cope mentally, you have decided not to have children yourself so how are you going to be equipped to parent two likely traumatized DC.

Can you protect yourself from the parents of these DC, will they cause problems for you.

What emotional support do you have, do you have a partner that can support you, any other family members that can support you and allow you to have breaks by taking the DC for weekends or on school holidays.

I would not expect any support from SS if you take these DC. A family member of mine was guilted into taking on a troubled grandchild against all their own instincts. Pressured as he was family, it was only right to take in GC, how could you let him go into care. This was six months ago, after countless pleas for help from SS, endless visits to the home by cops to try to wrangle this kid, finally last week this 13 year old kid beat his grandmother so badly she ended up in hospital. The grandparents can't take any more, he now has to go into care which is exactly where he should have been placed six months ago, but now his relationship with GP is completely fractured. Hopefully now he can get the expert care he needs to heal his trauma but I don't know if there's any way back for the family relationships.

Please think carefully and realistically about what you can cope with, there's no shame in not being the best resource for the DC right now.

from reading other posts here, SS will want to place them with family because it is far cheaper and nearly no effort for them.

But you won't get paid fosterers allowancy, you will get the much lower family version and possibly much less support.

In your shoes? I would say absolutely not. And ask if you can still keep contact with the kids.

This sounds like a good idea , i can see your very unfair dilemma.

My best friend is a foster carer, some points to consider

• she does not work, her full time role is the provide the support for the children (she has an income per child)
• she also has support of her partner , who works, this allows her to have breaks the odd evening/ lunch over a weekend etc
• her and her peers have all been parents themselves so have pre-existing parenting skills
• nearly all of the children have different , sometimes complex needs, which can be challenging (due the impact of what the children have experienced)
• as a foster cater she accesses regular meetings with SW and has accessed CAMS
• she has had to have multiple contact with schools to try and support / manage some of the children’s behaviours (time requirement during school hours)
• she also has to manage contact visits with family members (on weekends)
• as a foster cater she has been able to access some councilling for her self for her own well-being ( even for experienced foster carers it can be demanding)

Foster carers can provide the homes and support these children need.

So- it may help to compare what you can offer compared to foster carers and what will be the best for not only children but yourself.

Don’t forget- foster carers choose that role.

*Hey OP. You are right that we do look for children to be with family where possible, as research tells us this tends to be best and courts take this line very firmly.

However, that doesn’t mean you should accept this arrangement or be pressured into it. A failed placement is also really detrimental to children, worse in fact.*

I’d really listen to this. Yes it’s best for children if they can stay within the family network. It is however very hard - it’s hard for family members who really want to do it, much harder for those who feel pressured into it.

Kinship care isn’t well supported, you don’t have the same (minimal) support that foster carers get, financial support can be hard to come by and the kind of therapeutic help the kids will need just doesn’t exist the way it needs to eg easily accessible, long term and ongoing. If you have any doubts, don’t do it.

You can have a continued relationship if the children go into foster care, social work should facilitate this. While outcomes for care experienced children aren’t great generally, there’s a lot that can be done to mitigate the impact and the local authority retains responsibility for support and care. It’s a hard decision but if you decide to care for these children you need to be able to do that with an open heart and a willingness to learn how to parent them from a standing start, in a particular way that helps them recover from their trauma. It’s not easy, it’s absolutely ok to say it’s not for you.

I also agree, don't do it if you are not 100% committed to it.

One aspect I am not sure if any one else has mentioned - how well will you manage the inevitable parental interference? They know where you live, they know how to contact the kids any time they want to. They could well turn up on your doorstep high or pissed.

The best case scenario is that the one or both parents pull their fingers out, get their act together and the kids return to them. But it would be a managed return. I would be concerned about having to deal with aspect too.

I would step back and let events take their course, but ask to have regular contact with the kids, maybe overnight, maybe getting involved and going to school assemblies etc so the kids know they have a family adult on their side.

But don't be railroaded into fostering.

if you love these children you do have to foster them

Absolute rubbish-I wish people wouldn’t try to guilt trip posters.

@1sttimehelp be very careful what social services promise you. Friends of mine fostered and were promised separate counselling for each of them, the foster child and their own child-none of it ever happened. Another lady I knew through work was heavily pressurised into taking three children from a family member and because of the way social care organised it, they weren’t able to claim any money for fostering them. I forget what it was called-kinship order or special guardianship maybe?

I wouldn’t do this if I was you. You can love these children but not want to be solely responsible for raising them.

I have a very understanding husband who has been amazing throughout all of this and is ready to support any decision I make and fully appreciates how our lives with change dramatically if we go ahead with this

I would absolutely say no to this.

You have one life, and you are totally within your rights to live it as you want to. You chose not to have children, and it isn’t on you to take in and raise these ones. You are already angry and resentful, and while your husband may support you now the reality for both of you could blow your lives apart.

You didn’t create this situation, and it isn’t your responsibility to fix it.

I completely agree.
The OP certainly doesn’t have to do this but I think that it would be best bc or the children if they care for them and could come to terms with the change. I personally wouldn’t be able to walk away and think for a lot of people there would be a lot of guilt where that is reasonable or not.

I was brought up by my maternal grandparents after my mother died and it was decided to be best option as my dad had to work etc. They did try, bless them, but a mixture of grief and resentment (as to them having go through bringing up another set of children when theirs were grown) was palpable as I was growing up. I knew I wasn't really wanted there and they hated my dad when he tried to move on with his life which caused a huge amount of stress and the impact on me is long lasting. If you feel resentful and that you MUST do it, then DON'T. Much better for the kids to live with someone without the bias - you can keep a close relationship with them.

Taking kids in out of guilt and not because you want to and feel equipped to deal with the issues that come with childhood trauma is failing the children.

Op will be raising two children with complex sn's.
It is not kindness to herself, her dh, and the kids for failure.

I'm raising a child with trauma. I did the courses, did the reading, and I was still unprepared for the violence and chaos of parenting a child who has experienced trauma.

My aunt and grandparents refused to take in me and my siblings. We were separated and placed in different families. I don't feel angry with her.

Taking in vulnerable kids out of guilt or pity is not a good idea. I would hate to be taken in just because someone felt it was the right thing to do.

I 💯 agree with this.
OP this is not your problem to fix.
Do not take these kids in unless you really want to, because it's going to be tough. And if you resent them it will be terrible for them and you. . Plus it may not end here, your relatives may have more babies in future and you will then be expected to take them as well.

How does family fostering work? I grew up with my parents fostering and they did lots of respite for foster families wanting holidays and respite. I myself have been funded via SS to provide respite for a family fostering situation but this was years ago and they too were really struggling soay have been entitled to funds you may not be. But it's definitely worth asking about the respite. And I think you can get the money a foster carer gets despite being family?

There are certainly loads of charities to fill the gaps in support and taking looked after kids on short trips you can utilise. I'd also recommend cubs/scouts hopefully the same pack as they go on camp really affordably and that's a break for you.

There are not enough foster caters and siblings get split and places miles from family. People believe in the system so much but from what I've seen lots of the carers do it for what they see as easy money and don't give the level of care kids who just got removed from their family need. I e probably only known a handful well enough to judge them though obviously there will be loads of good ones but you can't be sure you get a good one. Then there is social workers they change a lot and are overworked. You advocating for these kids likely will be best for them.

And I fully get why you are angry. Doing the right thing means putting a child's need before your own. You chose not to have kids and should not have to deal with this it's just so unfair to you not just the children.

Before you actually take the kids in now is the time to make the demands for respite from SS. Once you have the kids things won't materialise. Get it in writing via email verbally on the phone is meaningless. If you are involved in the making of the CP plan then get respite out in there "to maintain the workability of the placement" or some such wording it will need to be child focused but what's best for them is a stable home for you to offer that home you will need to not completely loose your life

OP has to think about what’s best for herself and her life. It isn’t her responsibility to clean up anyone else’s mess. Taking the children isn’t ‘doing the right thing’ if she doesn’t want to do it.

If you do take them, make sure you find out clearly what the financial implications are for you, Social Services want them to come to you, it's cheaper than care. I work with families and support with benefits, I hear families telling me the Social Workers are making promises or assumptions about finances, they then find themselves supporting the children financially with little support.