How long would you let your child live at home?

[enchantedbymoonlight]

Ds is 24 and apart from school wasn't interested in further education, he got a minimum wage job as a delivery driver for a furniture shop and has done this for the last 6 years.
He has no plans to move out and is quite comfortable at home, he pays £100 a week, works long hours and apart from work he never leaves the house, he doesn't sit with us in the evening so chooses to stay up in his tiny box bedroom.
I'm not sure it's doing him any good in the long run to just settle here at 24, I think he'd happily stay forever.
I know it's not easy for them but I thought he'd at least have a life plan, he seems happy drifting through life.
We've encouraged him to go to college but he's content in his job.
It's not that he's not welcome at home, I just feel he needs to have something to work towards in life.
Aibu to set him a time limit on how long he stay put so that he stands on is own feet eventually or just let him stay until he's ready to move on (if ever)
He's no bother at home, we're thinking of his own happiness.

So I've 4 DC
Two have left home ,got their own place
Two have diagnosis of autism,same as me ,
and they are just like you describe your son.. lovely young men ,but no life other than a few hours at college on an adult course ,and coffee out with me ,or solitary walking up hills with dad.
They are happy ,your son is happy at home ..he's not stupid he will know he can't live with you forever,but if he's happy at home ,and your happy to have him ,I don't see a problem..life is tough ,maybe this is all he can cope with ...do you really want to rock the boat to find out if he can cope with more ?

Sometimes people are just not able.

There are sometimes diagnosis involved as you say.
In my opinion a life well lived, is not wasted at all.

Kids can lead their own lives whilst living at home.

Sadly it's not always achievable to have someone living independently, especially if they're single and earning one wage.

Unless you pop out children and then end up a single parent you're in a better situation than someone who works full time and is single.

It’s not the living at home that would ‘concern’ me, it’s his current life - he doesn’t have one.

Hi, I still think you need to have a nice, long, rambling conversation with him. Perhaps if he gats all togged up to have a coffee with you, you could turn that into a ramble of sorts, where you end up somewhere with chi-chi fashionable restaurants which you can gaze at and say you're actually really hungry now, so you have a coffee together, followed by a longish walk, followed by a supper with different surroundings and people. Play people watching where you guess what they do and what they're like etc.

At some point he can graduate to accompanying you to do something else like see a show etc.

Btw, my best friend stayed at home with her mum until her mum died. She herself was in her 40s, worked, paid rent and bills etc. She also looked after her mum beautifully as she became more and more debilitated by alzheimer's, which allowed my friend's sister to do all the adventurous stuff. Did myfriend feel jealous of the amazing opportunites her little sister had. Absolutely not. She had the life she wanted, and relished it.

Is there anything you could suggest doing as a joint activity that might give him the opportunity to expand his friendship group? Something like badminton or archery where you can join a club and get to know others. Archery is good because it attracts a massive range of ages and it definitely wouldn't seem odd that a parent and (adult) child are doing it together.

There is nothing really wrong with this. Similarly, some people live in the same village where they were born their whole lives.

"I remember when you were in 6th form and I didn't really know what you wanted to do, maybe I was a bit fixated on you going to Uni or something. I do remember when you were about 7 you wanted to be either an astronaut or a cowboy! but I think you'd put those dreams aside by the time you'd finished Primary. I'm not sure what replaced them though. When your friends in 6th Form said what their plans were, for all I know you could have said you wanted to be accountant........."

He may be a budding writer and that's what he's doing up there.

TBH I rather regret leaving home! My family house was so nice and dd would have loved it. My mum would have been comfortably housed there too. In fact we do have a house which dd loved growing up in, and which did comfortably house my mum as well. But I do wish a little bit that we'd not left the area I grew up in.

I'd ignore the living at home for now (no, I don't want my children living at home forever - for their sakes - but I don't see 24 as that old tbh). I think right now you need to encourage him to expand his life beyond work and his bedroom. There must be clubs, meet-ups, something that he could give a try? Even if his dad went along with him at the beginning. Even an adult education class on something would help or joining a gym. I'd focus on that and worry about the moving out later.

I have a 23 year old who still lives at home - but only for the past year when returned from university - and is planning a move. She is the kind of kid who could easily embrace a life like your son has - I think going away for college and seeing her siblings be more extravert has helped motivate her.

Does he have brothers or sisters who could encourage him to develop a bit of a social life?

Mine will love with me for as long as they like and if they move out and something disastrous happens then they will always be welcome back.
I’d never pressurise my children to leave.
I did leave home and buy a house fairly young (20) but my sister stayed until she was 28…. After my marriage broke down I went back home for a bit.
We each find our own way, if he wants to spread his wings he will.

Live not love … stupid predictive text ffs 🤦‍♀️ 😂

Mine can stay as long as they like, but I don't expect to be excessively parenting and cleaning up after them in their 20s. It becomes gradually more of a house share arrangement.

My eldest dd is away at uni but will be home next year. She will be 21 and has ASD/ADHD and so far hasn’t been able to get a job so I’m unsure how she’s going to be able to financially support herself after uni. She wants to stay in the city she’s studying in but seem oblivious to the fact she would need a good wage to fund it. I don’t want her living at home forever. Dd2 is 18 and more severely autistic and will need 24 hour care for the rest of her life, i am in talks with adult services to find her a residential setting in the next year or so.

I think it is more common for young people with ADHD or ASD to be living at home longer. I would try and encourage him to get out more and meet people as I think the only way he’s likely to move out is if he finds a partner 😬.

I wouldnt focus on the moving out just yet, more on the getting out there a little bit more. Moving out will hopefully happen after that

Not surprised he has adhd, probably autistic too by the sounds.

I struggled back and forth until I married really.

My son has the same diagnosis and I am prepared for age 30 because usually you find they are very immature and the coping skills for a lot of adult life aren’t there until that point.

In saying this I would not abide complacency and would enforce the ground rule that there has to be a ‘life plan’ for attainment, career progression, good job, house, pension, independence down the road.

For your son you need to work with him to help him see the bigger picture and give him the scaffolding to work upon, he really isn’t going to do this for himself because it is out of his comfort zone and he will be just about clinging on in a fixed routine.

Treat him like an 18 year old who needs direction and say he needs to change and have long term goals to work towards.

If he's told you he'd be lonely living alone and reaches out to friends but only rarely gets to go out it would be better if you went out with him somewhere. Eg cinema, for a meal or even a coffee out. Encourage him to join an evening class where he could make a few friends. My son went to a basic plumbing class and most of them went for a drink after the class or occasionally a curry. Could you suggest he tries plenty of fish for dating? So many women would want a nice man who works hard and is not controlling or arrogant. It sounds like he just lacks a bit of confidence. Could he join a sports session? You don't have to be good at sports. I know 2 men who both joined a badminton club. Both are crap at Badminton but it's got them out of the house, given them someone new to talk to and makes a change from sitting in their room a lot. I wouldn't ask him to leave home whilst h has no friends and has explicitly told you he'd feel lonely. I would be making sure he was cooking sometimes, putting shopping away, recycling and other jobs around the house.

My ds is 26 and still at home

Doesn't have a steady girlfriend

It's very difficult

He is saving though

DC can live with us and save on rent till they can afford a mortgage. We live in London so they can just commute to work.

No need paying someone else's mortgage for them.

But sometimes people are more able than they think.

I know a young man who has notable physical disabilities, autism and ADHD. His life has not been easy at all. He struggled academically and socially. But he has a real zest for life. He's the kind of person who, if he was still at home at 30, people could say, 'well it's understandable, given his diagnoses.' But he got out there, got a degree, has a full time minimum wage job, and a small PT business of his own that tops up his low wage. He has a girlfriend and some lovely hobbies. He goes on holiday with mates and with his partner. Whenever I hear about him, he's always up to something fun. Honestly, would people not prefer their young adult children to be exploring life, having fun, meeting new people, expanding their world?

Both my children left home at 18 so it's not something I have had to deal with. However I think I would be expecting him to pay his fair share of costs, and doing his fair share of things around the house, exactly as if he was living in a house share. So if there are 3 of you in the house, 1/3 of mortgage/rent, council tax, electricity/gas, water rates, food (unless he buys and cooks his own). He should be doing his own laundry or sharing laundry duties. Cleaning his own room and sharing cleaning of communal parts of the house. Etc. Etc. Etc.
that will give him a decent grounding in what he will need to do if and when he does move out. It's not being unkind, it's about teaching him how to survive away from home, so that he can choose to make an informed decision whether to stay at home or to fly the nest. Financially, you can either put the money away for him, or you may need it to run your own home.

Unless you actually want him to leave home just leave it at that. Eventually he will leave, or not, but at least you will know that he will be able to manage when he does. And some people just don't want very much from life - if he is happy not doing very much then that is just the way he is. I am happy not doing very much as well.

Nope. I am not doing that. I have plenty of friends thank you. I certainly wouldn't try and push them into living with me or even hint that it was what I wanted. I'd be delighted if they were able to strike out on their own and live independently. It's what we all hope for. Their own family.
I definitely would never keep demanding to see them or keep dropping in on them. I'm not like that.
However if at any time they decided it made sense financially or otherwise to live here, then they'd always be welcome.

As a mum of two slightly younger children I’d be more concerned that all your DS is doing is working and coming home. No social life/romance/outside interests?
it wouldn’t bother me if DCs lived at home after uni for a bit, but I’d like them to have a full life - they’ve both suffered w their mental health and when they’re not good they go into themselves so it’s never a good sign when they’re in their rooms a lot.
Our nephew is pushing 28 and still at home, he’s on to a good thing but should really not be there any more! I moved out at 23 but could’ve stayed a bit longer (moved in w DH who was just boyf then), but was also ready (had been to uni).
In general I’d say up to 25 was reasonable in ‘normal’ circumstances.

If you've met one person with autism then you've met one person with autism.

I'm really pleased for this guy however it doesn't mean that others with a similar type of diagnosis aren't pushing themselves enough or aren't being pushed enough. Some will simply be due to personality but it makes me sad that DS misses out on things because he just cannot take some of these steps despite really wanting to. It's not just sometimes difficult, sometimes it feels impossible.