To think that first marriages are mostly a disaster.

[IneffableCuriosity]

Obviously not in every case.

Bear with me…

I have noticed a pattern emerging in friends of mine, colleagues, close friends, family members and old friends from uni who all seem to end up in terrible first marriages to deadbeat men(or women!) who do the bare minimum, partners who cheat, are physically or verbally abusive or partners who are generally mismatched and the relationship was doomed to fail.

The colleagues/friends who were originally in terrible relationships seem to go on to meet someone lovely who pulls their weight and the relationship is healthy, stable and loving. They are generally much older and more mature and have grown as people and learned from past mistakes.

I understand that this is not always the case. Some are lucky enough to have wonderful first marriages. Some can obviously go into yet another dreadful relationship after the first one.

AIBU in thinking it is common among (mainly women) to sleepwalk into a first marriage/long term relationship with DCs?

I’m pleased for you that you feel lucky and you would want the same for your children. If you feel your relationship is the ideal then of course you would want that to be emulated for your kids. That’s perfectly valid.

I wouldn’t have wanted to stay with the first and only person that I’d ever been with, as I’d always be wondering what else is out there and I’d want to experience other things. I agree with @Thepeopleversuswork in that I couldn’t think of anything worse. I would be even more concerned that my other half would be thinking the same as we change so much from when we are kids.

@Fluffywigg I'm more secure in myself than that, it's almost like we're all different, who'd have thought.

I mean clearly it works for some people and who am I to deny them that. I can understand it’s comforting and familiar.

But from my perspective part of growing up is to go through the experience of trying out different versions of yourself, different friendships, lovers, perspectives. Changing your outlook on life and growing.

I think being with the same person all through your adult life would really stunt that .process. I honestly don’t see how it’s possible to find the “right relationship” when you’re too young to vote, to have any real life experience or opinions of your own. I wouldn’t want it for my daughter.

I know this sounds awful. But most people I know who have been divorced are people who would struggle to have a happy marriage. They can be nice people, but have poor communication, poor boundaries, or unrealistic expectations.

Not when it comes to my family. Parents had a wonderful marriage, until my dad passed. Their three children are all in their first marriages. Only one has had struggles (that we know of!) but happy again right now. Both sets of my grandparents had happy marriages that lasted too.

Indeed. I think most people feel very secure until they get cheated on. I’m lucky I’ve never been in such a situation but I know through friends and family.

I don’t think @Thepeopleversuswork is odd at all in what she’s saying. What you feel is lucky and accomplished other people wouldn’t find appealing at all. There is something to be said for moderation and not to the extreme of either end. Ie having one and only partner for life or never committing to anyone. Most people would fall somewhere in between.

I'm not sure what friendships and previous relationships have to do with finding yourself unless you have so little character that you hope to achieve some by osmosis from the people who are around you.

I think being with the same person all through your adult life would really stunt that

How? My DH doesn't define me, I've changed my career a couple of times, I've started new hobbies, I even lived abroad a short while without him, my relationship has never restricted me (parenthood is a different matter!) I just don't understand how anyone can have such strong options on young relationships, you have absolutely no idea how you would be in one, and if you found someone you were truly compatible with I very much doubt you'd have left them in order to "grow", you grow together, if you can't, the relationship isn't compatible.

I find your attitude in itself quite stunted and narrow minded.
Its not "comforting and Familiar" You really sound quite emotionally ignorant.
My marriage is very vibrant and alive, in every sense of the word.
You dont have a clue im afraid.
Its very hard to explain to someone who just doesnt get it, what an incredible experience it is to have someone you adore, adore you just as much back, from a very young age.
Its very possible. And if your dd had someone like my DH, and you poo poo'd it, you would be making a very big mistake.

There are so many benefits of staying in a first marriage though. I’ve had many ups and downs in my marriage, some brilliant times, some not so great. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, with lows and highs.

I know I would absolutely hate being a step mum, sharing my DC with a co parent, having another woman in my DC’s life and then sharing my DGC. It would send me over the edge.

I want to grow old with my husband knowing we’ve got serious history and loyalty. I’ll look after him, and he’ll look after me. We’ll love and cherish our clan together.

I know so many people in 2nd marriages who say they’re happier, but it looks like a shit show from the outside with kids hating the SM snd more baggage than an A380.

I think they often work when it is two people who’ve never been married or in serious relationships before. I think if you marry someone who has already been married , and you haven’t , it can be tricky.

I married in my 40s and chose very, very, very carefully. Had several chances for marriage before that and omg I am glad I didn't marry those idiots.

I am very happily married to my bestfriend and soul mate

@Fluffywigg I can't really moderate my life to make it more palatable for people who have ignorant assumptions. It's not an extreme lifestyle, I just met a really decent bloke at a young age.

I find it really odd the 2 of you are trying to convince me (you?) that my lifestyle would be hell for you, I'm not sure what it's adding to the discussion. I don't really care what you think you'd feel about something you've never experienced, you both seem keen to get in cheap digs about how you'd feel, and yet I'm supposedly the one with a problem in your opinion, seems to me if you were happier and more secure in yourselves you wouldn't be making these cheap digs at someone who just had a different life experience to you. I wasn't even criticising doing it any other way for you to need to defend, you just want to try diminishing someone feeling positive about something? As I say, odd.

Met my husband at 19, got married at 23 and this year we celebrate our 29th wedding anniversary. It's not been without it's challenges but we've worked hard as a couple to be in a very loving relationship.

I don't know anyone who got divorce where it couldn't have been predicted before the wedding.

Two of my friends who are now divorced and both relationships had red flags long before the engagement.

@Desecratedcoconut

I'm not sure what friendships and previous relationships have to do with finding yourself unless you have so little character that you hope to achieve some by osmosis from the people who are around you.

I don’t think wanting to be exposed to a range of people speaks to a lack of character. Quite the opposite, in fact. It is likely to make a person more broad minded. It’s also not to do with taking on other people’s characteristics, it’s about judgment and self awareness.

You have to meet quite a lot of people to get a sense of what good and bad looks like in people and how to identify what it is about them that makes you tick.

What makes people interesting to me is their life experience, their opinions, their sense of humour and self. These are things that are enhanced and enriched by exposure to a wide range of people, not diminished by it.

A person who has got married and settled down in their teens is likely to have far less life experience and is also likely to be over dependent on their spouse emotionally and socially.

These aren’t bad things necessarily but for me it would feel like I was closing my world down much earlier than I would like.

I got married at 24 - still going strong 16 years later. If it failed now i wouldn’t do it again i’d embrace the single life.

Being exposed to different people is interesting and rewarding for its own sake. The idea that you should do it to find yourself - especially when the advice extends to launching yourself into a collection of failed relationships, to achieve a sense of self is quite sad. I wouldn't want it for my children.

And I think the idea that someone who has a collection of failed relationships under their belt to have more experience at life is suspect. The same volume of life has occurred, the experiences are different but no less informative. Unless you didn't have much motivation to explore and interrogate the world under your own steam and would rather have it arrive at you passively through a bunch of different relationships?

I’m getting the impression that you’re quite annoyed that other people don’t view the circumstances of your marriage as wonderful as you do, in that it wouldn’t be their idea of perfect at all.

It’s as if you can’t comprehend how other people could dare to disagree with you. You’ve suggested another poster is bitter, because they said they wouldn’t want to have only experienced one life partner. What she said is absolutely valid. We grow up and change.

You seem very defensive.

@Thepeopleversuswork
Yet another incorrecr bordering on ignorant assumption.
I have ONE husband.
I have however, had many many "life experiences" as you call them.
I have been all over the world, had many many jobs, run businesses, trained people all over the world in world, met many people from all walks of life.

Jsut because I have ONE husband, hasnt limited me at all, whereas you sound quite narrow minded, whats your excuse?

I think being with the same person all through your adult life would really stunt that .process

Yep, meeting my DH at Uni, then getting married mid 20’s really hindered our 25 marriage. We left the UK late 20’s and lived and worked in Asia and the Middle East for 2 decades. We’ve travelled the world together. Last year we spent a month in South America with our DC. We are completely different people to when we met, but we made plans and fulfilled our dreams together.

That’s what marriage is supposed to be, a team, working together towards common goals.

TBH most 2nd marriages I know they seem to do most things separately.

I agree with premise first marriages are more often not great.
My friend group all divorced within 4 or 5 years except us who are going strong at 23 years.
Edit to add, I've been with DH since I was 17, married at 18 first child at 23.

I’m not necessarily talking about a string of failed relationships, that’s obviously not fun or healthy. Although I think it’s not a bad idea to try more than one.

But being in a settled relationship, despite it’s obvious benefits, doesn’t usually lend itself to growth and change. Couples become quite set in their expectations and outlook, for better or for worse, and often that’s not compatible with thinking with fresh ideas about what you want for yourself as opposed to the family unit.

Again this isn’t inherently bad but it can be quite limiting because it doesn’t allow much scope for change. When you are in your 50s with kids that’s probably a good thing on balance. When you’re in your teens or 20s, you are closing yourself off just when you need to keep your options open.

I’m not saying there’s anything inherently wrong with getting married very early but I know it would not have worked for me. It’s also vanishingly uncommon which tells you that a lot of people feel as I do.

You’re just being unpleasant and I don’t have to engage. I have been very clear that I understand people are different. I am just putting my perspective across.

Maybe in the minority here, but been married nearly 21 years, was together for 7 years before we got married. The majority of my friends have similar marriages, only one has divorced and gone on to a successful second marriage.