How long would you let your child live at home?

[enchantedbymoonlight]

Ds is 24 and apart from school wasn't interested in further education, he got a minimum wage job as a delivery driver for a furniture shop and has done this for the last 6 years.
He has no plans to move out and is quite comfortable at home, he pays £100 a week, works long hours and apart from work he never leaves the house, he doesn't sit with us in the evening so chooses to stay up in his tiny box bedroom.
I'm not sure it's doing him any good in the long run to just settle here at 24, I think he'd happily stay forever.
I know it's not easy for them but I thought he'd at least have a life plan, he seems happy drifting through life.
We've encouraged him to go to college but he's content in his job.
It's not that he's not welcome at home, I just feel he needs to have something to work towards in life.
Aibu to set him a time limit on how long he stay put so that he stands on is own feet eventually or just let him stay until he's ready to move on (if ever)
He's no bother at home, we're thinking of his own happiness.

I think this state has a name. I read about it last year - "failure to launch" or something. It affects men more disproportionately than women. in Poland they also picked up on this trend growing and quantified that there is a increasing number of men over 40 who live with their mothers, but, in that article the men were often not working. So the worry was, will it cost the state to pay their rent.

Also, in another article, on this topic, parents said they started charging their living at home kids near full market rent and putting it in a savings account for them so it adds up to a nice deposit for them to use and buy somewhere

The original posters son is literally my brother. Except he was about 30 so a fair bit older. He’s mid 30’s now and doing exactly what he did in his box room at my dad’s, only doing it in a bedsit. Which my dad helps pay for. He doesn’t have any friends or hobbies and works in a minimum wage job. I think it’s a sad life but he seems content. Ultimately you can’t force someone to change or conform to societal norms.

I will also add that some people here have failed to consider how demoralizing being in this age group these days is.

Uni pedaled as the key to success, so if you don't go you're a failure - well I did go, studied a 'respectable' discipline, and it didn't give me any magical happiness or means. I have a lot of debt and can't really afford any more than my peers who didn't go.

Stay at home, and be judged as a failure because you still live there, or move out and pay extortionate rent (the increase in which never shows any sign of stopping)... but then at the end of the day you're still a failure - you've never been able to afford to buy somewhere because you couldn't save. So you're stuck skint, not able to buy treats/go on holiday/go out and socialize, with £800 of your money going into someone else's pockets for years and years. Potentially forever.

Unless you found a relationship young (so you can split costs), and were lucky to find a high paying job, it's actually very difficult to know what to do for the best these days as a mid 20's person. I know because I did all the 'right' things but still my relationship ended, the market was flooded with grads, and I found myself in this position.

Is it any wonder young people are somewhat despondent? It's often not lack of ambition, hard work, or being happy to 'coast', but swimming against the tide.

If you are ok for him to live there have a conversation about saving his money. If he doesn't go out that should be relatively easy. Those who can live at home (myself included) until they figure it out are really lucky. You just have to help guide him along the way - he will get itchy feet and want to move out

It sounds like he's got lost on the transition from teenager to adult, lost social confidence (which happened a lot particularly at that point in time) and doesn't quite know how to fix his social networks. ADHD would make him more susceptible to that.

I'd focus on getting him doing something where he can get out and meet people. He's reaching an age where social groups become more varied and less age based.

I have an autistic son. I'd be concerned about him living at home permanently with no external social input because it would make for a more abrupt transition for him assuming we die before him.

It doesn't mean I expect him to be socially lively, but being able to function solo and having some form of external interest in life is important for general wellbeing.

A lot of youngsters have missed out on life experience due to Covid and are socially and emotionally quite a few years younger. So bear that in mind. If you have any close family and friends that could act as a life coach/mentor to him to chat that might help. Any passions as a youngster at all that could be reignited?

As long as he wants.

Quite honestly, as a single person living in a rented property, having someone else to help with the bills would be a bonus. Obviously if he wants to move out then I'd be happy, but I'd have no issue with him living at home at any age.

Why?
I'd be happy "in my time" to live like this, meet as few people as possible and just do what's necessary in the life (I didn't choose).
In reality, I moved away from abusive parents
at 20, married so that I never had to work or have children.
Guess what - I'm happy at 45. Never had to strive much for anything, and why would I?
This guy doesn't cause any problems, so who are you to say what's "normal" or not??

I'd let them stay as long as they like. I'm a widow so would be happy to have the company. We all get on well, so there's not really anyone else I'd prefer to live with.

I would be a bit concerned but it’s ultimately his life.

I don’t think putting a time limit or pushing him into something is actually going to help him.

People are emotionally younger these days and so a 24yo a few years ago would have acted much more mature than 24yos these days.

I would let him carry on living at home but talk to him about saving for a deposit for a home in the future as he doesn’t want to have to rent.

I would focus on his social life but not keep mentioning it or keeping on at him.
Its hard to make friends and it’s not nice when someone has points out that someone is lonely.

You could see if there is a local college for an evening course or groups for his age group and casually mention it in conversation.

If he likes to look good, then perhaps a team sport or class might be good for him.

@TobaccoFlower it's not right to expect your children to provide you with company, not saying that you are doing that.

But you see it a lot when posters come on here complaining about parents demanding to see them, dropping in on them all the time, as these parents don't have a social life, anything else to keep them busy.

That depends on where and how big the house is and whether there is a mortgage to pay. And also we don't know whether he buys food separately. We are 3 adults sharing house costs and ours don't come to much more than 550 each per month not including food.
For all it's worth, I'd take dull any day over sharing a house with 6 strangers who don't clean the loo which is what most 20-somethings are doing nowadays. I had horrid time housesharing in my 20s so don't recommend it to anyone who has an option of helping the parents with housing costs.

It's a hard one some people just like a simple life it can be a lot less stressful than joining the rat race.
Personally I don't think I would be pushing him to rent somewhere but more advising him to start saving so he can one day buy a place of his own. Obviously there is the concern of boredom/depression.
Have you ever know him to date/ do you think he is interested in having a partner? I do work with someone who has always been single/doesn't seem interested. He moved out of his family home when he was 30 and bought his own flat I think with a gentle push from his parents. He seems happy enough and from office talk sees friends occasionally.

What is his yearly salary? Can he afford to move out?

Leaving home for single living and independence is often not a choice.

Myself, my siblings, my parents and their multiple siblings - all left home between 16 and 19years old - not to pursue 'independence' but to escape unbearable home lives.

My independence involved living in a dangerous, cold and uncomfortable situation - because I had no choice. I want better for my children.

My thinking too. Yes it’s a concern but if you encourage building a saving pot up it might help him move forward if he suddenly finds the desire. Encourage options but don’t push out just because, is my thought. It’s hard as my own got a job just as the first lockdown started which led to working from home permanently. He eventually started cooking family meals and for himself if we’re out and making himself go out for fresh air and shop. He has been saving every penny but even a basic home is very pricey where we are. At least your own is going out to work and has the chance of meeting others. But yes keeping the conversations going maybe suggest he takes over certain jobs regularly and regardless of it being simpler or easier for you.

As for us. Our DC can live with us for however long they want. We expect them to move out if and when they get married.

Why not? What would be the point of me cooking for DH and I alongside him cooking for himself? The same with laundry.

If someone is part of the household they share the chores. He should cook for all sometimes. He can put on some laundry too. Or hoover, clean windows.

Contributing money to the household pays your share of expenses, doesn't pay for servants.

My daughters are 21 and 23. They are at uni, and home, and wherever. When home they are usually working to earn some money, but in the house they pitch in and do their share.

Studying is no guarantee he'll get a job in that field anyway. And if he has no passion or aptitude for it, what's the point?

Also what does he do with his money? He pays £400 a.week to you, and the rest...? It must be sitting in his bank, surely?

Surely you would rather they live at home working a minimum wage job (which is more jobs than people realise) than be single parents surviving just on benefits within a home paid for by council...

Not everyone wants to be career driven. Tell that to your local Tesco worker, to your local delivery driver.

Some people just never do leave home. I have a family member with a son who still lives with her and he’s in his 50s. He’s never had a relationship that I know of. She’s in her 80s and not in great health. They live in a pensioners bungalow which is a council property so he won’t be able to stay there when she’s gone so no idea what he’ll do.

I had another family member who was exactly the same although his elderly mum who died in her 90s had her own house which he inherited. He lived on his own for about 5 years in his 60s after she died and then he became unwell and passed away.

i don’t think either of the men are/were unhappy. They just lived really simple lives- walking the dog, watching telly, maybe going to the pub and meeting a sibling or the odd friend and were content with that.

I am hoping my own children leave home around age 25 because I think they need the experience and the independence - they both want to travel and experience the world so I hope when they’re older they’re able to do that

No @Mademetoxic I absolutely would not want them to continue living at home. Even as single parents I would expect them to live their own independent lives. Happy to help them out but not living at home.

My DSS is 26 with no signs of moving out

But unless you're in a relationship or earning a lot of money funding your own place is extremely difficult.

I would rather my kids not live off the state on benefits being a single parent, but at least working a minimum wage job and being independent that way.