How long would you let your child live at home?

[enchantedbymoonlight]

Ds is 24 and apart from school wasn't interested in further education, he got a minimum wage job as a delivery driver for a furniture shop and has done this for the last 6 years.
He has no plans to move out and is quite comfortable at home, he pays £100 a week, works long hours and apart from work he never leaves the house, he doesn't sit with us in the evening so chooses to stay up in his tiny box bedroom.
I'm not sure it's doing him any good in the long run to just settle here at 24, I think he'd happily stay forever.
I know it's not easy for them but I thought he'd at least have a life plan, he seems happy drifting through life.
We've encouraged him to go to college but he's content in his job.
It's not that he's not welcome at home, I just feel he needs to have something to work towards in life.
Aibu to set him a time limit on how long he stay put so that he stands on is own feet eventually or just let him stay until he's ready to move on (if ever)
He's no bother at home, we're thinking of his own happiness.

I don't have a hard and fast rule. They just have to be easy to live with. I'd be more concerned at encouraging him to branch out a bit socially, but otherwise he does sound content.

You said he isn't saving anything, what does he spend his money on if he is home all the time?

Thankfully we have quite a bit of land and outbuildings (like the tiny cottages you can rent of airbnb type places). We plan to move our kids to those as older teens so they learn to keep their own spaces and cook and clean a whole space themselves. They'll still be welcome in the family home for meals and stuff but I think independence is really important. They can stay there free while they're in education. Once they start earning they start paying rent and need to be saving for their own place at a reasonable percentage of their income. They leave once they can afford to buy their own beginner property, I.e small house or flat.

We'd still do the same timeline if we didn't have the extra buildings but I think forcing independence would be more of a battle.

I don't think it's good for adult children to live at home, I think it holds them back in a childlike state. I used to find it so strange meeting up with old friends and they're bitching about their mum moaning at them to do chores while I'm running a whole household.

As long as they want.

He sounds a perfectly lovely guy but I would be concerned about his MH being so unmotivated and a loner. Talk to him OP .

My boy stayed until he was 28. Then he met a girl, got married, and they bought a House of their own. No problem.

I had a friend like this.

At first it was just she stayed home working & I'd gone off to uni

But over the years its like she's suspended aged 19.

I and other friends have progressed in careers, met partners, had families, live in our own homes.

She's still working in the same entry level minimum wage job. Socialises a bit via work but the people move on so its a different set of mates, progressively younger, as she gets older, and she's less and less in common with each round of 18 year olds. Because she is now 38.

She was bright enough at school but has it terrifically easy with parents, they charge her way less on rent etc than she'd spend living independently and she likes to spend the extra having nice clothes/gadgets/car etc.

I do think its sad and holds her back. Its too easy for her staying put. Her mum does her washing!

If she needed to earn more to afford the things she wanted etc it would probably drive her to aim for a better job, expand her life a bit, allow her to meet more people... grow

They could live here for as long as it takes to save and set themselves up but I'd expect a cut off of late 20's and definitely by 30.
If they were being a lazy arse and just too comfortable, I'd be telling them to move out asap.

Expensive clothes, shoes, his car (3L BMW) that's his only outgoings other than phone and his contribution to us.
He likes to feel good and looking good makes him feel good.
It's just a shame he only gets to wear it out with me.

I used to find it so strange meeting up with old friends and they're bitching about their mum moaning at them to do chores while I'm running a whole household

I have an asian friend I've know for about 20 years now. She married and moved into her husbands parents home with him. They had a couple of kids. But tbh I am somewhat envious of her life! She earns well but due to the living situation (hubby also earns well), most of her money is "fun money". She's friends with a large group of women in the same situation and they're always off on trips, going to various events etc etc. It never seems to end.

Meanwhile, I'm struggling to keep up with my increasing rent payments, ever escalating council tax etc. She definitely "lives" a lot more than I do. I can't afford even half the things she does. The family as a whole have a large house so she and her DH do have private spaces. She's always had childcare on hand. Yes I'm aware she'll probably care for her in laws, but then her DC will do the same for her.

If he's not saving, what is he doing with his money? I would start by addressing this and getting him to plan for his future. If he leaves in 10 years time he will at least have some choices. As opposed to being broke and homeless.

I think there is quite a lot of projecting here. Some people simply aren't interested in material and social indicators of success and certainly wouldn't feel embarrassment at their own perceived lack of success.

He does need to move out eventually, but if he is content with his own small and quiet life, and his choices, and not interested in being a good little consumerist ladder-climber, then that is not 'embarrassing' - it's just who he is.

As long as needed in today's climate as long as they were being responsible.

I agree, although he is doing nothing wrong, he is getting stuck in a rut and is getting far too comfortable in it. What if he's still doing this at say 40? Zero motivation with zero life aspirations, still living off mum & dad, doesn't sound appealing at all. What's going to happen when he meets someone? The person will be put off instantly because he still lives at home, so yes this can affect his life.
Whilst he's living with you he needs to be saving for a house deposit instead of wasting his money on silly expensive clothes that nobody gets to see.

Is he saving much now? If not, I think that would be the first conversation. He has an enormous opportunity to save up for his own place.

Also, is there much scope for him to progress in his current job, perhaps to get experience doing other things for the business? It could be a good (and less scary) way of exploring other career options without leaving his job and taking a risk on something completely new, if he’s open to it.

There's nothing wrong with working in a minimum wage hob
But I would be more concerned about his lack of friends ,social activities.

A friend has set the limit at thirty.

Have you had ‘the grown up ‘ conversation with him. Ie. Saving towards house deposit etc. Some young adults need guidance in this direction. Ie, how to set up saving accounts, or it hasn’t even crossed their mind to do this.

Do they tell around the house? If not, start to get them cooking a meal per week.

Ditto with washing, household chores etc

It’s very easy for kids living at to keep the same routine - mum cooks and cleans, kid plays games , and suddenly everyone wakes up and realises kid is now the age the mum was when they gave birth to them.

@Work2live OP said he's saving nothing. I find that a bit shocking.
Does he at least perform chores, cook and buy food?

25 is the final cut off for me but hopefully it will be a few years before then (disclaimer obviously if they had a big thing happen to them they'd be welcome back any time e.g my friend temporarily lives with her mum and she's in her forties).

I adore my kids unconditionally and I'll always be there for them and love them but independent living is a good thing and lots can be learnt from it imo.

I'm in a similar situation with DS1 who is approaching 24. He does have a great degree (travelled plus covid so didn't really make any connections) but has been diagnosed as autistic. He struggles with communication and anxiety so the thought of making the necessary life changes are difficult but he ultimately does want to live independently.

I agree with the many posters who have said the first stage is to try to get him to widen his horizons a bit.

That's the stage we are at. He's started volunteering at scouts with a neighbour who is aware of his limitations and he's really enjoying it. I'm going to try to get him into something else that isn't too peopley or solitary. Bowls or curling seems to be big round our way with younger folk as well as older so thinking of us both going to a come and try session and if he gets into it I can maybe bow out.

It's hard op but I could never just tell him to go without some sort of network in place for him.

The people who are saying this isn't "normal" ; that's a pretty unpleasant term. Lacking in imagination and much knowledge of different types of people.

Forever. We are not the average family and if they need or want to stay forever, they can.

Would he have any interest in going on a holiday? This could really help him, with the planning and also the holiday itself.

Also think it could be really worthwhile joining a gym or some sort of sports club if he’d be into that sort of thing? Might help to widen his social circle a bit and give him some more confidence. I used to suffer with low self esteem and getting fitter really helped.

As long as saving for a deposit or paying their way they can stay for ever. My dd is 27 and lives with me but we split the costs