How long would you let your child live at home?

[enchantedbymoonlight]

Ds is 24 and apart from school wasn't interested in further education, he got a minimum wage job as a delivery driver for a furniture shop and has done this for the last 6 years.
He has no plans to move out and is quite comfortable at home, he pays £100 a week, works long hours and apart from work he never leaves the house, he doesn't sit with us in the evening so chooses to stay up in his tiny box bedroom.
I'm not sure it's doing him any good in the long run to just settle here at 24, I think he'd happily stay forever.
I know it's not easy for them but I thought he'd at least have a life plan, he seems happy drifting through life.
We've encouraged him to go to college but he's content in his job.
It's not that he's not welcome at home, I just feel he needs to have something to work towards in life.
Aibu to set him a time limit on how long he stay put so that he stands on is own feet eventually or just let him stay until he's ready to move on (if ever)
He's no bother at home, we're thinking of his own happiness.

@Emmaanddan same question, what happens when their parents die?

My children can live with me forever if that's what they need to do.

I think we will need to return to multigenerational living given the housing crisis and difficulties with care.

It's a new idea that young people should live 'independently' - throughout most of history we have lived in groups - living alone would have been seen as a strange thing to do - like hermits or witches.

I didn't leave home until I met exh when I was 35, exh was still living at home at 40. I bought a house within months of meeting him & we lived together until we got married a year later.

My DS moved back home after Uni. It was never his plan to stay here longterm - he applied for jobs in his Uni city as well as around here, but he just happened to get offered one locally. He also spends most of his time in his room - he even WFH now so rarely even goes out in the daytime! He still meets up with old Uni friends from time to time but had lost touch with his old school friends - although a couple of them are still around here.
He's just started a new hobby so does at least go out one evening a week.
He is saving up to buy a house but on one salary, even in this relatively cheap area, it will be difficult. He has had a longterm GF in the past but says he's not looking for anyone whilst he's still living at home! (We're not that embarrassing really!) So he does at least have an ambition to move out at some point. But he does seem to prefer his own company - although if we invite him out with us he usually comes.
I think the high cost of rent/purchase has very much changed the landscape for our youngsters and there will be plenty of young adults living like this, sadly.

@crumblingschools well yes, I know quite a few people in this situation and I do wonder, but I suppose they will just have to get on with it.

It does seem to be a shame

Some great data here showing how increasingly common this is.

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/populationandmigration/populationestimates/articles/moreadultslivingwiththeirparents/2023-05-10

It’s not so bad living at home, if everyone is happy with that and the adult child acts like an adult, so does chores etc. but to not have a life outside of the home is an issue. Doesn’t have to be a hectic social life but some other interest/friends. Same for couples

It is a lot easier to make friends in your 20s, when most people are single than it is in your 40s 50s 60s. By that time your contemporaries have got their own young families, then later have got their own coupled-up friendship groups of maybe 40 years standing and don't want single lone wolves breaking in.

For his own sake in the future, he needs to be making his social life now as it will be so much harder as it gets older and he can't rely on his parents always being there.

It's tough to get out there and make the effort if you're not a natural extrovert, but OP, I'd really encourage you to push him to do, it's almost like being cruel to be kind.

I am horrified by some comments on here. Why is having a stable full time job and not pissing up in a pub every night is seen as "wasting a life"? This is a very thinly veiled snobbism, if I ever saw one.
Not everyone is destined to become a banker or an astrophysicist, someone also needs to deliver things, work in shops etc. I imagine he will move on when he meets someone and there will be a genuine need for a private space. As long as he pays his contribution, I see no issue. We had 3 generations of family living under the same roof for most of my childhood, it was totally normal.

Living alone may be strange, but young people in the UK have historically left home. They went as live in apprentices, servants, to get married etc. A young woman under pressure to remain and look after her parents as they aged was often pitied. What has never been usual is for children to live at home forever with no other life other than being with their parents.

You don't say whether he helps around the house, cooking, cleaning, laundry, DIY, bins etc. Nor do you say whether £100 genuinely covers 50% of your outgoings. I bet the division of cost and labour are not equal. But they should be.

Years ago I heard that to get your adult children to 'launch' (ie to become an independent adult) you need to massively decrease comfort at home. Not make it unloving or unpleasant but just don't make it easier for them than it is for you! Don't cosset them.

I'd start by doing the maths on what it costs you to keep him in this semi- hibernation state and up his expenses so he's paying his full share, including rates, council tax, home maintenance eg new white goods and boiler etc. Not to be mean, but to treat him like an adult, since he is one.

I'd do the same on hours spent on housekeeping. Split them 50/50 at all times. Apart from anything else, the cooking and cleaning will get him out of his room. Again, not to be mean, just tell him he's not a teen any more and he needs adult life skills and to share adult responsibilities, otherwise you feel you're letting him down by treating him like a big child who is incapable of running a home, when he's perfectly capable of adulthood.

Could you spark some chat with him about what a full life is. It's pretty common knowledge that happiness stems from feeling you belong, from enjoying and contributing to the world, from taking healthy risks and growing, from taking action towards dreams or goals. . Maybe both make up fun lists of three good risks you dare the other one to take - like going to a gig on your own, joining a fitness group or sports club, signing up to volunteer for some charity or political or eco group you believe in.

He may say he's tired, but ask him if he really wants to be delivering furniture and sitting in a tiny room until he dies. If not, he needs to get out in the world. Fitness training will give him energy, volunteering will give him self worth. Then he can start dating and he'll have more life experiences to talk about.

There seems to be an aversion to it that I can't get my head round. When my adult child, partner and grandchildren lived here for 2 years, it was great. They moved out for more space, but we often discuss all selling up and finding somewhere to live as an extended family. If you all love, like and respect each other, can adapt to a new dynamic of equality between adults rather than remaining stuck in parent/child mode, it's a hugely cost effective, supportive and enjoyable way to live. If you can't, I can see you'd struggle. But those people happily making it work are not all weird clingy parents who's children have arrested development.

I agree that it's not necessarily a bad arrangement but it does seem like a pretty dull one. And is £100pw really paying his way? £400pm doesn't begin to cover housing, utilities, insurance, council tax, maintenance, food, wifi etc.

We are all different, good on him working and paying his way much better than not and if he is happy I don't see the problem. Me and my 4 siblings were all home till early 30s we are all now married,homes, families of our own 10 years later but until then 2 of us were happy bunnies own company doing our work then home not bothering anyone,giving parents weekly money towards expenses while the others were all social big groups of friends out most nights after work.So all different and all turned out happy 😊

I think I'd want them to be contributing in an adult way though - having their own chores, cooking for the family sometimes.

I think that is a world apart from the issue OP has. She says there's no problem with him living with her. But he hasn't launched as an adult. Hasn't committed to learning how to thrive in the world, to pay his way - the real cost of living, to risk asking girls out and being turned down - all the things that make life worth living are hard to find behind the comfort of your bedroom door in your mum's house. If he had outside interests, a partner, paid his way but lived with her to keep costs down, I bet she wouldn't have posted.

I can totally understand your concerns but to be honest, I wish that I had felt like I could live with my parents when I was that age. We didn’t get along though and so I felt like I had to move out and rent, etc. It led to me constantly moving around, because I was always moving for jobs and trying to save money for a house and for all my bills and school loans. i’m not sure that having bigger and better dreams leads to any sort of happiness these days. You say that he doesn’t have any interest in college and who can blame him? All that leads to us a lot of debt with no guarantee of a better job, but certainly a lot of stress when you try to repay loans, I wish sometimes that I have been content to have a smaller life and not been influenced by the idea that having more is always better.

Yes, agreed. I was just picking up on pp point about multi generational living in general. Going a bit off piste because it's an interesting issue. Because I think there is a general trend on MN to favour independent over communal living regardless of the circumstances, as its seen as the 'healthy' way.

Some of the unhappiest young people I've met, particularly men, are those that never really left home or stretched themselves.

Suddenly they were 30, still earning minimum wage, supported by parents (particularly mum) while their peers were in long term relationships, had started families, had got on the housing ladder and were beginning to climb the career ladder.

With my own kids I've always set the expectation that at 18/end high school they would move out (with financial help during studies or apprenticeship) and start living independently.

I think the main worry for his future would be continuity of housing if he wouldn't be able to stay in the council tenancy. I would encourage him to save money so that he can have options for his housing later on, e.g. a rental deposit.

Other than that, there is nothing wrong with living at home and having a quiet life and a useful blue-collar job. There is not just one way of being an adult. Some people don't enjoy travelling or going out. I'm originally from a different culture where living with your parents until you get married (if ever) is very common, but I also know a lot of born-and-raised Brits who live like this.

I think it's worth questioning: where do we get the idea that the correct, properly mature adult life is to leave home at a certain age to spend money with strangers, and consume as much as possible? Could it be industrial/capitalist propaganda by any chance? Who profits from this the most?

I'm not even saying multigenerational households are heaven. In fact they can be hell for many people, especially in abusive situations, and there is always a price to pay for family support (usually you have to also give them some control over your life decisions). But why is "independence" seen as the only healthy way in over-monetised Western societies, and is it true independence? Why does everything in life need to be a financial transaction?

I think there is something in this, my friends brother never left home. And his parents passed away, he is still living there, with all their stuff and has no social life or job. It’s really very sad, however all his siblings launched.

i don’t agree with the pp that to make a kid launch you need to make it uncomfortable at home. That’s bullshit. Most kids launch and it’s not because it’s uncomfortable at home. It’s a desire for independence amongst many other things.

this lad isn’t going to move out as she stops doing chores, he will just be miserable.

I think this is an interesting debate.

In your OP you mentioned that he has never really had any interest in further education. I don't think this necessarily explains why he is still at home - I am late 20's, have a 'hard science' degree, 'career' type job, and still couldn't have hoped to afford my own place had life not handed me the lovely gift of my single parent becoming terminally ill (sarcasm - I would've swapped inheritance for parent alive, in a heartbeat).

My point being a degree doesn't guarantee what it used to, and at the end of the day not everyone wants to be academic or have a stressful/'serious' job.

I would've stayed living with my parent for years to come, as long as they were ok with it, and the reason is that things are so much more difficult these days than they were years ago - especially when you are single.
Living alone would've come at the cost of very high rent - I could've had a nice apartment to sit in all the time, because I would've never had any money to go out and actually live my life.

I will say that I have always paid my way, bought and cooked food, cleaned after myself, saved with the intention of moving out etc.

If I were you I'd put it to him like this - I know you may be content here now, but one day you will likely want to move out. You may find a partner and be expected to contribute half of a house deposit, or equally be nearing 30 and sick of living with your parents. So start saving, because otherwise you may find yourself in a position where you desperately want your own space, but don't have the funds

My daughter left home at 24-she returned after uni and lived with us for a couple of years before moving to a nearby large city. I liked her living at home and miss her. However, while she was living at home, she had a full life outside-I would’ve been worried if she just worked, came home, watched tv and went to bed ad infinitum. I would be concerned if this were my son-no friends, no partner, content to work and go to bed. I would be encouraging him to be more independent and to thrive a little more. I’d be concerned at any young adult who has no interest in the slightest challenge or the idea of stretching themselves a little-especially if all facilitated by living off mum and dad. Could you talk to him and see what his long term goals are-or if he has none, to try to get him to think about how he would like his life to be?

Just saying - some people aren't 'normal' and never will be.

Not everyone gets married and has 2 kids or excels at a great career.

There's a lot of grey area imbetween.

She can tell him the 'home truths' if you like, and it might help and then again, it might not. It might make him feel like shit.

Maybe the OP needs to build up his confidence and encourage him rather than criticising how he's doing now.