Full of resentment and anger

[1sttimehelp]

It is looking like I will be asked to foster 2 kids from my family. I have a good relationship with them but I am struggling with the fact I now have to put my life on hold for the next 10 years plus (I made a choice to not have children) I have no resentment towards the kids obviously , but I am furious at the parents for allowing this to happen, there is no addiction involved just crappy parenting. I can't shake the anger and resentment that they choose to have these kids together, no issues when they were a family, but once separated, it all fell to pieces and neither one can see their own faults, too busy pointing fingers. AIBU to feel so pissed off and how to I make peace with this before I give myself an ulcer. I don't want to go into the whys and is there no one else as it will be too revealing, I just want help dealing with how I am processing it (not very well)

Don’t do it.

Just don't do it. You obviously don't want to and this won't help you or the children. Or agree to do it till a foster family can be found.

Can't you agree to temporary foster ONLY with no guardianship? If you don't sign anything saying you agree to become a legal guardian I don't see how you can be forced to become their new permeant home. How old are the children? You may find Rob Henderson's book "Troubled" about his experiences being fostered and adopted enlightening.

I agree with pp who say you might be doing the children a disservice. Even parents sometimes unwittingly show their resentment to kids. I can imagine if it’s not your bio kids the resentment may be even more blatant, which will be hugely damaging for these very vulnerable and neglected children who have already been rejected.

Don’t be tempted to be a martyr about this, perhaps keep a close eye on what’s going on and be ready to step in if absolutely necessary, but some foster carers are brilliant and they may get a long term foster placement so they’re not been passed around.

I was in exactly the same situation as you. My sister is a drug addict who I hadn't spoken to in 10 years so hardly knew the kids she had. Social Services telephoned me asking to take 4 kids under 10 and I was really torn. I had a 2 year old at the time and I knew I would not cope having 6 kids! 1 child has learning difficulties. Social services were terrible to me, making me feel guilty for saying no. Social services have a duty of care to re home the children. And I know my sisters kids have a better life 10 years on with their foster carers. I would have gone insane if I had taken them in. It's not your responsibility. And I did not want my sister and her druggie boyfriend back in my life if I had taken the kids.

Sorry 5 kids I was asked to take in!

Thanks everyone, yous all have reassured me that I AINBU to feel this way, I now just need to take some time to process it all and decide what is best for the kids.

i know lots of people will say ‘you don’t have to’ which is obviously true, however, when you look at the statistics for children who go into care it’s horrendous. I’m afraid to say if you love these children you do have to foster them and you should feel incredibly proud of yourself for doing it. Focus on the kids and remember that you are doing the most wonderful thing imaginable for them. Unfortunately they may not seem that grateful in the short term but they will be one day x

Wow that is a massive ask!! I can't even imagine

Seriously, I'd let them go into the system.

Social services will steam-roller you with guilt, it makes their job far, far easier to place DC with family.

If you don’t want to, even a tiny bit; don’t.

Youve made the choice not to have DC. Fostered children who’ve been through chaotic lifestyles and estranged from their parents are even harder to care for, they have intense needs and issues which need careful handling and care.

Pushing on to the closest family member is not the answer unless the family member is fully onboard.

edit to agree with PP; you won’t see SS for dust if you take them in, even ‘temporarily’

This is awful;OP does not ‘have to’

No one needs guilt-tripping in a situation like this.

You shouldn’t upend your life for someone else’s children.
Over time your resentment may show through to the children anyway.
You are being kind even considering it, but you also need to think of yourself. You’ve made your life choices for whatever valid reasons that you did. The children’s parents have let them down, and if you say no, you will not be letting them down at all. That will always be on their useless parents.
You have one life and need to do what is right for you. In the long run what is right for you will be the right decision for the children too. They could just as easily end up living with people who really want them through the care system.

I'm a Mum and Granny and I think you have to decide what is best for YOU. It's your life and you should be free to decide how to live it. Please don't feel guilty about putting your own needs first because these aren't your children. I think a compromise route of visits, phone calls etc might enable you to be an important, supportive part of their lives without derailing all the plans you have for yourself. Definitely take someone with you to meetings with SS and don't let them cajole or guilt-trip you into being a martyr.

It’s not a guilt trip when she came on here saying she was doing it! I’m merely expressing my opinion she is making the right decision.

Have a look at this op. It would be a great way of supporting them and staying in their lives without taking them on

https://frg.org.uk/lifelong-links/

the family rights group might be able to offer you support too in making a decision that’s right for you. It’s worth a look T their website.

good luck whatever you decide to do x

i know lots of people will say ‘you don’t have to’ which is obviously true, however, when you look at the statistics for children who go into care it’s horrendous. I’m afraid to say if you love these children you do have to foster them and you should feel incredibly proud of yourself for doing it. Focus on the kids and remember that you are doing the most wonderful thing imaginable for them. Unfortunately they may not seem that grateful in the short term but they will be one day x Edited

Please don’t listen to this advice Op. I’ve seen far too many family members feel the same and then do a poor job of it because ultimately their resentment shines through.

And kids in care have poor outcomes for a variety of reasons one of them being they have had chaotic traumatic upbringings and are affected by being removed from their parents . By OP taking them in they would still be in care (kinship) care anyway.

I am critical of the care system but it’s not that simple when you look at the statistics about how badly they do.

if you love these children you do have to foster them

^^

Don't do it.

I absolutely would not sacrifice my own life for children I did not choose to have.

Don't let the SS pressure you @1sttimehelp , there's lots of good reasons why this won't be in your best interests or the DCs. The children will be unhappy and resentful being taken from their parents, you're already resentful at the prospect of parenting full time when you were childfree by choice, their parents will be wildly resentful that you've "stolen" their children. Surely it's better for them to go to experienced foster parents who can help them more and who won't care if the parents dislike them.
I know two people who are kinship carers, both of them were leant on by the SS to take the child/ren, both have little to no help from the SS now the DC are in their homes. One is harrassed regularly by the children's drug addicted parent and the police and the SS do nothing. If you really wanted to do this Op I'd say go for it, but deep down you don't, you're only considering it because you think you should want to do it, that could be a very bad decision for you all

How old are the children?

Don't do it. You chose to remain child free because that is what suited you. Becoming a de-fault foster carer because social services would rather shovel things off onto you isn't fair on you, or the DC.

Be clear that you are happy to stay in touch, like an auntie (or whatever your relationship is) but you are NOT going to step up to becoming full time Mummy to two children who have already been through what I presume is quite a lot of shit if they are about to go into care.

A lot of people trying to talk you out of it. But it's not just how you feel today. It's how you might feel in 10 years time if they have poor outcomes from the care system. It's a bag of lemons, but you might be able to make lemonade. If you decide to do it, make sure you find support as there will be a huge amount of change that you would have to accept. I would look for a support group to help you process all of that.

I think it's a wonderful thing you're doing to take the children in. The outcomes for children in care are absolutely horrendous so however imperfect kinship care is, it's vastly better than the alternative. It's perfectly understandable to feel angry and resentful of the parents, I think you're entitled to. Try and get as much support as you can from Social Services and wider family. And try and keep an open mind and take things a day at a time - you might find it a very rewarding relationship with the children in time. You are making such a big difference in their lives giving them some stability.

You need to do what's best for YOU too OP.
You chose not to have children. That was best for you.