To think that first marriages are mostly a disaster.

[IneffableCuriosity]

Obviously not in every case.

Bear with me…

I have noticed a pattern emerging in friends of mine, colleagues, close friends, family members and old friends from uni who all seem to end up in terrible first marriages to deadbeat men(or women!) who do the bare minimum, partners who cheat, are physically or verbally abusive or partners who are generally mismatched and the relationship was doomed to fail.

The colleagues/friends who were originally in terrible relationships seem to go on to meet someone lovely who pulls their weight and the relationship is healthy, stable and loving. They are generally much older and more mature and have grown as people and learned from past mistakes.

I understand that this is not always the case. Some are lucky enough to have wonderful first marriages. Some can obviously go into yet another dreadful relationship after the first one.

AIBU in thinking it is common among (mainly women) to sleepwalk into a first marriage/long term relationship with DCs?

I’m mid-40s and literally can’t think of anyone fitting this pattern. Most married late 20s or early 30s, still together and seemingly happy.
Exceptions - one couple married quite young, split up as not right for each other, both perfectly sensible and nice people. No kids when they split. One friend thought she was in a happy marriage until she found out about his cheating. Finally one guy who had a disastrous first marriage and I don’t think his second is much better. He has… issues. That’s it out of all my longstanding friends, although there are a few school mums I can think of who have split up but not remarried.

I know some first marriages that were just 'starter marriages' that ended amicably before the stakes were very high. But a couple where they totally married the wrong person. And in one case, also married the wrong person second time unfortunately.

Oh so glad to have 'found' this thread wedding anniversary today (only marriage) thirty odd years . We have had good times ! I couldn't imagine living with anyone else .

I was 35 when I got married, so is it destined to fail being the first or will it last because I've done it being more mature? 🤔

Maybe in the past... I know my mum certainly did!
But I don't think that's the norm now days. I only know two people my own age who've got divorced actually, because they married young. Everyone else I know that's married did so in their 30s and seem to be happy. I don't think there's as much pressure to get married now and certainly not in your twenties. So people I know who have married have done it after being together some time and have seriously considered it rather than doing it for the sake of it.
I married for the first time at 29 and I was 100% sure it was right. Still happily married 10 years later.
I definitely wouldn't have married if I'd had doubts. I didn't feel any pressure to marry nor did I ever think I would get married before I met my husband. It wasn't something I valued just for itself.. I only valued it when I actually met someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Well, not necessarily! Nothing to say that a person would end up in another toxic relationship the second time around. However, from my observations, the second relationship seems more grounded, mature and grown up than the first.

I would very much like to hear from any and all mums netters who ' were lucky enough to end up in wonderful first marriages'.

Thanks for all your replies. These are all just my observations from friends, family and coworkers. Yes quite a few did marry young and seemed to learn from their mistakes the second time around. These are just observations and not based on statistics etc.

I married at 19 and would still be married 40 years later if the bugger hadn’t died.

That’s wonderful, happy anniversary 🥂 Definitely not saying every single first marriage will be terrible. My parents have been married for over 50 years. It’s what I have noticed recently in my circle.

So sorry to hear that 😔

How can first marriages last "statistically"... surely if they lasted they'd be the only marriage, not the first marriage. This doesn't even make sense.

I think a lot of women who marry in their 30s are quite desperate and will go for almost anyone with a ... consequently not always that compatible and marriages fail.

I've only known a couple of divorces in my wider circle, although yes they were both relatively young when married. One they just grew apart apparently, and the other the husband threw his lovely wife such a curve ball of the type that couldn't have been predicted and wasn't possible to move past (I'll say because I can though that I always knew he was a selfish prick). Most other people I know of are still married and there was a range of ages at marriage starting from early 20s.

I agree with this.

How high school sweethearts couples are still together mid 30’s? Very few. Marrying someone you met at 17 imo is going to end in disaster and divorce.

Definitely not my experience. I know barely anyone whose first marriage has failed. The vast, vast majority of our friends and family got it right first time.

Isn't it just a matter of maturity (or lack of), which generally causes some younger people to make poor decisions, based simply on lack of life experience?

Younger people are more like to make poor educational/career choices meaning they change careers, retrain, go to Uni as a mature student, etc., as they find that their first choice didn't suit them after all.

I don't agree. I got married when I was 21, and most of my friends married at around the same age. With two exceptions, they are all still together, mostly after 35 years or more - 45 years in my case. The two couples who divorced remarried quite quickly and have been together since.

I think part of the problem is that people don't take marriage nearly seriously enough now and are far too quick to separate rather than working at their marriage. Like everyone else, I made vows to stay with my husband through thick and thin for the rest of our lives, stay faithful to him etc, and I would never have got married if I was going to leave at the first sign of trouble. I would have seen any sign of infidelity or violence by my husband as him breaking his vows and would have ended the marriage immediately, but other than that, we have always worked through any problems that we've had, as have most of our friends.

Poppyg123
I would very much like to hear from any and all mums netters who ' were lucky enough to end up in wonderful first marriages'.
Eh me? And I know plenty of people happy out too! We’ve had crap, had to move in with dying parents, had a miscarriage, health scares, death of parents, obviously Covid (where we fought most because we had differing beliefs) etc etc but still have a laugh, fairly equal with workload but more since I went back ft to work. We love each other we laugh we argue sometimes, we hug a lot, he’s my better half and I’m his x
edited to add we have 4 kids and are married 18 years

Mum married dad when she was 19. She’s late 50’s now. Still together.

I started dating dh at 15 and still together/married now nearly 20 years later. . I know that could always change but three children later and so far it’s not destined for divorce 😂

It either works or doesn’t. First marriage or second. 16 or 36 🤷🏻‍♀️

DH and I have been together since I was 17, married at 19 and still happily married at 36. I love him to bits and don't want to do life without him.

I was talking about this with a friend yesterday as she was married young and it didn't work out. They'd been together since school and as they grew up, they no longer had common interest or goals which I suppose is common because we aren't the same people at 16/17 versus 29 or whatever.

I feel fortunate that it's worked out for me and know we are likely in the minority of our generation.

What a load of twaddle.

I think it's because we change so much in our twenties.

It all depends on the person. I don’t agree it is more likely to divorce if younger. My DH and I both married at 18, which is very young. We have grown up together and know each other inside and out. We are still together 28 years later and very happy.

Looking back the first marriages that have survived are the ones everyone thought wouldn't last as they were like chalk and cheese totally ( seemingly ) unsuited, or had nothing going right for them at the start . Yet the ones we thought were ok and had everything going for them and seemed happy and suited were the ones that ended . I guess no one knows what goes on behind closed doors and no one truly knows people until you have lived with them .