How long would you let your child live at home?

[enchantedbymoonlight]

Ds is 24 and apart from school wasn't interested in further education, he got a minimum wage job as a delivery driver for a furniture shop and has done this for the last 6 years.
He has no plans to move out and is quite comfortable at home, he pays £100 a week, works long hours and apart from work he never leaves the house, he doesn't sit with us in the evening so chooses to stay up in his tiny box bedroom.
I'm not sure it's doing him any good in the long run to just settle here at 24, I think he'd happily stay forever.
I know it's not easy for them but I thought he'd at least have a life plan, he seems happy drifting through life.
We've encouraged him to go to college but he's content in his job.
It's not that he's not welcome at home, I just feel he needs to have something to work towards in life.
Aibu to set him a time limit on how long he stay put so that he stands on is own feet eventually or just let him stay until he's ready to move on (if ever)
He's no bother at home, we're thinking of his own happiness.

My children can stay at home for as long as they like but there will be a notional rent to cover bills.

He will always have a home here - as my parents were with me. I returned home a couple of times after relationship break ups and the like. They now live with me as they are old and not in great health.

Full circle

These days 24 is still quite young to have left home, property prices compared to wages are very different, particularly if you are in the SE.

I'd try and encourage him to join a club somewhere or message his old friends. If he's happy as he is then fine, but it doesn't sound like he is really.

My friend was worried about her son, he was older, late 20s, went to work, then came home and gamed, that was it. Never went out. Then he suddenly announced he was going on a date with a girl at work .... they moved in together within a few months and now have three children! Very happy and she's over the moon.

My DDs have moved out but I've told both of them there's always a home here for them if things don't work out.

I'm so surprised at all the people who would seemingly be happy for their children to live with them forever, don't people want more for their children? To be adult, to be independent, to make their own choices, even if they live a small life at least it would be the way they want to do it, not their parents' way. Surely there must be some cut-off point( with normal children, no disability etc)? Interestingly most of these long term children seem to be male.
I know of one person who stayed living at home. His siblings all went to university and therefore left home the easy way with vacations at home and term time away, then fully away after graduation. He didn't go to university, worked in a reasonable job, lived with his parents, carried on living with his mother after his father died, and then became his mother's carer after she became ill and disabled. They go everywhere together, almost like a couple. He's now in his 60s, never married, rarely a girlfriend in his whole life, and now a full time carer to his mother. I think it's a total waste of his life, his parents allowed this to happen and should have made him leave at a much younger age.

If he's a decent sort and well behaved, I'd have no issue with him staying put as the alternative would be him paying off some landlord's buy to let mortgage while having no chance of buying himself. At least he can save a few bob living at home.

The reality of 'standing on your own two feet' for millions of young Britons these days is akin to living like their Victorian ancestors did. Back then most people were trapped in poverty for life and the same applies for an increasing number today.

Why is that a waste of a life, it's just a different life to what you would want.

A relative has their son still living at home at age 50. He has his meals cooked and laundry done. His parents are getting older and suffering some ill health, but he doesn’t help them. He’s had an easy life so why move out? But he is going to have a huge shock when anything happens to his parents. He also has siblings so won’t be able to stay in the family home after his parents have died.

@enchantedbymoonlight don’t know whether I have missed it but does he do chores, but his own food, cook meals for everyone?

Would he be able to afford to leave home?

I have no idea how a lot of young people will manage to nowadays. But especially single people on a lower wage. What options do they actually have? Just house shares probably?

My eldest went to uni and never came home! I wasn't expecting that but she'd built a life in London and that's where she wanted to stay. Had she come home, she would of course have been welcome and she'll always have a bed! I can't see my youngest leaving home for a long time. He's only 13 now but ND and needs a lot of care.

My friend was asked to leave by her parents because they wanted to retire and relocate. I think they felt that by 25 she needed to stand on her own two feet so they helped her buy a little flat. She admits she would never have left home otherwise. She remains very close to her parents and stays with them often. I agree that it's good to encourage them to stand on their own two feet although I appreciate that is easier said than done these days.

Judging by the amount of HMO's in my little town, I think that is the only option for a lot of young people these days.

I have a DS at home aged 30. He's happy with the arrangement and so am I.
He is saving hard and realises to buy a property on his own he will need to put down a 50% deposit. He is well on his way to that.

He pays £180 per month. I cook and do his laundry but he is happy to do anything I ask of him. He has a good sized room with an en-suite.

At times I think 'Why would he move?'
But on the other hand I know he has a goal.

Ok the fact he’s spending his money on clothes and a car as a relatively low earner would concern me, he will be buying this stuff to make him happy, give an image off, that is not the reality.

i think a lot of people are kindly answering as parents.as that’s rhe question you asked,but his relationships should be wider than that, and he needs to learn to live independently. And all that entails. For his sake.

24 is still fine to be at home, I’d not bat an eyelid on that, once they hit about 30 though,I would. But his lack of drive, focus on Image, no friends, relatively dead end low income job, seeing you as his best friend, is a concern, as as he ages, many women would be put ofd by a man who never left home. But he might surprise you yet op.

My DS is not so bad has a social life and another one with the rugby club, but likes his creature comforts, access to Ringo, we pay for his MOT, road tax, he is an only child so it is our way of helping him out whilst we are still here.

In the next few years our investments will mature and the 25% cash free lump sum is earmarked for him to get on the property ladder, but only if he matches it £ for £ via his Lisa.

He has also been told that if he fails to do this, he will save us a fortune on carers, including personal, that soon fixed any notions he may have had.😂

@user1497787065 why do you do the all the cooking and laundry?

@enchantedbymoonlight I have exactly the same concerns about my DC Eldest (28) is in the forces, doing a very easy job on a UK base, no ambition to try anything else that's available as it means working harder. No friendship circle or social activities, just online gaming with his best/only friend night after night. Has always been a source of intense worry as he doesn't have any ambition and has only ever done as much as he needed to to get by. Never had a girlfriend

Middle son (26) lots of plans, moved out and back several times but currently away again, living alone, WFH and no real friendship circle but is at least trying very hard to develop one. Not had a girlfriend for 3 years

Youngest (24) moved away to college at 16 and is fiercely independent - doesn't do social stuff but works with lots of people and part of a high level sports team. Long term boyfriend.

They are all different in their own little ways but I think todays young people have so many more options than we did that growing up has become even harder and more scary/confusing.

Really difficult. Not everyone is ambitious or outgoing. Not everyone is able to get a high paid job.

I think that he should be saving up. I wouldn't want my child moving out into a HMO. But I wouldn't want them staying forever never having tried living on their own or meeting someone.

Has he ever had a girlfriend op? I think that all you can do is talk to him and strongly encourage him to save up but also try think about college and maybe trying a hobby.

He's still very young if he gets saving up there's a lot he can do.

My friend who is 50 now never moved out of his mums. He will never move out now. His mum made it difficult for him to move out and he feels he can’t leave her now. He never really launched as an adult or had a serious relationship. So sad as he is a lovely guy.
you need to encourage him to move out and live an independent life as an adult. Being on his own may motivate him to make plans.

Exactly . People can live the living fe they want to, as long as they are content with it. It really is not essential to have wild experiences, to achieve financial success or to travel to have a good life. In fact sometimes those things are distractions and used as substitutes for a good and fulfilling life ( though if course not always)
What is important though are at least a few good long term relationships or at least some feeling of connection to your life via friends and family . Maybe all he needs is a hobby that get him out locally to meet people and to have something in his life outside of work and his immediate family

If an adult child lives at home and pretty much relies on their parent for company/social life, what will happen to them when the parent is no longer around.

My DS is 24 and lives at home. He can stay as long as he wants. He has Aspergers and sounds like your DS except he went to uni.

Maybe ask him where he wants to be in 10 or 20 years time. How he sees his future. If he sees himself at home and is happy with that, that's one thing, but if he doesn't, if he wants something else, then he probably needs to start taking steps.

There are a couple of sons in our extended family who never left home. One looked after his mum till she died in very old age and now lives alone in a house his siblings sorted for him and seems happy when we see him. Another is still at home in his 40s. But I think they and their parents were happy with that, so all good.

Yes the wasted life concept is a funny one isn't it.

I know all sorts of people, I can think of a few adult men and women who have stayed with their parents, some have never left and are in their 30. 40s and 50s, some saved for deposits and left eventually. Some left home but never met anyone or had children or travelled or had exciting careers. Their parents are still their only friends.

Some left but have now divorced and gone full circle and ended up on their arses after tough divorces.

There is a certain idea of what success is, life can be really tough.

Selfishly? Forever! Same age DS is the perfect house share companion. We are great friends, work as a team and thoroughly enjoy each others company. He is independent in that he comes and goes as he pleases and his girlfriend stays whenever that suits them both. The house is big enough that we have privacy, our own bathrooms and offices and separate sitting rooms if we choose, and he contributes to bills. He works hard in a good job and it pleases me that by living here he is able to both save and spend while he's young enough to make the most if it. However, I want him to do what he wants to do, and I know that will involve a house of his own in due course, and i will be excited for him when the time comes. But meanwhile, I'm in no rush.

There are adults who have moved out who still only have their parents as friends.