To think that first marriages are mostly a disaster.

[IneffableCuriosity]

Obviously not in every case.

Bear with me…

I have noticed a pattern emerging in friends of mine, colleagues, close friends, family members and old friends from uni who all seem to end up in terrible first marriages to deadbeat men(or women!) who do the bare minimum, partners who cheat, are physically or verbally abusive or partners who are generally mismatched and the relationship was doomed to fail.

The colleagues/friends who were originally in terrible relationships seem to go on to meet someone lovely who pulls their weight and the relationship is healthy, stable and loving. They are generally much older and more mature and have grown as people and learned from past mistakes.

I understand that this is not always the case. Some are lucky enough to have wonderful first marriages. Some can obviously go into yet another dreadful relationship after the first one.

AIBU in thinking it is common among (mainly women) to sleepwalk into a first marriage/long term relationship with DCs?

Wtf, why would someone have a second marriage if there first was great 🤔

Well I wouldn't say mostly! Some maybe

No, I mean the ones that had a terrible first marriage. Not the ones that are lucky enough to end up in a wonderful marriage.

I think this quite possibly has a lot to do with age at first marriage. A lot of my friends from school all married quite young (late teens/early 20s). They are, as far as I can think, all divorced now and many on marriage #2 or 3 now in early 40s.

But friends I met later in life (postgraduate programme/work/travelling) all of us didn't marry until more early to mid 30s. Generally speaking, they are all still (seemingly) happily married in their first marriages. Myself included.

I was briefly engaged when I was 20 and if I had gone on to marry that loser I would have been one of those with a bad first marriage too. Not to say that everyone who marries young is sealing their fate, but lots of us (myself included) didn't have the sense of self and maturity to have higher standards when we were younger. When you get older, you are more likely (but not always!) to know what's important to you and you are more confident setting healthy boundaries.

YANBU.

Every single one of my peers who got married by their 30s are already on their divorces.

I'm 34.

We do alot more personal development now into our 30s and 40s and it's only natural that we might not grow with the person we married.

Second marriages do tend to be alot more mature and respectful.

Personally, I've never married, but had a long term relationship that ended a few years ago. Had we married it would have ended in divorce. I'm now dating and I've noticed that the divorce 30 something year old men have alot more wisdom than those permanent bachelors.

I'm pretty sure that, statistically, first marriages are more likely to last. Of course that doesn't mean they're happy (plenty of people around in unhappy but lasting marriages) but I would have thought it would imply they're more likely to be happy?

Absolutely not in my experience.

There's no universal truth, of course.

For me, yeah... I made a hell of a mistake with my first two DC's dad. He then passed away anyway.

My marriage now (I was 36 when we married) is a million times better.

I do notice a lot of my friends who married or started their current relationships young seem to be quite unhappy and putting up with things. The way they talk about their spouses is so different to how I feel about mine.

But of course there must also be people who married young and are really happy.

Divorce rate is higher in second marriages. I think your particular experience in your circle is interesting but not remotely to be extrapolated as a general rule.

Maybe because most people talk smack about their exes but think their current partner is wonderful otherwise they wouldn’t be married to them. There was probably a great length of time in the first miserable marriage that they told everyone they were happy and partner was great.

Well, yes but I think the PP's point is that there is a huge selection bias. People leave first marriage when the marriage isn't working so if you take this sample of population, it may seem as though first marriages are universally bad. But is is just as likely that if you look at population as a whole and include people who remained married to their first spouse, you might find that the chances of ending up with a deadbeat spouse is as great as ending up with a good one.

Do you mean in the cases that first marriages fail they have been a disaster?

Well… yeah.

Otherwise they wouldn’t have failed.

Well, what are the stats?

PPs are correct, the stats are that second marriages are more likely to end in divorce. This is presumably because only people who believe divorce is an option (e.g. no religious objection) can have a second marriage unless their first spouse died.

Met my DH at 23 , married at 26 and been married 28 years this year. So happy together. He's a keeper for sure!

Well I don't think you can generalise based on your own anecdotal experience, s
And what do you call a disaster anyway ?
My sister got divorced about five years ago but she was with her ex husband over 20 years ,for a long time they were happy enough but gradually realised they had less and less in common and the marriage eventually broke down ,neither are terrible people they just fell out of love.

Yes that is true, mostly the bad stuff comes out after the split but I have noticed that a lot of individuals who marry young end up in dodgy situations who then go onto grow and mature post ex. They have higher standards and generally end up in respectful, grown up relationships which seem to be worlds away from the first ones.

Not according to this research

marriagefoundation.org.uk/research/second-marriages-are-less-likely-to-end-in-divorce-than-first/

So you notice that people you know mature over time and bad marriages don’t last forever.
Nuggets of pure gold.

I'm not sure how useful divorce stats are these days - given the declining marriage rate. There are no stats on how long people stay in a partnersship, and whether it is their first or 6th.

IME with my friends there have been very few divorces/breakups. Most of us are heading for 20-30 year marriages/partnerships. The one person who I know married quite young (21) has had 2 divorces and is on her third partner at just over 50.

Not really my experience, based on the people that I know. Do you know a lot of people who married very young, OP?

I actually don't know many people who have divorced. When I think of the weddings I attended in my 20s, colleagues of DH and I, our families, most people are still in the first marriages and for the most part seem happy from what I can see! I certainly am.

We're also quite unusual in that many of those people married young too, mid 20s on average, we were younger. We are mid 30s now. Perhaps we are still relatively young though, when I think back to my childhood, most divorces seemed to occur in the secondary school years and beyond.

this 100%

later marriages are usually more considered. You walk into it with eyes open, you are older, have seen shitty behaviour from other people and are less tolerant of it in a partner, so you have higher standards.
People I know who got married at 30 ish are all still together, whether first or second marriages.

I was also in a serious relationship at 21 and I am so glad it finished.
Met dh age 30 and we're still here 25 years later

Got married at 25. Turned 50 last year, still happily on my first marriage 😂

Well of course their second marriage is happier if the first one didn’t work out!!!! I know a few people separated or divorced but more happily married with the normal ups and downs life bangs you over the head with (money, health etc)