To think that first marriages are mostly a disaster.

[IneffableCuriosity]

Obviously not in every case.

Bear with me…

I have noticed a pattern emerging in friends of mine, colleagues, close friends, family members and old friends from uni who all seem to end up in terrible first marriages to deadbeat men(or women!) who do the bare minimum, partners who cheat, are physically or verbally abusive or partners who are generally mismatched and the relationship was doomed to fail.

The colleagues/friends who were originally in terrible relationships seem to go on to meet someone lovely who pulls their weight and the relationship is healthy, stable and loving. They are generally much older and more mature and have grown as people and learned from past mistakes.

I understand that this is not always the case. Some are lucky enough to have wonderful first marriages. Some can obviously go into yet another dreadful relationship after the first one.

AIBU in thinking it is common among (mainly women) to sleepwalk into a first marriage/long term relationship with DCs?

For first marriages the divorce rate in the UK is 41%. For second marriages it is 31%. I'm amazed it is so high really. I suppose that saying that a man is not a financial plan is true.

I agree, @Spinningroundahelix , those stats are surprising for 2024 given that marriage isn’t “expected” nowadays as it used to be. Regardless of your age, don’t bother if you’re at all unsure!

I think statistically 2nd marriages fail more often than 1sts? If you factor in the challenges of blended families and dealing with difficult exes, juggling commitments of shared custody plus financial pressures of paying maintenance etc, it's not surprising 😳 I married at 18 and still married 34 years later, we were just lucky I guess 🤷‍♀️ while it's not always been easy, it always helped to remember the grass is not always greener! I've seen plenty of friends rush into a rebound second marriage and regret it. At the end of the day, marriages fail for all sorts of reasons!

I'm a carer, I go to people's homes to support them. I support quite a few couples in their late 80s and 90s who have been married since "childhood sweethearts", so like 60/70 years of marriage. Its incredibly sweet how they're still utterly devoted to each other....

I have no idea if it’s mostly, but it certainly applies to DH and me. We were both married to the wrong people for 30-years (I know, I know, 🤷‍♀️). We have lived together for 16-years, this Summer, married for 9-years in the Autumn. We love each other now as much as we did in the early days, respect and care for each other every day.

I think this quite possibly has a lot to do with age at first marriage. A lot of my friends from school all married quite young (late teens/early 20s). They are, as far as I can think, all divorced now and many on marriage #2 or 3 now in early 40s.

All my friends who are still with their original husbands got married young, and all are still happy. I didn't get married until I was 30 and mine didn't last.

@Spinningroundahelix I think some context is needed to make sense of those figures.
Women were only allowed our own bank accounts in the UK, as recently as 49 years ago (1975).
Many of the middle aged women divorcing now will have been born between then and the mid 1980's. Married young due to societal expectations and only now, thanks to that changing + finances, able to get divorced. Ending their first marriages decades later.
This is different from an 18 year old choosing to marry in , say 2015 and then getting divorced 3 years later.
The effect of fewer divorces (due to fewer marriages in the first place) will probably be gradually felt within the next 15 years. But not yet
...

Generally, Getting second marriage right is merely you've learned to compromise rather than bickering about small thing.

@onlyyarrknhe I’m not sure that I agree that my generation (I was born in 1974) was “expected” to get married in the 1990’s in the way that previous generations were.

I know plenty of people in my age group who haven't married, as well as plenty who have. It was definitely a choice for us.

That’s why I’m quite surprised at @Spinningroundahelix‘s stats of 41 and 31%. Who are all these people getting divorced and why?

I think first marriages are more likely to have more challenges than later marriages. From immaturity to financial issues to children - those challenges will make the marriages seem less ideal. It may be second marriages are no stronger than first marriages, they just aren't tested as hard.

Not here. Married my first love at 25 (after 10 years together), still very happily married at 45.

During that time, with the exception of maybe two couples, most of our friends have been married, had kids, then divorced.

Hate to say it but I credit the fact we haven't had children with being the reason why we're still going strong all these years on.

No one was insulting anyone there. @Thepeopleversuswork was responding to me. And I agree with them that the idea of "living in sin" is nonsense. What better way is there to know if you're compatible living together long term, making a big, lifelong commitment of marriage, than actually living together and learning to share the responsibility?

If it doesn't work, it's much easier for a couple to split prior to marriage/mortgage/kids than after. And most churches and decent people now recognise that it's not a "sin" to live with someone you love.

It’s called growing up. You learn at least by number 3 lol

No, that’s not what I said at all. I said that from my experience generally a lot of people who settle down young divorce or stick it out but are unhappy. Absolutely doesn’t apply to everyone, of course there are lots of people who have been together since they were young who are very happy. I’m very pleased that that’s the case for you. Was just an opinion / observation from my own experience.

I completely agree, of course there are many people who met / married young who are still happy and in love. Was just a general observation / opinion from my own experience and what I’ve seen with friends. I absolutely was not saying it applies to everyone

I don’t think it’s fair or kind to say someone’s opinion is rubbish. I never said that someone has no hope because they met young, I was just expressing an opinion based on my own experiences (kind of thought that’s the point of these threads….) I would not call your opinion rubbish - you’re perfectly entitled to think whatever you want! There’s just no need to be rude.

Ps so sorry about your Mum (and for your Dad). That’s really, really tough especially after spending a lifetime together.

DH and I are both 70, been married since we were 23. Most of our friends and family were married at a similar age. Virtually all of us are still married to the same partner. In fact, I am struggling to think of more than 1 who has divorced. Maybe its a generational thing.

Interesting thread, amongst my friends and acquaintances very few are divorced. Those who did divorce mainly married in their late 30's or were pushed into marriage because they were pregnant (you can guess from this that I'm older than the average Mumsnetter).
Personally I married young (23) but was sure it was right, if I'd had any doubts I wouldn't have done it.
Obviously there are exceptions but I'd say YABU.