Partner wants a baby - am I not compromising?

[Daisyshine90]

My partner (39 this year) wants a baby but I’m still hesitant (34 this year). He brought up trying for a baby about a year in. I said I wasn’t ready as we weren’t even living together yet. He said some things:

“He’s worried for me that I’ll miss my chance” - surely that’s an emotion I should own?
“He’s worried I’ll never be ready” - I said I wanted children just not right then.
“We both met older - he never wanted to be an old dad” - he worked abroad until he was 35 developing his career. (I have a good career too but he is significantly on more than me.)
Some family might not be around next year” - despite no one being ill at the time he said that.

It dawned on me then that he’s desperate to start a family and it’s felt like a pressure ever since. Are these usual things to discuss?

He has offered his own compromises l:
Right at the start of the dating period he was adamant against marriage. It’s been a regular argument since but I started to accept that it wasn’t going to happen. He broke up with his previous partner because she wanted marriage and children and he didn’t/wasn’t ready at the time for kids. Nearly 2 years in, he said he has been thinking about it and now wants to marry me because he cares for me, knows how important it is to me and is willing to compromise. I asked if he could give me a timeline and he said 3 - 4 years but he wants children first. I responded suspiciously and it ended up in another argument. This was because it was on the back of an argument. Was I being unfair in responding that way?

We still don’t live together but I’ll be moving in soon. He has never seen this as a problem though and thinks it’ll work if I get pregnant now and eventually move in. This just seems absurd to me. Now one of his family members is ill with cancer and I’m worried that’s going to be another pressure.

The pressure is hitting hard. I feel so overwhelmed by it that I can’t even think straight about how I feel because I’m thinking about how he feels. I’ve always wanted a family but the thought of being pregnant makes me incredibly anxious. I wanted it to be a decision together, and the pressure just makes me feel as though it’s not my decision.

This is all combined with me moving into a house he is building. Originally he didn’t want me to have any input (just bills) but then after a while we agreed it’d work emotionally if I put some investment in. But now l, after reading up on it, I don’t feel it’s a good idea (not being married) but he’s certain he wants me to put 50% in. The plan is also for his mother to move in the small build next to it (inevitably she will be helping with ‘childcare’). This was his plan really early on so it has never been something we’ve discussed together. I get on with his mum very well but I just feel decisions are out of my control and I’m just fitting into his jigsaw.

I’ve been diagnosed recently with PTSD due tone sexual trauma and have experienced an abusive relationship in the past. I know these impact how I approach relationships and trusting partners. I love him and we have some wonderful times together. Generally we get on really well. It’s just the pressure of the next big steps.

I don’t have many friends who have families yet, so I am surrounded by single friends. I haven’t really been in a position of a serious relationship/living with someone because of my past. This is all new to me and I feel very naive. Does anyone have any advice? Am I being unreasonable?

I agree with this. For the first 2 paragraphs I was on your partner's side as those sounded reasonable questions and you sounded keen to avoid the issue.

However the rest is massive red flags.

He is building a house for him and his mother and he is reluctantly letting you have some ownership. He's pressuring you to have a baby eventhough you don't even live totogether. He believes offering to marry you in 4 years is a compromise (which it isn't. Marriage is a 2 yes type situstion) but in willing to het in 4 years he will find an excuse not to do it.

Do you think he will be a good dad? Is he willing to provide for the family or is he more of a what is mine is mine?

Agree with this. It’s fine and normal for people to discuss children and talk about what they want. People don’t always agree, it’s ok and good to discuss this. And it’s ok for him to be desperate for a family. Plenty of people are. And it’s also ok for him to really really want you to be part of it.

But it’s not ok for him to pressure you. Really, when it comes to babies / families, it’s hard but there’s ultimately not a lot of compromise to be had. You have to both want them, and if you don’t, you have to decide whether or not to end the relationship due to incompatibility, or if it’s ok to continue without kids.

It’s also definitely not ok for him to think you’ll be fine just getting pregnant and having his child without even having lived with him yet, or being married to him first. He is asking a lot of you, putting you at a lot of risk, and vague future promises don’t cut it. And you should be having an equal say in whether or not you want to live with his mum, etc. It does sound like you’re being railroaded.

Do not get pregnant before moving in with him.

Do not put money into his property without the security of marriage.

Run, run, run for the hills.

This guy sounds terrifying, I know you think you’ve bagged a good guy, but I really think you need to rethink that. He’s pressuring you in having a baby whilst not marrying you first, so all the risk and sacrifice is on you. He wants you to pay 50% of a house that it sounds like he doesn’t plan to put you on the deeds for, so again, all the risk is on you, never mind the fact that he wants this 50% whilst he earns way more than you. Would this continue once you had the baby too? He sounds incredibly controlling, selfish and manipulative. Don’t put yourself in a weaker position, look out for your own well being first and foremost.

"Luke, it's a trap!"

Oh dear god no. He won’t be marrying you, he’ll want you to do the majority of the work and you’ll probably end up looking after his mum. Just don’t move in. Don’t do it, don’t give him a penny either.

This house that he wants you pay 50% for...you get an equal say in the design, right? I mean, it'll be half yours, so that's only fair. That should include an equal say in whether you live alongside his mother. Do you know/like his mother? Do you share values with her? That's a pretty important consideration, if she is going to be heavily involved in caring for your child.

He's being careless.
Move in, engaged in 6 months, short engagement, 6 months. Then ttc. Time isn't on your side. That doesn't mean you should make rash decisions.

Don't invest any money without a legal right to that money back or an interest in The house.

You are hesitant OP, about one of life's biggest decisions! Don't be pushed or guilt tripped into having a child, especially based on promises he may never keep. Sounds like he has made a lot of plans without really involving you at all!

Just say no. None of what he is proposing is in your interests. He wants to control your choices. Don't let him design your life for you.

Your reluctance is because you don't want a baby (with him* and for very good reason.

Don't move in with him and definitely don't have a baby with him.

You've had some excellent advice here and I can't add much other than you would be mad to have a child with this man before marriage, and his mother next door?! No, no, no, they will both call the shots and then you'll be her carer when she's elderly.

The more I read Mumsnet, the more value I see in a traditional approach to relationships.
1.Marry and move in together -all ownership of things is shared. All income is ours. Enjoy each other. Tackle problems together. Look out for each other

1. This sets you up for a shared approach to welcoming children into your lives.

You are wise to not want children before marrying him. He is not offering any signs that he will care for you or offer you any kind of security.

Run OP. Honesty this sounds like something out of the handmaid's tale, he and his Mum want a baby to share. You fit into his plan as a 'womb'. Tell him you're at different stages in your life and leave him.

I can't imagine anything worse than having a baby whilst living with my MIL.

Yes it's normal to discuss things like children, marriage, living situations - particularly at your ages. What's not normal is him thinking he has the final/only say on everything. I can't see any thing mentioned in your post about why you actually want to be with him. having a baby is the absolute last thing you should 'compromise' on - it's life changing and if you are not totally up for it, it's very unfair on the child.

Reread that post and count the red flags!!! Deffo don't tie yourself to this man!

I told my now DH no marriage = no babies. We had been cohabiting for 4 years and it felt important to me that we were married first. I also didn't invest my money into his property but bought a lovely house which I rent out - we both earn fairly well and so the money from that is just an added bonus but I have my own security should I ever need it.

Please don't get railroaded into something you're not comfortable with OP.

Please don't have a baby with this man. It will not end well. It is so strange. And don't rely on condoms in case you "accidentally" get pregnant. In fact just don't have sex with him ever again.

Run. Run far and run fast. This guy is NOT a good prospect - you could make bunting from the number of red flags popping up.

This is all about what HE wants, when he wants it. Any concession to you is just a sweetener to get you
to comply. He’s willing to ‘compromise’ and marry you in four years, but only after you’ve done as you’re told and produced his baby? Seriously, he can fuck right off -
like all the way off, and then some more. A man who adores you and wants to spend his life with you would be thrilled to marry you, not making begrudging “one day” promises.

You’d literally be mad to agree to any of this. You sound like a clever, sensible woman - your future can be whatever you choose but you definitely deserve so, so much more than this guy.

I’d bet a million pounds that he won’t marry you. Why should he, once he’s manoeuvred you into a vulnerable position of being at home with the baby and his DM - he won’t need the emotional leverage of promising marriage any longer. Then, when you’re stuck doing all of the ‘wife work’ without any of the legal protections of being actually married, you’ll be screwed over if he changes his mind about how his future should look, or if it doesn’t all live up to expectation and his suffers from wandering-dick-syndrome.

My advice is cut yourself free and go off to live your life - do fun things and meet new people, and don’t make any huge life decisions, like having a baby, unless you feel ready and comfortable without the need to be emotionally blackmailed or manipulated.

He probably won’t have much trouble to find a vulnerable woman to fit into his cookie-cutter role of unmarried baby mama and potential carer for his DM.

Two years might feel like a long time in a relationship, but in terms of your whole life it’s not much, so don’t get sucked into the sunk costs fallacy. The damn nerve
of him, using your fertility as a weapon to emotionally manipulate you to do his bidding! If your gut is uncomfortable about aspects of this situation, it’s because it’s trying to tell you something and you should listen. Really listen.

Jeez, don't move in with this guy, he's too selfish to be a good partner/husband/parent. He split up with past partners because HE wasn't ready to have DC, but now HE's decided it has to happen now, what YOU want doesn't come into it. You're under pressure to do it his way because that's all that matter. Fuck that. Be glad you've found out what he's like now and that you're not in any rush to have DC, because that's perfect timing to split up and find something who'll be a real partner to you and not just see you as a womb to be impregnated at his say so - and most likely future faked about marriage.

Ultimately, it will be you carrying a baby and going through pregnancy so if you don’t want to do that then that’s the answer. It sounds like he’s piling a lot of pressure on to get you to fit into his plan rather than you coming up with what you want together.

Don’t have children with him until married and 50/50 with the house. I wouldn’t want MIL basically living with us. He does get a say in when he wants kids, but doesn’t get to pressure you - so if your timings don’t align then it’s just not right. But DO NOT marry a man and have children who wants everything his way and won’t make any compromises.

So this is your future OP - you'll provide him with an heir, end up looking after his mum and put a shed load of money into his dream home whilst you are left with zero, zip, nada financial or emotional recourse or security. If that sounds like a good deal to you, then crack on.