To think that first marriages are mostly a disaster.

[IneffableCuriosity]

Obviously not in every case.

Bear with me…

I have noticed a pattern emerging in friends of mine, colleagues, close friends, family members and old friends from uni who all seem to end up in terrible first marriages to deadbeat men(or women!) who do the bare minimum, partners who cheat, are physically or verbally abusive or partners who are generally mismatched and the relationship was doomed to fail.

The colleagues/friends who were originally in terrible relationships seem to go on to meet someone lovely who pulls their weight and the relationship is healthy, stable and loving. They are generally much older and more mature and have grown as people and learned from past mistakes.

I understand that this is not always the case. Some are lucky enough to have wonderful first marriages. Some can obviously go into yet another dreadful relationship after the first one.

AIBU in thinking it is common among (mainly women) to sleepwalk into a first marriage/long term relationship with DCs?

Among the people I know the ones who got married before the age of 30 (with two exceptions) are all divorced. About half have remarried.
everyone I know who married after they were 30 are still together (I’m 50)

'First' marriages are disaster because if someone's marriage is being described as their 'first' then they presumably have since had a second. ''First' marriages are marriages that have ended, so of course they will have been a disaster (of sorts, anyway). Nobody who marries once and stays married calls it their 'first' marriage. They just call it their marriage. So basically what you're saying is 'AIBU to think that marriages that end in divorce will mostly end in divorce?'

Also, a lot of the people you feel are responsible for first marriages being disastrous will go on to be the spouse in someone's second marriage too. So if they caused disaster in the first marriage, why wouldn't they cause second marriages to fail as well?

Basically, it's statistically and logically nonsensical to suggest that most first marriages involve a hapless woman marrying a lazy abusive man. The numbers simply wouldn't add up. It makes absolutely no sense. Your mates are not representative of the wider population, basically. Weirdly, I'm 48 and I only have one divorced friend - a way lower divorce rate among my friends than the general population, for some reason. But I wouldn't think 'This means 90% of first marriages are a success' because they clearly aren't.

Well not me but a very close longstanding friend is just about to celebrate 30th anniversary having got married at 22 and been with her DH since they were 15

Your post makes no sense

Surely the only people who have "first marriages" are those who have already divorced and remarried to begin with?

Nobody in a happy marriage refers to it as their "first marriage" 🤷‍♀️

It all depends on the person. I don’t agree it is more likely to divorce if younger.

I can understand why people think (and possibly backed up by stats?) younger marriages are more likely to end, people change and the younger you are the more you will potentially change.

We married young and been together since teens, we have grown up together. I class us as very lucky because not many people have the privilege of what we have, the uncomplicated nature of it, the deep rooted history and life we've build together. Equally I know it wouldn't suit a lot of people either!

It really can only go one way or the other. I can't comment on anyone else, but I'm very grateful for what I have.

Your observations are quite skewed then.

People who divorce are more likely to have subsequent divorces

May marriages fail not because someone is a twat but because they are incompatible or because life problems damage the relationship

Second marriages work if people deal with their issues otherwise they recreate the issues in subsequent relationships

Second marriages often occur after childbearing. Children add enormous pressure to a relationship. Older relationships that don't involve children don't have this stress

I'm not sure I buy the concept late marriages are more considered though, I suspect there is a lot of settling going on too, ultimately we have a limited time to have children which must add pressure. I suspect many relationships for people in their 30s/40s are convenience.

I am an older generation, friends all 50's and 60's. All married in our mid twenties, had kids in our thirties. All still married and celebrating 30+ years of marriage. Could be a self selecting cohort though!

The only divorcee is my brother, who has been married, and divorced, twice, and in several long term failed relationships. But he is a bit of an arsehole, and also dated women much younger than him. So that's why all his relationships bombed. Nothing to do with marrying young.

Not in my case, but for DH it’s second marriage.

When we met I was 26, I was 30 when we got married, I’d left home at 16, worked full time for 10 years and struggled paying my own bills and rent etc. and had a few boyfriends. Basically learned to be an adult.

His first marriage failed because his ex was cheating. She was 20 when they got married. Went from her parents house to her new home. She is quite immature, still. Their son got married a few years ago and she worn a dress just too similar to the brides dress and spent the afternoon crying in the corridor.

Not my experience.

The first marriages are often more resilient than the second. Once you’ve walked out of one marriage it is easier to do the second time.

I'm 65 and most of my friends are still on their first marriage.

It's not my personal experience. All my social group are still married, all married in early 30s and many met young between 20 to 25. We are all late 40s now and most have kids, not all. That's both my friends and Dh friends.

How long are the second marriages you're talking about? Maybe they just haven't hit the rocks yet.

I'd also say there's more social pressure not to break up a second marriage, especially if you've blended your families for it. A decent chunk of the women in second marriages I know aren't happy, but keep making excuses for their partner as they don't want to admit they picked another bad one and inflicted them on their kids.

I met my husband to be at 19. Got together with him at 20. Engaged at 21. Married at 24. Now been together 30 year. Of all the decisions I've ever made in my life, joining our lives together was the best one! But maybe we're the exception that proves the rule, I dunno. :-)

This is US centric but your observation may not prove out

While roughly half of first marriages in the U.S. end in divorce, 67% of second marriages lead to divorce. That number jumps to 74% for third marriages. But that’s not going to stop people from jumping the broom. Keep in mind, there’s also a smaller sample size for second and third marriages.

Almost all my family are still in their first marriage and are happy.

Parents were married 68 years before they died and were very happy. Me and DH married 44 years and very happy, siblings married 42 years and happy.

Out of 8 cousins 6 have been married at least 30 years and 2 are divorced.

Aunts and uncles all only have had 1 marriage.

I was 25 when we married and DH was 23. My siblings were similar ages when they got married but met when still teenagers.

To be fair I only know of 1 divorced couple out of maybe 20 couples 🤷‍♀️ probably a completely exemption to the rules…

Friend A’s husband cheated on her during her pregnancy, she tried to make it work and he cheated again a while later so she divorced him. She’s happily now in a long term relationship with no plans to marry again. Her divorced husband is on his 3rd wife…

However Friends B & C were both divorced when they met and happy in their second marriage (as far as I am aware) again both of the marriages ended due to cheating.

The rest of us are on our first marriages and seem happy enough.

I met dh in my 20’s married in my 20’s and we are still together 15 plus years down the line I have no plans to divorce him 😂

@BodyKeepingScore

How can first marriages last "statistically"... surely if they lasted they'd be the only marriage, not the first marriage. This doesn't even make sense.
Does this REALLY confuse you or are you being obtuse.

The statistic is that more marriages that are first marriages as opposed to any subsequent marriages are successful
How else would you word it?

Again, how else would you word it?
You can't just refer to 'marriages' as that could mean second pictures marriages.
I can't believe the people being so obtuse

What about people who lived together but not married that's like a first marriage without the ring and certificate.

Yes, this applies to long term partnerships too

If course not. Self soothing narratives to one side, you are far more likely to be in a failed marriage if it's your second or subsequent.

Agreed! Not sure how else I would have worded it?

In my experience from looking at my social circle, second marriages are much happier, particularly those where the couple are in their 60s or older when they get together

My first (and hopefully only) marriage is still going strong. However if I’d my first long term partner (we were together for 7 years) it would have been a disaster. Thankfully I realised that, and didn’t marry him. On the other hand I knew DH was a keeper.
This isn’t actually something I’ve seen amongst my family and friends, however most people I know didn’t marry until late 20s/early 30s and had a few relationships under their belts first, so maybe that makes a difference.