To think that first marriages are mostly a disaster.

[IneffableCuriosity]

Obviously not in every case.

Bear with me…

I have noticed a pattern emerging in friends of mine, colleagues, close friends, family members and old friends from uni who all seem to end up in terrible first marriages to deadbeat men(or women!) who do the bare minimum, partners who cheat, are physically or verbally abusive or partners who are generally mismatched and the relationship was doomed to fail.

The colleagues/friends who were originally in terrible relationships seem to go on to meet someone lovely who pulls their weight and the relationship is healthy, stable and loving. They are generally much older and more mature and have grown as people and learned from past mistakes.

I understand that this is not always the case. Some are lucky enough to have wonderful first marriages. Some can obviously go into yet another dreadful relationship after the first one.

AIBU in thinking it is common among (mainly women) to sleepwalk into a first marriage/long term relationship with DCs?

How do you know we should be so lucky?

You seem to be reading this as a personal assault on you. It’s really not. It’s a discussion. People talk about their views. It’s not about you.

Ya its a discussion in which you are rude and wrong.

You can’t really tell people that their opinion is ‘wrong’. That’s not how opinions work. If people were talking in absolutes, as in ‘everyone who gets married young is uneducated’, then you’d have a point. But no one is doing that.

OK that’s your opinion, to which you are entitled but mine is different. That’s how it works.

I mean this kindly but you seem not to able to grasp the point of debate. One person puts their view across, the other counters. Respectfully (hopefully). If you are honest with yourself you will see I have not been rude to you at any point I just disagree with you. Which I have a right to do.

You have not. You have stated what you thinl to be facts, which i have pointed out are incorrect.
I mean this kindly, but you seem quite emotionally stunted and cant seem to grasp that.

@Doteycat

You have stated what you thinl to be facts, which i have pointed out are incorrect.
I mean this kindly, but you seem quite emotionally stunted and cant seem to grasp that.

You don’t get to decide whose view is correct. They are subjective opinions, there are no “facts” here.

Also you have twice called me emotionally stunted. I have said nothing to you personally that has been rude.

I am very happy for you to have your strong views, please allow me to my own.

You stated many many incorrect facts.
And you know it.
And no, i wont let you away with your ignorant comments like 'shacking up'.

Some might call them starter marriages..

A mix. Some friends have split up from first partners, others have stayed together. I would say most have gone on to other relationships though, maybe 65%? Xx

Has someone used that term for you and your husband, personally, before, and therefore it feels like an attack (shacking up)?

When DH and I first moved in together, it probably did look like "shacking up". There was some physical distance between us so we got to a point where it was live together or accept we may have to give up. We chose live together. But I had just finished uni and he had just been made redundant for the second time in a year. So he got another job and I moved to where that was, and temped til I got a permanent position. We lived in a tiny flat with barely any space. We weren't married. We had no money. But we were happy. Happily "shacked up".

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos

I’m also struggling to understand why “shacking up” is offensive? It’s just shorthand for “cohabiting”. It has no implications for the state or quality of the relationship.

@Thepeopleversuswork

I've only ever had one person say it to me that I knew meant it badly. But they are from the church that part of my family go to, and were one of the more zealous about the "rules". As I've never been a member of that church, I just ignored the tone.

Otherwise, it's just something people say instead of moving in together.

I don’t come from a religious or conservative background so that was lost on me tbh. It would never occur to me that that phrase could be considered an insult.

I myself am neither religious or conservative (thanks, Dad, for making sure we could decide for ourselves!). But background wise we have a mix of different ones. Mostly CofE or that kind, but there are some members in one with some more strict rules. That particular church has gotten better over the years, but when I was younger it was not lenient on things like living in sin!

Although I've got to be honest, it was the tone and facial expression that went alongside it, rather than anything else.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos

That particular church has gotten better over the years, but when I was younger it was not lenient on things like living in sin!

Incredible that people still adhere to this nonsense.

The fact that some members of my family are quite entrenched in the church is a source of worry for me. But that's an entirely different story to this one!

I've been married to my first love for 27 years.

I agree with you- I think like every thing else, you grow and learn with each opportunity and situation so it stands to reason that relationships are the same and as we grow, we gain a better idea of what a healthy relationship looks like and what we want.
i say that as someone who has been with my DH for 21 years, but on the whole and what I’ve witnessed is that marriages and LT relationships improve with experience

Met DH at 18, waited for him to grow (sober) up, got together at 20, engaged within a few months, married at 21. Been married nearly 25 years...

If I'd married the guy I was dating at 18 I think I would've regretted it but luckily I realised after a couple of years together.

And there you go again insulting people with your so called views.
And no, no one has used it as an insult directly to me and i am not in any way religious so nothing to do with that. But plenty of people still adhere to what you rudely call 'nonsense'.
You just dont see it and you never will.
Luckily im v happy and in a v vibrant marriage and dont need you to.

What’s a ‘so called view’?

We started going out when we were 21, married six years later and are still together 35 years later. We're solid and always will be.

Thepeopleversuswork I just find your thoughts really odd. You are happy to stand by what you say so good for you, even if statistics show second marriages are more likely to end in divorce. But saying if you're marrying in your 20's it's settling for a traditional marriage with a stay at home wife, but mid thirties leads to an equal marriage is just so odd. I think you're not as world experienced and broad minded as you think you are.

Id say it's the other way around. .think it depends who you mix with maybe

Um, statistically, more second marriages end in divorce than first marriages.

Ultimately with second marriages who have the combination of people both willing to get married and who made a total hash of either selecting the right partner for life, or not being able to work together as a team.

I'm more shocked at the number of people you know who made really low value choices for first marriages?

Or do you?

Are you just influenced by all their hatred of an ex?

Or did they all get married young and stupid? And without a clue of what they wanted to achieve in life?

But ultimately, you need to choose someone with values you can rely on, integrity and qualities you admire and respect. Because after all the giddy in love times, after you've faced a few hard times, and faced it like a team, and been each other's support, then you'll know no one else could ever measure up.