To think that first marriages are mostly a disaster.

[IneffableCuriosity]

Obviously not in every case.

Bear with me…

I have noticed a pattern emerging in friends of mine, colleagues, close friends, family members and old friends from uni who all seem to end up in terrible first marriages to deadbeat men(or women!) who do the bare minimum, partners who cheat, are physically or verbally abusive or partners who are generally mismatched and the relationship was doomed to fail.

The colleagues/friends who were originally in terrible relationships seem to go on to meet someone lovely who pulls their weight and the relationship is healthy, stable and loving. They are generally much older and more mature and have grown as people and learned from past mistakes.

I understand that this is not always the case. Some are lucky enough to have wonderful first marriages. Some can obviously go into yet another dreadful relationship after the first one.

AIBU in thinking it is common among (mainly women) to sleepwalk into a first marriage/long term relationship with DCs?

On my first and only marriage of 34 years. Was 29 when we tied the knot. DH was 40.

As in, across the population as a whole, a smaller proportion of first marriages end in divorce than second or subsequent marriages.

I'd say the exact opposite. Of my friends with the most successful marriages, most married very young. The two most enviable relationships I know, married at 19 and 20. Both have 4, now adult, kids and a lovely fun filled and supportive relationship.

I met DH at 19 and we were together until he died at 54. Not always perfect but it certainly wasn't a disaster.

Quite.

I've been with my husband sixteen years, married five. We have had amazing adventures, and now are co-parenting well since our son arrived.

If we divorce one day, it won't wipe out those happy years.

People who marry for a second time by definition have had a bad first marriage. Otherwise they wouldn’t have married again. This is such a weird premise for a thread. Speculating about psychology, culture, age etc is useless. The answer to this conundrum is just in the logic of the facts.

@wompwomp the point is that there can only be a first marriage if there's been a second or third one.

Nobody gets married and says "I'm so glad you're my first husband".

So by default the majority of first marriages will be "bad marriages" otherwise they wouldn't have ended

so first marriages are a disaster if they are a disaster?

Yes, I agree.

Also, as you get older you understand yourself better. You know what you like and dislike, what makes you unhappy, what kinds of people annoy you, and so on. Many first marriages fail not because the other person is abusive or evil but because you’re just not well matched.

For example, I’m an introvert. I’m hyper-sensitive to noise and to depressing surroundings (I’d rather live in a caravan in the middle of a field than a detached house in the middle of a huge, run down housing estate). I like art galleries, books, dogs and the countryside. I hate meeting new people, and hate weddings and other big family events. I’m a low energy, slightly melancholic, highly empathetic personality type, and will do anything for a quiet life. That’s just the way I am. I’m not saying I like it. On the whole, I’d rather be a high energy, upbeat extrovert. But I’m not.

When I was 18 I didn’t know any of those things about myself. You’re just a blind maniac driven wild by hormones and fear and peer pressure. I was vaguely aware that others were more outgoing than me, but I would never have considered such things when choosing a partner. I’d have just gone for the best looking, sexiest, most charming man. Today, I know that for a relationship to work the other person needs to be fairly similar. They need to respect my space and allow me time to myself. If they are from a big, close-knit family, with loads of siblings and regular family get-togethers, it’s not going to work. Nor will it work if they expect me to spend the evening watching TV, or down the local pub. I’d completely understand if I pissed someone off btw. I don’t particularly like my personality. But you are what you are.

the word mostly seems to be overstating to be honest. we’ve just celebrated 30 years of marriage (met at 16 married 10 years later) can’t say we haven’t had our ups and downs (who hasn’t) but most of our group of friends who met at school or uni are still going strong. i personally think it’s easier getting together when you are young and have little or nothing- it becomes more complicated with blended families and separate assets.

Well I’ve not had this experience, I met DH at 21 and he was 18 and we didn’t actually get married until 19 years later. However mil is on her second marriage and very happy but I wouldn’t say I have experienced this otherwise

Unless the person was widowed.

They are. Second marriages have a far higher likelihood of failing.

Only since I came on mn 20+ years ago did I realise how so many people had either such chronic anxiety, poor taste in men / poor self esteem /poor relationship boundaries. No wonder so many bad 1st marriages. My ds's both have good self esteem and I hope won't do this.

Who was it that said 'divorce is like murder - the first one is hard but it gets easier with practice'?

In all seriousness, I think a lot of this is down to luck - if you are fortunate enough to meet a good person and your life experiences mean you are able to grow together, rather than apart, then a first marriage will likely be an only marriage.

I do know a few people in their 3rd/4th goes - the triumph of hope over experience. They seem to have learnt little .

I was aware of my self, also my failings at a very young age. I wanted a loving relationship from a young age. No success. A few nice boyfriends at uni. then met Dh mid 20's, knew he was a good' un the moment I met him.

I'd love to know all of the metrics by which marriages were more or less likely to fail. I suspect whether your own parents remain married into your adulthood is far more statistically relevant than the age that you marry, but I know that class and wealth seem to be heavy hitters in the matrix too.

Married for 20 years. One husband, no kids.
A decent man, however, at 45 yo I think marriages are a "disaster" and it's for the best to live on your own.
🥴

*YANBU.

Every single one of my peers who got married by their 30s are already on their divorces.

I'm 34.*

Just in contrast I'm 33 and don't know anyone who is divorced or separated from a long term partner. It so depends on your circles!

Not my experience at all I have multiple friends who married in their early to mid twenties who are still happily married after 25 years. I personally managed 20 years, in fact I'm only the second of my friends to divorce

Which is why I said “the majority of” and not “all” 😉

Yeah, I got married at 23, dh was 25 and we're still going strong, 22 yrs and three kids later.

I didn't have any trouble 'knowing' myself. I wanted a stable marriage, a home and kids out of the starting block.

Some, yes.

Age at first marriage has tended upwards over the years, and women are having their first child later. People routinely live together before committing.

That's all reflected in divorce rates which are on the decline. For recent marriages (2012 to 2015) only 10% had ended in divorce before their 7th anniversary. That's the lowest level since those who married in 1972.

I knew myself pretty well when I was young actually. It's ironic because MN likes to tell you you're supposed to club, and travel, and shag around etc, that is how you live your 20s to the full apparently. But that never was and never has been me, uni was an absolute slog for me, and settling down with my DH and having a family young (whilst still having a thriving career, hobbies and getting abroad as much as we can, before I get labelled a simpleton) has been exactly what I wanted. 20 years down the line and I have no regrets yet.

Not the experience of the vast majority of my friends. Very, very small number of divorces, and most are in happy marriages of 30+ years. From what I can see, lots of partnerships of equals and shared responsibilities.

Statistically speaking, from what I’ve read, the divorce rate is higher for remarriages. Last I saw it’s about 68% for second marriages and then goes up for 3rd marriage and so on.

Of course people’s circumstances are unique and if you marry too young or you’re lovely and they’re awful then you will go on to have a better relationship next time!

My personal experience is that of the 3 divorced people we know they all had serious red flags (cheating) from before the the marriage and then end with adultery. One of them did the same in their second marriage and is now twice divorced by 40!