How long would you let your child live at home?

[enchantedbymoonlight]

Ds is 24 and apart from school wasn't interested in further education, he got a minimum wage job as a delivery driver for a furniture shop and has done this for the last 6 years.
He has no plans to move out and is quite comfortable at home, he pays £100 a week, works long hours and apart from work he never leaves the house, he doesn't sit with us in the evening so chooses to stay up in his tiny box bedroom.
I'm not sure it's doing him any good in the long run to just settle here at 24, I think he'd happily stay forever.
I know it's not easy for them but I thought he'd at least have a life plan, he seems happy drifting through life.
We've encouraged him to go to college but he's content in his job.
It's not that he's not welcome at home, I just feel he needs to have something to work towards in life.
Aibu to set him a time limit on how long he stay put so that he stands on is own feet eventually or just let him stay until he's ready to move on (if ever)
He's no bother at home, we're thinking of his own happiness.

Talk to him. Tell him of your fears and ask him what he wants out of life. Try to remember him as a child and the things he enjoyed in, say, primary, and take him on a walk down memory lane. See what evolves from all that. Don't judge him or at least don't be judgemental when you're having this conversation.

So basically he works alone as a delivery driver? Or are there 2 of them?

I would be more concerned about his apparent lack of a social life than his living at home. What does he do in his room? Is he addicted to gaming or some other online activity?

I’ve not set limits, it’s a family home and I’m fine with extended family living. It just changes to being co-adults with sharing the running of the house, cleaning, shared meals etc

Yes you must talk to him.

Where does he plan to live when you're both dead? If your house is owned is he assuming he'll inherit so can coast through life?

Even if he inherited the house does he earn enough to cover all the bills?

Is he happy not going out anywhere or doing anything outside of work? I'd say that's more of a concern than him leaving home?. Does he lack confidence? struggle with anxiety? Could he be depressed?

He sounds a bit like a guy I knew, he also was a delivery driver. He stayed all his life and was great with his parents as they aged. He mum passed in his 40s, his dad ten years on. He’s still in the family house living a quiet life but has always seems happy. We dated briefly as teens, I wanted to see the world and do a million things. He was just happy in his place. He’s never seemed depressed or unfulfilled when I talk to him. He has a few pub mates from work.

He only has a couple of friends and sees them very rarely, I think they've left him behind a bit as he seems to always reach out but rarely seems to see anyone.

He listens to music, watches telly, he occasionally does play console games but not very often.

We sometimes go and get a coffee together somewhere on his day off but he's often tired in the evening, probably boredom.
I mentioned once to him about how he'd probably be able to rent somewhere on his salary but he said he would be lonely on his own so would rather be here.
I know by 24 I was itching to get out on my own and start living but he just seems to see what happens but doesn't make anything happen.

Difficult one, my two DS’ are 22 & 21, DH is starting to have discussions with them about buying their first homes, with our financial support.

I don’t expect DS1 will move out for two years, as his girlfriend is a medical student and has two more years to go, but then they will buy.

DS2, I don’t think he will ever want to leave home 😂 unless he meets the right partner of course. DS2 needs are a little different to DS1, we won’t put pressure on him to leave.

neither of our DS’ are any bother at all, very easy to live with, lovely, caring young men.

DH & I bought our first flat at 18, so things are very different now.

They both pay £150 p mth keep as this has enabled them to save.

I really don't want to pressure him, I just want him to want more.
I sometimes wonder if he just thinks it's easier to stay at home.
I wouldn't say he was depressed, lonely maybe because he doesn't see many people but then he doesn't put himself out there.
He's an only child and sees me as his best friend which is lovely for me but probably not too healthy for him.

This isn't normal.

If you let this continue you will be enabling him to waste his life.

Time for a potentially uncomfortable conversation. He won't like to hear the truth and you won't like telling him, but someone has to.

He's going to feel a lot worse about himself as the years go by. Imagine him bumping into a friend from school, they will likely mention their lives, their career, their home, their family, what will your son say in return?

"Yeah, I'm doing good, still living at home, what? No, I have the same job, saving up for a car though . . . ."

Imagine that conversation, when your son is 34 and his friend is married with kids, a nice house, head of something or other. It will be so embarrassing for your son.

I'd give him notice, twelve months, after that he must move out.

Don't baby him, he's a grown adult, time for some tough love.

I think you should be thankful that your son is healthy, employed in a job he obviously likes , pays his way at home and does not have a problem with drink drugs or gambling , not in a bad relationship he can't get out of . He is 24 with his life in front of him and is happy .

I don't know if you can make him want more. If he doesn't want it he doesn't want it. That's just his personality and you'll probably only cause hurt if you try to change him now. Many many people are content living like he does.

You could have a conversation about him eventually moving out if that's what you want, but it's unlikely to result in a major change to his outlook, I imagine he would simply continue living the same life in a different place.

As long as he is paying rent and pulling his weight with washing, cooking, cleaning, gardening, shopping, and any other household needs as long as it is necessary, I guess, DH (his Dad) may not agree!

I'd feel different if he was studying or saving for somewhere but his situation isn't going to change and I think the longer he stays here the less motivation he'll have to make a life on his own.

If you tell him he has to leave he will probably end up leading the same life in a bedsit but without being able to save any money to maybe one day buy his own place.
People are different and want different things. You could perhaps have a talk with him about his social life maybe suggest he join an evening class or a club of some type if there are any in your area,
But if he is happy and you are happy with him staying in would be a shame to make him leave just to conform to societies expectations.

I have a friend who is 46 and still hasn't moved out, he's also an only child. He's happy in his job and hobby. He is frugal and has savings so could easily afford to move out, he went straight to work after 6th form. Never had a relationship. I think his mum is dependent on him for lifts, don't think she's suggested he move out.

Forever, I love him. But he has bought a house with his partner of 15 years so I think that's best for him.

I think you’re right to be worried tbh. The longer he stays like this the harder it’s going to be for him to do things differently later - get out and meet people, try new things - and he’ll be very lonely when you’re gone. And a single life on minimum wage is tough.

Could he perhaps get a second job that’s a bit more sociable - shifts in a pub perhaps? He sounds like a nice reliable chap that would be a good employee. Or perhaps he could find some courses to do to enhance his job prospects longer term? You’ve said he works long hours so guess this may not be feasible but it might be worth reducing those hours if it means he can break out of the pattern.

Does he exercise?

I would be encouraging him to get out of the house and do stuff - anything really - just to get out of his very narrow life so it doesn’t become entrenched.

Exactly this . Why should he move out and pay someone else mortgage for them and be lonely stuck in a room , flat or bedsit ? If your son is happy with his life right now thats all that matters . Maybe teach him some life skills such as cooking cleaning etc as you won't be around forever , but honestly if he is happy and has no issues I would leave him as he is .

The first reply, from @Jux, is excellent advice, OP. That's not pressurising him. Do you think you could have a conversation like that?

🙄

So he should waste his life watching TV.

The ONLY reason he has the opportunity to live as he does is because his parents allow him to live in their house.

Why do you think he would move into a bedsit?

He may choose to wake up, grow up, and maybe move abroad, travel, do something, do anything, other then waste his life.

Comfort is a bigger barrier to progress than hardship.

My 45 year old brother is still with my Dad who is in his late 70s.

We haven't had a full on conversation about it as he likes to keep his cards close to his chest but I have asked about his plans for the future and he'll often say "yeah I'll think about what I'll do" but I agree we need to hear a more solid plan which is difficult when he just takes each day as it comes.

I would be less worried about him living at home than his hermit-like existence, which strikes me as quite worrying for a young person of 24. Does he have friends? Does he ever go out? Has he ever had a gf/bf? Is he interested in having a relationship? What are his plans for the future? Does he have any SEN? Is he very shy or introverted? Is he happy and content with the (what sounds to me) very limited and small life he leads? Is he depressed?

We can't all be go-getting A-type personalities, but life is passing him by and it sounds like he needs a nudge to get out there a bit more.

i would encourage at 21 for my two, but by then i hope they would already have had the experience of living away for university so would want the independence... my daughter is already asking if she can go to boarding school (no i think shes too young and i want her with me!) so shes quite independent.