Full of resentment and anger

[1sttimehelp]

It is looking like I will be asked to foster 2 kids from my family. I have a good relationship with them but I am struggling with the fact I now have to put my life on hold for the next 10 years plus (I made a choice to not have children) I have no resentment towards the kids obviously , but I am furious at the parents for allowing this to happen, there is no addiction involved just crappy parenting. I can't shake the anger and resentment that they choose to have these kids together, no issues when they were a family, but once separated, it all fell to pieces and neither one can see their own faults, too busy pointing fingers. AIBU to feel so pissed off and how to I make peace with this before I give myself an ulcer. I don't want to go into the whys and is there no one else as it will be too revealing, I just want help dealing with how I am processing it (not very well)

I am an ex SW and sit on fostering and adoption panels. I would say that you absolutely do not have to do this if you feel it is not for you. These children will need a lot of reparative care which is emotionally demanding. Let them go in to foster care then be there for family bonding and respite for the carers. This can easily be assessed and set up.

OP please bear in mind as a kinship foster carer you would also have to facilitate contact with both parents, that may be as small a commitment as dropping and collecting from a contact centre but it can be hard for kinship carers as they know parents.

You also need the social worker to be clear on the requirements of fostering. At a minimum you will have some level of expected training (first aid, safeguarding, a few others) 'recordings' which are basically child friendly regular logs of what's been happening. There will be a joint LAC (looked after child) review meetings roughly 6 monthly or sometimes a little more, and termly PEP (personal education plan) meetings at school for each child. You'd have a supervising social worker who would see you at home every 4 - 6 weeks and maybe eventually more like 8 weekly. This can be very supportive and helpful and they should have a very supportive role and also be able to help advocate for you and the children, but it's still good to know. If the social worker doesn't know the requirements, ask to speak to the recruitment or supervising fostering teams for a clearer understanding. A lot of kinship carers I work with were never made aware of the other expectations.

The child's social worker may be pushing this, but you will still need to be assessed as a foster carer (by the local authority fostering service) so you'd have an opportunity to ask more questions then. But if the children are already placed with you temporarily and there's no obvious reason not to approve you it would be difficult to back out even by then.

If you decide not to go ahead, you can strongly request regular contact with the children and maybe suggest some sort of support role where they could see you overnight at weekends or holidays sometimes. This depends how close to you they currently are as to how appropriate that might be. It would be good to maintain and build your relationship with them with a view to maybe being there when they are older as a pp said.

On the other side, even long term foster care can be ended by the foster carers so being 'in the system' as it were does put them at risk of multiple moves of placement. But as a pp has said if you take them in only to end it later it's probably better for them never to have had that.

@1sttimehelp You chose not to have children yourself for whatever reasons.

Don't let SS or anyone on here guilt trip you into taking these children on if it is not something you wholeheartedly want to do. Dealing with traumatised children will be extremely difficult. It will turn your lives upside down and you will feel increasingly angry and resentful as a result.

You are not failing them; their useless feckless parents have done that and it is far better for the children to go to foster parents who want to do the job, and who have the time and the experience to do it.

Beautifully put and I love the 100% in 100% out analogy.

It’s so true and sums up exactly how I felt and my decision to be childfree. For such a huge lifestyle change there had to be certainty. I was sold on the idea of having kids as an expectation for a long time but as soon as I actually had to be responsible for them for a short period I knew that’s not how I wanted my life to be.

Like any relationship you have to really want it and plan for it to make it work. If not then resentment grows and you sacrifice your whole life to make others happy with no reward.

I think this is a lot easier for childfree people to understand because we made our choices for good reason and being guilted to take kids from people who chose to have them and walk away must be so difficult.

You shouldn't let SS guilt you into this. If you're childfree by choice, there's a reason for that.

I am, and I wouldn't do it.

Oh my goodness OP, I do feel for you. This is such a HUGE decision you’re going to have to make one way or the other.

I have a child, or rather nearly an adult at almost 18, and even though I have a child by choice I absolutely would not choose to undertake this huge responsibility, which seems FAR more in-depth than actually having your own child judging by pp posts.

I know a couple of people who have fostered and they’ve absolutely loved it, I couldn’t think of anything more stressful.

Whatever you decide has to be the right choice for both the dc and you. I wish you well 💐

I agree. And what would their parents expect from you?

Is there a chance that one of the parents could rehabilitate with support so that they can take their dc back? Was one of them abusive?

No, you are not being asked, from your posts so far. There is a situation that you feel some moral obligation to deal with, yet there isn't an obligation, it is of your own making.
Tbh, the kids may fare better in the system; they may well get good foster families etc, whereas you have no parenting experience (not criticising, just fact)
Don't feel you have to do this; your life is your life. Don't enable the crap behaviour of others in your family. No-one will thank you for it.
And such and arrangement may be detrimental to kids

Honestly OP I think professional foster carers are a better option for them if you've had no experience especially with SEN.

I have a daughter with ADHD and ASD it is extremely tough and I work full time.

I would suggest let the system create stability, they have all the right access to different agencies etc you and your husband can support them by being in their lives for weekends, some holiday etc.

You do know if things go wrong and you have taken them in you forever be held accountable by their feckless parents.

exactly, this is what people don’t get. Statistically speaking these children are already more likely to achieve poor outcomes whether they stay at home with bio parents in chaos, go to “normal” foster care or get a kinship care placement with OP - but ultimately that’s all down to the parents.

Their best bet is to get a long term foster placement with foster carer who value education and can give them stability in both their home and the school they attend. That may help them overcome some of their likely outcomes -it’s not all doom and gloom and I’ve seen many foster kids go on to thrive.

Personally I wouldn't do it. I'm not even childfree, but there's no way I'd turn my life upside down for kids that aren't mine. Not your kids, not your problem.

And can I just add my uncle (and gran who lives with him) took me in as unofficial (ss weren’t involved) kinship carer when I was a kid for one year as my mum was struggling with housing and living in another part of the country.

It was one of the happiest years of my childhood and as someone who never had a father as a child I’ll be forever grateful for him for providing me with a taste of that .

My only regret is that I didn’t stay there permanently - I had a happier existence with him over my mum.

He has always been childfree and unmarried but the difference is he clearly wanted to look after me. Had he been a reluctant carer 5 year old me would’ve sensed it and been broken.

Don’t do this if your heart isn’t in it, it’s not kind and it’s not fair.

YANBU for being angry with your relative and ex for being shitty parents.

Agree with PPs about thinking it over with a hard head.

Are the DC being permanently taken from their parents, or would there be a scenario where, should you agree to ‘kinship’ caring for them, they could be returned to or back & forth between you and one or both parents? That would be extremely stressful.

Your H sounds great, but sadly it’s not a given that your relationship would survive the pressures of foster parenting.

Similarly, wouldn’t assume you or the DC would get much or any help from social services or the NHS (eg if the DC develop mental health issues).

Nor that the DC would get great, local, stable care with regular contact with you and other relatives under their alternative options.

also bear in mind that if you do take them in, can’t cope, your relationship/career/life falls apart and they have to be taken into foster care anyway, then that will likely cause more damage to them than going directly to foster care. You would also left completely traumatized with your life in pieces around you.

You don’t want this and aren’t prepared for it. You would be doing yourself, your husband and those children a complete disservice because of a misplaced sense of moral obligation and a desire to people please. Catch yourself on this one.

Your friends are correct. Don't beat yourself up

Do not allow SW to bully you. Have a friend or someone else with you for any interview and tape it.

We are in the same position with our grandson. We have been approved as temp foster carers and have been assessed for permanent fostering. It's been four years of hell since he was born. Crappy parenting again, no accountability at all. It's totally natural to feel resentful of the situation. We are in a situation we did not want or ask for and we are also the only family available. We are in our 60s now and had hoped for a quiet retirement .
Like you, we cannot see a child go into the system with people he does not know. Life chances are reduced for children in care. It was a Dutch option for us. Take him into our home, we both adore him and he is our only grandchild and adjust our life to make sure we are still happy and living fully or say no and have no life at all while we battle with the guilt and sadness of what we did or didn't do.
It's a highly emotional time, lonely and depressing. We are currently waiting to see if the parenting assessment is going to be positive or negative and it's excruciating. Having no control or agency over our lives or a family member is terrible, whilst the state makes a decision that may end up being the wrong one which does further damage at best and at worst it's unimaginable.
Anyone who says focus on the child is staying the obvious but you are allowed to be a whirl of emotions and to be unsure one minute and sure the next. It's a massive undertaking. Our grandson has been with us on and off for two years. We had to give up work early, use all of our savings and then he returned to parents. Within three months it went spectacularly wrong and legal proceedings commenced, and again we were thrown into chaos. Who wouldn't be angry and upset about that, but it's the situation not the child. He is the victim and we want to protect him. I admire your honesty and your desire to make things better for the children. All I can suggest is that you find someone to talk to and insist on regular updates from the social worker and don't let them walk all over you. Kinship carers have enormous pressure placed upon them because social services know there is an emotional connection. Good luck for the future.

This is really important, if they are under the care of the local authority they are responsible for helping through to uni, if you get a residence order that help will end. I would seriously consider being a supportive and in contact aunt while they go in foster care, the parents are more likely then to possibly get help from social services to turn their lives around, be really careful you don’t have get landed and they (ss) forget about the parents x

@Bimbambash thank you so much for taking the time to share your experience, what a wonderful thing you are doing but I'm sure it doesn't always feel so wonderful and definitely not the retirement you had planned! It really feels like a no happy ending no matter what option I go with, and you have explained it perfectly, I'm angry at the situation but I know I need to make my peace with that so I can make a decision with a clear head

OP the important thing is, what's best for the children.
Living with you isn't necessarily "best" for them just because you're related. Looking after children is hard bloody work, harder than you could ever imagine, that breaks many of us, who desperately wanted children, chose to have children and thought we'd do an ok job as parents! 😂😫 You will always be in their life, but it doesnt mean you have to be their primary caregiver ❤️

I don't think you're in the right frame of mind to take on 3 children full-time.

It's a huge task and responsibility for even the most enthusiastic.

And what experience do you have of parenting?

I'd offer to take the children for every other weekend, and some holidays - but with all due respect, I don't think you're up to the job.

Time to call in child services and call your family to account and limit your involvement.

Just because your family is useless - doesn't make you the martyr or saint to the rescue.

You might be well-meaning. You might think you're the best of a bad bunch. But if these children have been messed up or messed about - they're going to kick out and be a handful.

And just as an aside, what co-parenting help are your family offering?

We can't sleep or think straight right now. It's a no win situation. One of the most difficult part is managing contact with the parents. They are currently separated so it's every weekend and it's hard. My grandson is difficult after each one. There's a definite expectation that we will just do it and we don't want to really. It's one of the most common things kinship carers say is an issue as they are also probably managing their feelings about the parents too. It takes an awful lot of energy to paste a smile on for three hours. The Kinship website may be able to offer you advice or provide some useful information. My only advice is to be 100% sure it's what you can do now and into the future. You are important too and you matter as much as the children. Another poster told you you aren't up to the job, that poster hasn't a clue about you. Only you know. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. The parents created this, not you.

My heart goes out to you. I am aware of family members who have fostered/adopted children in their family because the alternative was for the children to be taken into the care system. You need to give this some serious thought. How would you deal with the children being in care and you being actively involved in their lives? That is an option. The other is to have them permanently with you and adapt your life accordingly, a major adjustment.
You have every right to be angry and resentful at the parents.
There are some amazing foster families out there.
I wish you all the best in making your decision