How long would you let your child live at home?

[enchantedbymoonlight]

Ds is 24 and apart from school wasn't interested in further education, he got a minimum wage job as a delivery driver for a furniture shop and has done this for the last 6 years.
He has no plans to move out and is quite comfortable at home, he pays £100 a week, works long hours and apart from work he never leaves the house, he doesn't sit with us in the evening so chooses to stay up in his tiny box bedroom.
I'm not sure it's doing him any good in the long run to just settle here at 24, I think he'd happily stay forever.
I know it's not easy for them but I thought he'd at least have a life plan, he seems happy drifting through life.
We've encouraged him to go to college but he's content in his job.
It's not that he's not welcome at home, I just feel he needs to have something to work towards in life.
Aibu to set him a time limit on how long he stay put so that he stands on is own feet eventually or just let him stay until he's ready to move on (if ever)
He's no bother at home, we're thinking of his own happiness.

Mine can stay forever if they want. If they want to move out that's fine and I'd support them but as long as they're happy I don't really care. Everyone is different. I had to leave at 18, I'd take it as a compliment if they wanted to stay.

I think that's the point, OP. If you ask a young man in this situation about his plans for the future he's going to shut down. Because he likely doesn't have any plans beyond staying as he is, and he probably feels defensive about that.

If you may be talk about what his favourite bit of the week is, what he loved as a kid, what hobby he would take up if he could choose anything...

Just widen the chat beyond what's for dinner etc and try to see if he could make some small steps to include more in his life.

Because yes, if he moved out now with no social activities/hobbies and few friends then he's right, he probably would be lonely.

I would give him time and space to talk openly. On one hand I feel he maybe needs something to build his confidence in himself ,sometimes it just takes longer for some people. My son left at 25 things moved fast when he finished uni (he still lived at home at that time) got a foot on his chosen career ladder and found a boyfriend. He had goals that I wasnt aware of and worked his way through. Looking back I had been married and so many of my circle were at 24 with kids ..it doesnt seem to be like that anymore. I hope your son is ok and just taking the time to figure out himself and his options going forward in a safe,open ,comfortable enviroment. Its not easy with the added pressures these days that people of my generation didnt have.

Yes it's not the living at home with you that is the problem. It's the lack of living that's worrying you.

If he was busy with friends and plans and holidays etc you'd be ok. Housing is expensive and depending where you live it could be prohibitive trying to move out for the sake of it.

It sounds like he feels quite isolated from friends etc so has taken the staying in at home as the best option.

You just want him to live a fulfilling life rather than plod on like this forever. Not entirely sure how you can encourage this without making him feel like a complete failure. It's a difficult conversation for you to broach.

My DS who is 16 is a bit of a loner, which makes me sad, and I could see him staying at home, he has a brilliant relationship with his dad. My view is that he will be welcome here his whole life but I would prefer for him to move out and have a social life, a girlfriend etc. I can't make that happen though. At the end of the day, once he is happy I am happy.

He's got ADHD like myself and did struggle academically but he's not quiet or introverted I genuinely think he'd love a gf and some mates but he finds it hard.
He had one gf for about a year when he was around 20/21 but it was very on and off and eventually turned sour.

My son is 23 and lives at home and is welcome to a s long as he pleases . I would never pressure him to move out or try to make him more sociable just because that’s how I woukd like him to be !
everyone is different and maybe your son is content with his life as it is right now … you don’t have the right to tell him otherwise unless you are prepared to throw him out !

The waste of a life consept is interesting. If a person lives quite a small life but is content and living how they choose is that a waste.
I think wasted lives are people living in unhappy abusive relationships, or working at jobs they hate for years.
I too have an older child still at home, and we are all happy with the situation.

I think this is a fairly low bar.

I hear yoh op, it’s a failure to fledge effectively due to limited social life. No desire to spread his wings, he is still young though, very young, and I’m going to guess he is quite young for his age?

has he had a relationship? Either with a man or woman? As much as I’d let my kid live with me for longer, I’d want more for them than sitting in their room alone most of the time, and barely socialising aith limited drive.

I don’t know how you address it though, chucking him out isn’t the answer. What does he want from life, does he know?

He can't live at home forever though because I won't always be here and we rent through the council so he'll have to leave when I'm not here ready or not, I'd rather he was ready and had his own home, at the moment he's not even saving anything.

My DS lives at home. He's 35 this year. He did live/work abroad for a couple of years prior to Covid so he has lived independently.

He has ASD and while he does hold down a job, he has friends etc. He actually has zero interest in a relationship and he did struggle a bit when he did live alone. He has some coupled up friends but he also has friends like him, who live at home and aren't looking to find a partner. We live in London so it would be so expensive to move out and for what really? If some one doesn't want a relationship, kids etc. It's just society that says they should. Lots of cultures have inter-generational living. Financially it's a sound decision.

My DS pays rent, does his own cooking, washing etc. We live more like housemates now. If he moved out I would need to get a lodger for financial reasons so I'd rather live with my DS! Obviously if he wanted to move out I would 100% support his decision but I'm not going to force him out because society thinks I should.

That being said, I think the bigger issue is that your DS doesn't really have any friends and doesn't do anything socially. I'd be looking to help him change that rather than his accommodation status.

I don't think he sounds able to cope on his own and as others have said I'd be more concerned about his mental health.
You said his friends left him behind, maybe talk to him about trying to make more friends. My son lost his friendship group after college and it really got him down, he joined a running club and now has a really nice group of friends and a hobby, what is your son interested in?
Has he had relationships, or shown any interest in having one. Maybe sit down and talk to about how he's feeling in general and try and nudge him into making some changes.

For as long as they want.

I'm hopeful that they will make sensible choices and, unless career choices absolutely dictate where they live or they go travelling, they choose to stay at home for several years in their 20's at least.

That initial kick-start of a few years when you're earning decently but have next to zero expenses is a golden opportunity not granted to all. As is the security of knowing you'll always have a place to live, whatever happens.

Dh was kicked out at 16, I left home at 17 as my home environment was awful (tiny box room, overbearing parents who wanted details of my every move and chainsmoked indoors - which I detested as I always stank. I couldn't wait to get out). I'd barely closed the door behind me when my room was repurposed entirely so I had zero possibility of moving home.

Our dc will always have the opportunity of living with us whether they're 18 or 38. It's an opportunity that neither dh or I got and I'm passionate about our dc not experiencing what we did.

My friend passed away and her 35 year old daughter took over the tenancy on my friends council house, so who’s to say your son can’t do the same!

I’d not worry about the living at home (especially as a relatively young adult), but I’d worry that he’s not getting much social contact with other young adults.

It's not normal but I wouldn't be pressuring him to move out, instead I would be encouraging him to join an activity eg a sport, club, interest group to get him out into the world

Yep, I have an HA tenancy which will pass to my DS if he's living with me when I die. The rules I believe are they have to have lived with you in the preceding 12 months. They might make him downsize, that's another factor but you can inherit a tenancy.

That’s really tough, on the one hand he’s doing ok in that he’s holding down a job.

To answer your first question, I wouldn’t be asking him to move out necessarily. Unfortunately he’s never going to be able to afford to live alone on his wages so his options are a house share and then what has he really achieved as the situation just mirrors that as at home.

I think the bigger concern is his lack of social interaction or interests outside of the home.
Simply moving out won’t fix that it just won’t be so apparent to you anymore. I had a lodger in my 20’s that was so reclusive she only left her room whilst I was out and would do her washing up in the bathroom sink to avoid me. I am aware she had depressive episodes and assume there was other MH concerns I wasn’t privy too. I felt quite responsible but powerless to do anything and I wonder if her family (who she saw once every fortnight or so) were missing an opportunity or help in her living away. I don’t think she ate properly etc.

Id question his motives and ask what he wants from life. Keep it open ended.

My mum always said 24 and out the door.

It sounds like he’s in a rut and needs to get out of his comfort zone. Moving into a flatshare would be hard at first but could enable him to meet some other people his age.

If you're happy for him to stay then I think it's OK. My uncle ended up never moving out of my gran's house (single mum). He looked after her brilliantly for her last 10 years when she was really struggling physically. He also did all the DIY for her. She passed on 10 years ago now and he inherited the house and still lives there. He's just very happy with a simple life - work, pub once a month with friends, and seeing us (family) 4-5 times per year.

That make me smile! I trained in a professional job so spent 6 years in HE and on the job training (which was poorly paid) I stayed at home for a lot of it and moved out for good at 25 when I bought my own home. So late by your mums standards.

i think a huge issue is clearly the cost of housing.

I should add, he always seems happy when we speak to him - talks fondly about his job (works in retail, on the till) and about the various sports teams he follows. He chats on the phone to my mum every week and they go on the occasional day out to a new city or town. (he lives a couple of hours away from us).

OP does your DS have any siblings?

You could drop into conversation that you are expecting him to care for you both in your old age...... that might get him thinking. 😉