How long would you let your child live at home?

[enchantedbymoonlight]

Ds is 24 and apart from school wasn't interested in further education, he got a minimum wage job as a delivery driver for a furniture shop and has done this for the last 6 years.
He has no plans to move out and is quite comfortable at home, he pays £100 a week, works long hours and apart from work he never leaves the house, he doesn't sit with us in the evening so chooses to stay up in his tiny box bedroom.
I'm not sure it's doing him any good in the long run to just settle here at 24, I think he'd happily stay forever.
I know it's not easy for them but I thought he'd at least have a life plan, he seems happy drifting through life.
We've encouraged him to go to college but he's content in his job.
It's not that he's not welcome at home, I just feel he needs to have something to work towards in life.
Aibu to set him a time limit on how long he stay put so that he stands on is own feet eventually or just let him stay until he's ready to move on (if ever)
He's no bother at home, we're thinking of his own happiness.

Also, being widowed when my kids were young has probably made me more capable and self reliant than someone who's always had a partner to lean on and then suddenly loses them at an older age. Widowed parents have no choice but to just get on with it and be independent! It's no picnic.

He sounds lovely but I'm sure he's a bit lonely. Would he think of doing online dating?

Op ,I do understand your concerns about his happiness and so on but why does this tie into his moving out? He works long hours like you said so I'm assuming he would be super tired to do too much of anything else but of course he needs a work life balance especially being so young. I don't think the solution is to get him to move out, but maybe try supporting a social life or other work options to help supplement his happiness before you ask him to leave. He's only 24.

"apart from work he never leaves the house, he doesn't sit with us in the evening so chooses to stay up in his tiny box bedroom.
I'm not sure it's doing him any good in the long run to just settle here at 24, I think he'd happily stay forever."

What are you even asking? Obviously this is not how a 24 year old's life should look.

Yeah you hit the nail on the head.

If he's unhappy, him living at home really isn't likely to be the source of unhappiness. It'll be his lack of hobbies, dating, social life. Giving him a 'deadline' wouldn't actually change any of that at all - it'd just give him something else to worry about.

But he might not be unhappy - some people are introverts

Times have changed. The average age an adult move out of their family home is 25; obviously much older than in the days of affordable housing. I fully expect that the move-out age will keep rising, too.

I'd worry about his lack of interests outside the home and lack of social contacts but not his age specifically. My eldest is 23, also ADHD. Same minimum wage job for past two years and doesn't know what they'd like to do, though job is unsatisfactory and hours fluctuate weekly. We're happy for them to keep living with us for now - we have a largeish house and they have a double bed and sofa bed in their room. It's ours also, so they will inherit, with sibling.

Difference is they go to gigs, have friends who often stay over, have had one long term relationship and may be embarking on a second.

I'd like to see more ambition but all positives are gains, in my view (struggled as a child with friends and following rules).

I wouldn't push your son out but I would try to encourage efforts to meet peers etc. Online dating? Hobby? Mine has met lots of people through online gaming - including former partner.

My thoughts too ,i have a son at home the same age .
I hope he eventually moves out for himself but he is no trouble to me and he is saving for whatever his future plans turn out to be, which i think will be moving out in his own time.
There is no way that i would present him with a deadline i would hate to give him that pressure and potential worry by doing so.
And in response to someone saying this isn't normal well what exactly is normal?
24 isn't old , still plenty of time to do so many things with their life.

You are absolutely right about every autistic person differing, of course. The point I was making is that I don't think parents help young adults by enabling very low effort, low skill development and low socialisation. Encouraging them to try things and being very supportive when they fail as we all do at times, is, in my opinion, one of a parents' duties in helping young adults to launch.

So I have a lot of sympathy for OP and am puzzled by people who think it's fine for him to live as he does. I'm not saying everyone should strive all the time or be extrovert. But even quiet lives benefit from friendship and development, from self reliance and resilience.

I don't see how moving out into a place on his own will help. He's already said he'd rather stay at home because he'd be lonely on his own. It will just mean he sees even less people.
If anything, a different job might help - one where he mixes with people rather than drive around alone, if that's what he does.
I wouldn't ask any of my children to move out. I would hope they would work up to that themselves (one already has) but it isn't something that I would try to force as long as they were paying their way.

I don't disagree but we don't know what he's been encouraged to do and what he simply can't 🤷

I try lots with my DS, he's very bright, funny, loves outdoors etc but he is also incredibly anxious and selectively mute. For example, if he was lost he'd in no way be able to ask someone to help him, he'd rather stay lost and sleep in the snow than speak to a stranger. I think for us it's baby steps, in the Ops case her DS has had a relationship, there is definitely hope there that he can make more of a social life for himself.

I guess he feels safe, he knows his job inside and out, he knows his bedroom inside and out so it's going to take a bit of a crow bar to get him started but it sounds doable.

I wish him and OP all the best.

Sorry if it's been mentioned already, but if he enjoys driving for a living and not interested in formal education, could he not get an HGV license and then he'd make better money and could see a bit more of the country/ Europe at least?

I completely agree. It's not the housing, it's the interests, social life and life skills. Could you encourage those first, before he's moves out? As a PP said, could he get a second job that is a bit more social?

Make him pay as much as he would as if he were on his own. Set some of that money away on a savings account he will get when he moves out. Ofcourse he wants to stay with you if not: he has much more money to spend and someone to do the housework. Make him pull his weight financially and house-wise and you'll see he'll start looking out for rentals to move...

I'm still at home at 39. I work but don't earn enough to move out. My siblings have only done it because their partners are paying the mortgage on their flats.
I do all my own cooking, help out with other household chores and save all I can. Yet I know I am judged heavily which upsets me. I have chronic illnesses as well which also impacts on my decision to move miles away to a cheaper area.
People are too quick to judge.

As for your son, You can't change who he is. Trust me, he will only end up resenting you for it. He's far from a lazy layabout from what you have said.
One lifestyle doesn't suit all. Not everyone wants to be married or have kids. Success comes in many different forms. It was depressing to read the post where she said your son would feel bad if he were to meet old school friends and they were talking about their marriage and kids. Honestly, when I chat to some of my old school friends, envy certainly isn't the word I would use when I look at their marriages or their kids.
It's 2024 now and it's depressing that being married and having kids is still seen as the only way to be a successful and normal adult. Nothing has really changed since the fifties it seems.

Forever! Tho for his sake I'd rather him move on with his life, (which he has), but would never, ever refuse him bed at home

I stayed at home until I was 45 and then moved in with my partner that I'd been seeing for 15 years at the time. I had a horse and M and D knew how much he cost me to look after and I used to compete a lot too and it was quite expensive, they knew I couldn't afford to move to my own house at the time. I had a strong work ethic because I loved riding and competing and having my own horse, and I used to work hard and get up early to go to work. They were well off and didn't want much from me. I seem to recollect I was paying around £30 a week although I wasn't earning much freelance at the time. They were happy to let me lead the life I wanted and live at home, as long as I followed their rules which I did and they enjoyed having my company, even now Mum says she is glad I lived at home as long as I did. They used to come and watch me compete and I was very close to both of them but also had my own time with my partner.

I used to stop over at partners on a Friday and Saturday and bank holidays. I wasn't prepared to move in with him as he had a tied cottage with his job and it wasn't very nice, full of damp and mould. We planned to get our own house one day and this is what happened, we've lived together for the past seven or eight years now - a shared ownership.

I don't see anything wrong with staying with your parents if that's what you want to do and they are happy for your to live with them. They were rattling around in a four bed house and I used to spend my evenings after doing the horse, either with my fella or in my room watching TV or reading. I rarely saw them in the mornings as I was up and out by 6.30am.

It was hard when I lost my Dad as he was such a huge part of my life for so long. I still have Mum although she's in a care home. I moved out about 5 months before Dad passed away and I was glad in a way that I had moved out as I wanted to distance myself emotionally from my parents although no one knew he was terminally ill then.

My parents have always been such a huge part of my life and I still see Mum nearly every day, when I visit at the care home, before that I probably saw her three times a week. There is nothing to be ashamed of living with parents these days, there are millions of youngsters who will never be able to get their foot on the housing ladder and I can see that living with parents long term will be the solution for many of them going forward.

I’m torn on this one.

If there is ASD or ADHD involved, that can have a massive impact on someone’s confidence and executive function, and it can take much longer to get “launched” if at all. And change is intrinsically difficult for some people with ASD.

Where there isn’t ND present, it helps no one to have a very extended adolescence, living with others who take responsibility for bills, repairs, and in effect act as a “shield” or intermediary between you and the real world. It’s not so much that there is anything wrong in living a quiet life, it’s the accumulated experiences that you miss out on while you are in your bedroom, and not taking full responsibility for your own life, that has a detrimental impact on your confidence and competence.

Also, if you are not out there, you are not open to any “spontaneous” enjoyable things that might happen, as well as the scary things.

Lastly, a pp commented on how it is not easy for young people nowadays, and of course the housing situation is dire, but I like to challenge the premise that “not easy” is therefore undesirable. How else do we learn and grow in confidence, if not by overcoming situations that are “not easy”? Is an “easy” life a fulfilling one?

There are very few people I know that have moved out alone. A lot rely on their partners. I don't see how this is any different to living at home....

I love seeing DS when he comes home from work. Same with DD comes back from university.

I moved away from home when I was quite young, but most people I know went from living with their parents straight into living with a boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse. I know multiple 40+ people who have never lived independently. A lot of the women are partially or entirely financially dependent on their husbands and have never had to negotiate their own car insurance, for example, because hubby sorts out the manly things. I don't see why this is "correct adult life" and living with one's parents is not. There is no such thing as a "correct" way to live as long as you are law-abiding and content.