To think that first marriages are mostly a disaster.

[IneffableCuriosity]

Obviously not in every case.

Bear with me…

I have noticed a pattern emerging in friends of mine, colleagues, close friends, family members and old friends from uni who all seem to end up in terrible first marriages to deadbeat men(or women!) who do the bare minimum, partners who cheat, are physically or verbally abusive or partners who are generally mismatched and the relationship was doomed to fail.

The colleagues/friends who were originally in terrible relationships seem to go on to meet someone lovely who pulls their weight and the relationship is healthy, stable and loving. They are generally much older and more mature and have grown as people and learned from past mistakes.

I understand that this is not always the case. Some are lucky enough to have wonderful first marriages. Some can obviously go into yet another dreadful relationship after the first one.

AIBU in thinking it is common among (mainly women) to sleepwalk into a first marriage/long term relationship with DCs?

Yes it is subsequent marriages eg.second marriages that are statistically more likely to break up.
Might be a number of reasons like baggage from the first, blended family pressure, or just being the sort of people who is open to leaving a marriage for whatever reason.

Obviously exceptions (abusers etc), but could it be that most first marriages are bad not because they are bad/lazy people, but because they don't know what is required of a marriage? Then these same people get divorced and realise actually how good they had it what is required... so all these people remarrying have actually learned from their mistakes and then make good partners?

Just another way of looking at it :)

Married to DH for 10years, been together for 15 and knew him years before that. although only got together after uni. We're now 35 and have 2 kids (7yo and 2yo). He's not a deadbeat and pulls his weight and then some... but I am the higher earner working FT, and DH works 0.8FTE so our marriage is slightly different to the stereotype I guess.

No plans at all to divorce or split yet. In fact, I enjoy his company more than ever. We've got the same very cynical sense of humour and that gets us through!

My 4 best friends married within a year of me (so all 25/26). One has recently split. The rest are doing good so far!

Those who go on to have great second marriages are the ones who have learnt from their mistakes

Starter marriages with no dc, lasting a couple of years, were quite common in my friends group.
Yes amicable enough and young, in their 20s. This was from a time in the 80s and 90s when living together was less accepted by family and there was pressure to marry, but it was coupled with a time when women especially did not have to stay and were supported to leave by family and society too. You could have a go and if it did not work out and no dc, it was ok.

I haven't notice this young or past 30 marriage seem to last or not about same.

However reading on here I am now approaching 50 - kids leaving home - and will start to be at a statical peak of divorce so my experiences may change over next few years.

Fraid not. We met at 16 and 17.
38 years later and we are very happy, not one complaint thankfully.
If im VERY lucky, have another 38 but im not sure we will live that long lol.
But another 100 wldnt be enough so im afraid youre wrong there.

I think also that a lot depends on one's expectations and whether or not one is capable of realistic predictions of what married life might be like with the prospective partner.

I married young, as did my sisters (we were 18, 20 and 21). We didn't live with our husbands before we married them, so only found out after marriage what they would be like to live with! None of us expected perfection. All of us expected a bit of give and take though.

When I look back now, I'm amazed that we made those decisions to get married and commit to a lifelong relationship so young. Two of us were still at school when we got engaged.

I can't speak for my sisters but I know that I was quite matter-of-fact about it. I wrote a list of "must haves", which included: must want to have children; must have a good job/prospects; must have parents that I get along with; must share my basic values; must enjoy most of the things that I enjoy; must come from a good background, be well educated and be at least my equal intellectually.. etc. In a way, I more or less arranged my own marriage. I was 18.
Was it a good idea? Who knows?! 🤔🤣 I've no way of finding out whether I could have made a better match. We've had our ups and downs but still together nearly 50 years on (as are both sisters with their husbands).

There's something that intrigues me about this statistic.
Is there any difference in divorce rate between 2nd marriages when one or both spouses have children & 2nd marriages that are child free on both sides?

From looking at stepfamily threads, it all seems incredibly complicated - stepchildren, shared children, who lives where, co-parenting with exes. Added stresses that could affect the success of the marriage.

Whereas a couple without these added complications might have an easier life & could be less likely to separate.

You’re the exception, not the norm though. The vast majority of people will not be with their 16/17 year old bf/gf, marry them and stay together forever. That would be the dream really!

One of my friends is still with her childhood sweetheart, together since they were 14, married with 3 kids and they are one of the most solid couples I know and I’d be gobsmaked if they ever split up. Again though very very much the exception.

@Fluffywigg you said "Marrying someone you met at 17 imo is going to end in disaster and divorce" but I know of several couples (myself included) who got together as teens and married, none of us are divorced and I'm very happy, if we divorce in future it won't be because of our age (had 20 happy years so far). I don't think anyone could call 20 years+ together happy as a disaster, whatever the future may hold for us.

You very clearly stated "they end in divorce"
And thats very clearly not the case.

Subsequent marriages are also more likely to be complicated by blended families etc, anyone who has taken a peak in the step parenting forum won't be surprised to hear subsequent marriages are statistically more likely to divorce!

I have heard this stat as well. I honestly think if you have had a bad first marriage you would have to be insane to want to do it again.

I think the second marriages ending in divorce is down to the fact that this is a group of people who are getting married again for bad reasons.

I don’t think it’s necessarily true that first marriages are more likely to be bad but I do think people who get married young are more likely to divorce. Early 20s is far far too young to make an informed decision about the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with. Later marriage generally seems to lower the risk of silliness.

Have you been at the sherry OP? How is it possible to say that first marriages are mostly a disaster??

Isn't the divorce rate even higher in second marriages than first marriages? But depends on age.. Marriages which happen in late 20s and early 30s last the longest data shows.

@Doteycat
@wpalfhal

How high school sweethearts couples are still together mid 30’s? Very few. Marrying someone you met at 17 imo is going to end in disaster and divorce

I said “Very few” high school sweet hearts are still together mid 30’s! I also said it’s my opinion that marrying someone you meet at 15/16/17 (and that being the only person you’ve ever been with) is very unlikely to last for the vast majority of couples, therefore ending in divorce.

Ideally, I wouldn’t want my DD to get married to her high school sweetheart as the chances of it lasting as significantly less than if she meets someone when she’s older.

Once again, you’re both the exception.

@Fluffywigg is right though. There will always be outliers and exceptions but it’s pretty rare these days to meet and marry someone in your teens and remain together until you die.

Not many relationships can sustain the level of change and growth that people go through in their 20s and 30s and remain intact.

Honestly I can’t think of anything worse than still being with the same person I dated as a teenager: I have changed so much. Horses for courses obviously but It sounds very limiting and stifling to me.

@Thepeopleversuswork she didn't say it was rare, she said it WOULD end in disaster and divorce in her first post, that's very different.

Honestly I can’t think of anything worse than still being with the same person I dated as a teenager: I have changed so much. Horses for courses obviously but It sounds very limiting and stifling to me.

The right relationship shouldn't feel like that, though, and some people are just lucky enough to fall into that relationship early.

@Fluffywigg the full stop between very few and the next sentence changed the context of what you wanted to say. I would be thrilled if my children had the marriage we have, be that from whatever age, and I'm very glad to have provided them this family unit. We are all very lucky.

and it will for MOST people.

Certainly not true in my experience (of my own marriage and of people I know).

Honestly I can’t think of anything worse than still being with the same person I dated as a teenager: I have changed so much.

What a strange thing to say. Have you cut yourself off from everyone in your life because you have "changed so much"? My DH and I have both changed, of course we have. I think being in a young relationship means you inevitably grow up together, or apart. For the lucky ones, we grow together. We have built a life together and have a shared, simple history very few have. I consider myself extremely lucky, I find it odd that you wish to diminish something you don't understand or have experience of, it comes across a little bitter tbh.

Lots of dh's old friends were together from age 14 or 15 married in their 20s and still together now. Some must be getting on for 40 years marriage in a few years time. My siblings were married very young by today's standards and still together ( they are older than me) one for 50 years.
All of my friends are divorced though and none ever remarried.
I've been married for over 34 years.
It's been tough at times I will admit , but I can see why some marriages don't last tbh.
Depends on the people involved I guess.