Partner wants a baby - am I not compromising?

[Daisyshine90]

My partner (39 this year) wants a baby but I’m still hesitant (34 this year). He brought up trying for a baby about a year in. I said I wasn’t ready as we weren’t even living together yet. He said some things:

“He’s worried for me that I’ll miss my chance” - surely that’s an emotion I should own?
“He’s worried I’ll never be ready” - I said I wanted children just not right then.
“We both met older - he never wanted to be an old dad” - he worked abroad until he was 35 developing his career. (I have a good career too but he is significantly on more than me.)
Some family might not be around next year” - despite no one being ill at the time he said that.

It dawned on me then that he’s desperate to start a family and it’s felt like a pressure ever since. Are these usual things to discuss?

He has offered his own compromises l:
Right at the start of the dating period he was adamant against marriage. It’s been a regular argument since but I started to accept that it wasn’t going to happen. He broke up with his previous partner because she wanted marriage and children and he didn’t/wasn’t ready at the time for kids. Nearly 2 years in, he said he has been thinking about it and now wants to marry me because he cares for me, knows how important it is to me and is willing to compromise. I asked if he could give me a timeline and he said 3 - 4 years but he wants children first. I responded suspiciously and it ended up in another argument. This was because it was on the back of an argument. Was I being unfair in responding that way?

We still don’t live together but I’ll be moving in soon. He has never seen this as a problem though and thinks it’ll work if I get pregnant now and eventually move in. This just seems absurd to me. Now one of his family members is ill with cancer and I’m worried that’s going to be another pressure.

The pressure is hitting hard. I feel so overwhelmed by it that I can’t even think straight about how I feel because I’m thinking about how he feels. I’ve always wanted a family but the thought of being pregnant makes me incredibly anxious. I wanted it to be a decision together, and the pressure just makes me feel as though it’s not my decision.

This is all combined with me moving into a house he is building. Originally he didn’t want me to have any input (just bills) but then after a while we agreed it’d work emotionally if I put some investment in. But now l, after reading up on it, I don’t feel it’s a good idea (not being married) but he’s certain he wants me to put 50% in. The plan is also for his mother to move in the small build next to it (inevitably she will be helping with ‘childcare’). This was his plan really early on so it has never been something we’ve discussed together. I get on with his mum very well but I just feel decisions are out of my control and I’m just fitting into his jigsaw.

I’ve been diagnosed recently with PTSD due tone sexual trauma and have experienced an abusive relationship in the past. I know these impact how I approach relationships and trusting partners. I love him and we have some wonderful times together. Generally we get on really well. It’s just the pressure of the next big steps.

I don’t have many friends who have families yet, so I am surrounded by single friends. I haven’t really been in a position of a serious relationship/living with someone because of my past. This is all new to me and I feel very naive. Does anyone have any advice? Am I being unreasonable?

There used to be a song called 99 Red Balloons
Change the wording to 199 Red Flags
I would be running for them there hills...

You are definitely NBU

If he isn't prepared to marry you without "compromising", then he isn't fit to be your Husband.

Bin him. NOW.

He sounds like he just wants a woman as an accessory to fit into the life plans he has made for himself. I had one of these once. Run. They make terrible partners.

He's a complete joker saying he'll marry you later after children. What is likely to happen is that you'll put your body through all that and you'll have little financial security, and then he's unlikely to marry you anyway. When men want to get married, they are enthusiastic about it - not grudging! You are worth more than this.

Please think really carefully before moving in OP. He sounds really manipulative and selfish. And having his mum next door would be the last straw for me! He's emotionally blackmailing you about the marriage thing.

He's asking a big thing of you without actually doing much to provide security or even guarantee of commitment to either you or your potential child.

Legally, marriage matters (arguably more than it should, but fact is it does).

Having a baby before living together makes me feel all responsibility will fall on you. He gets to call himself a dad, you're the one doing everything alone.

You're not an egg farm. You deserve support and respect.

Hurry hurry, super scurry, I think the lyrics went.

I agree. So many red flags. I'd run. Pressure on you. Having children before marriage ( not advisable). His mum living next door!

So he won't provide you with the security of marriage, you don't even live together yet, but he wants you to risk your health, your career and your ability to provide for yourself or to find yourself a new partner, by having his child.

And he's trying to pressure you, when you've already said you're not ready.

Double down on your contraception and be ready to run for the hills. This has controlling written all over it, in HUGE red letters.

Run. Far away from him.

Doesn’t want to get married but now saying he will “for you”. He’ll use this ‘sacrifice’ he’s making against you repeatedly to try and control and coerce you into doing what he wants.
Pressuring you to have a baby without getting married first.
Wants a kid - but wants you and his mother to raise it.
Building a house and wants you to pay for half of it but doesn’t want to get married or put your name anywhere near it.

DO NOT MARRY OR HAVE A KID WITH THIS MAN.

You shouldn't have a baby with someone you havnt lived with, because you can't accurately judge if you can cohabit and work through domestic stuff together
You also shouldn't get married without having lived together, because see above.
It doesn't sound like you really want a baby, though, and a baby is a bigger commitment than marriage, so he needs to verbalise why he's happy to take on a bigger commitment first then do marriage later.

If you do have a baby unmarried, you need to make sure you are financially covered (by yourself) for if you split up. And that doesn't mean relying on him paying child support. If you broke up tomorrow, with a baby, you need to think about where you would live, how would you work, how you'd afford moving costs and childcare etc.

If he loved you, he wouldn't want you to put your financial security at risk, and as you havnt lived together, you putting 50% into a property is currently a risk - he would need to be prepared to buy you out if it doesn't work. Equally, if you don't put 50% in initially and then it does work out, he either needs to marry you (so legally it's half yours anyway) or put you on the mortgage/deeds, BEFORE you have a child or contribute to any mortgage, or you will walk away with nothing.

Yep.

This is worrying. It's all about what he wants. What about what you want?

The stress and unease you’re feeling is your gut telling you that this is not right. He’s pressuring you to fit in around his plans but you should be making your own decisions about what feels comfortable for you. He does sound controlling and it seems this behaviour often becomes worse once children come along. You will be more trapped then, and not being married will make you more vulnerable financially.

So many red flags here that you should be running away in the opposite direction.

It’s a terrible idea to have kids, marry or move in with this man. Pressuring you into massive changes like having a baby and allowing you no say in important decisions like his mum moving in (when you are paying 50% too) is abusive. If you go along with this, it will get worse regardless of whether or not you are together. I would not want to live a life where I was always expected to go along with what he wanted and I had no choices. If I was a friend of yours, I’d be very concerned that you were in another abusive relationship and urge you to leave.

Op. This man may have many many good qualities, but he is off the charts selfish. Me, me, me. I want, I want, I want.

With the benefit of hindsight, there is NO WAY I would have a baby with a selfish man.

It is the worst possible trait to be a parent. I know no one is perfectly. But parenting is very very hard. Wonderful, but hard. You give up, or semi give up, or it takes planning, all the things you love doing for them. Gone. This man will not do that for 18 years, of that I am absolutely certain.

I would not have a baby with this man. Stay with him if you want, I'm sure he's fun. But he will not be a good parent or husband to you if you have children.

Re read your post, OP, as if someone else had written it.

Then think what you would say to the writer.

Don't move into his house, keep him as a boyfriend if you really fancy him, because he certainly isn’t your ‘partner’.

Agree with previous posters, big red flags here. And it sounds like you can see them yourself, but you are struggling to trust your own judgement due to past experiences.
I would say your gut is telling you truth, you just need to trust yourself again OP. You are right to be concerned.

Instead of wondering about having kids with this person, I'd be wondering why I'm even with this person.

Christ, life is too short for this amount of bullshit in it.

This IS an abusive relationship, OP. The pressure he's putting on you - without any regard for your feelings - is intolerable.

The marriage being dangled IF you do what he wants, the 'get pregnant NOW', the utterly insecure housing arrangement are textbook manipulation.

Bin him.

If you had children first he wouldn't marry you op...

Is he sounding worse than he is op? Because from what you've said it shouldn't be timing if having children you should be agonising about, it should be which direction you should be running for the hills in. He wants it all his way. He is used to having it his way and doesn't show signs of changing. Invest in "his" house because he graciously allows you to do so, hahahaha sod off mate.

You need to think about if he is really what you want in life op. Selfishness is a very bad trait to have in a father or co-parent... If you definitely want to stay with him, getting married before children in this case should be your absolute line.

Good luck x

Reading the first paragraph I was thinking those concerns are all valid and fair and not unreasonable if he feels keen on starting a family, they are just feelings he has and it's good he's talking to you about things - two sides and all that.

Everything else was massive warning bells.

You would be completely mad to move in with, have a child with, or marry this man, who is trying to pressure you into a baby you don’t want!

No way should you have a baby with someone you don't live with. You have no idea if he will revert to some sort of man child who expects you to become the little woman picking up after him. (Moving his mum into an annexe on the house suggests it probably would). Having a child is a greater commitment than marriage in that it ties you with him to life.. you need to be a million percent sure you want that with him

Dh, I’ve been thinking and I’m feeling just steamrolled here. I don’t want a baby before I’m married, that’s a risk to me and not you. I am also not sure I want to live next to your mum, but apparently that’s the only option for our relationship. If I had a baby I’d want an equal say at least about the childcare plans while you seem to have sorted them with your partner being irrelevant to this discussion. If I’m irrelevant to any discussion about childcare of my baby then I had better also remove myself from any discussion about having a baby.

what is his mum like?

Maintain your independence, run away, please do nit allow him to impregnate you. He is controlling now and these behaviours worsen when you're vulnerable through things like pregnancy. Run, run far and don't look back.