Partner wants a baby - am I not compromising?

[Daisyshine90]

My partner (39 this year) wants a baby but I’m still hesitant (34 this year). He brought up trying for a baby about a year in. I said I wasn’t ready as we weren’t even living together yet. He said some things:

“He’s worried for me that I’ll miss my chance” - surely that’s an emotion I should own?
“He’s worried I’ll never be ready” - I said I wanted children just not right then.
“We both met older - he never wanted to be an old dad” - he worked abroad until he was 35 developing his career. (I have a good career too but he is significantly on more than me.)
Some family might not be around next year” - despite no one being ill at the time he said that.

It dawned on me then that he’s desperate to start a family and it’s felt like a pressure ever since. Are these usual things to discuss?

He has offered his own compromises l:
Right at the start of the dating period he was adamant against marriage. It’s been a regular argument since but I started to accept that it wasn’t going to happen. He broke up with his previous partner because she wanted marriage and children and he didn’t/wasn’t ready at the time for kids. Nearly 2 years in, he said he has been thinking about it and now wants to marry me because he cares for me, knows how important it is to me and is willing to compromise. I asked if he could give me a timeline and he said 3 - 4 years but he wants children first. I responded suspiciously and it ended up in another argument. This was because it was on the back of an argument. Was I being unfair in responding that way?

We still don’t live together but I’ll be moving in soon. He has never seen this as a problem though and thinks it’ll work if I get pregnant now and eventually move in. This just seems absurd to me. Now one of his family members is ill with cancer and I’m worried that’s going to be another pressure.

The pressure is hitting hard. I feel so overwhelmed by it that I can’t even think straight about how I feel because I’m thinking about how he feels. I’ve always wanted a family but the thought of being pregnant makes me incredibly anxious. I wanted it to be a decision together, and the pressure just makes me feel as though it’s not my decision.

This is all combined with me moving into a house he is building. Originally he didn’t want me to have any input (just bills) but then after a while we agreed it’d work emotionally if I put some investment in. But now l, after reading up on it, I don’t feel it’s a good idea (not being married) but he’s certain he wants me to put 50% in. The plan is also for his mother to move in the small build next to it (inevitably she will be helping with ‘childcare’). This was his plan really early on so it has never been something we’ve discussed together. I get on with his mum very well but I just feel decisions are out of my control and I’m just fitting into his jigsaw.

I’ve been diagnosed recently with PTSD due tone sexual trauma and have experienced an abusive relationship in the past. I know these impact how I approach relationships and trusting partners. I love him and we have some wonderful times together. Generally we get on really well. It’s just the pressure of the next big steps.

I don’t have many friends who have families yet, so I am surrounded by single friends. I haven’t really been in a position of a serious relationship/living with someone because of my past. This is all new to me and I feel very naive. Does anyone have any advice? Am I being unreasonable?

Long post but the word “love” from either of you never mentioned- says it all for me - I don’t think having a baby with him is the right thing to do. Sure you want to even move in with him? He sounds very controlling. Good luck.

So he's emotionally blackmailing you by promising marriage if you give him a baby? Please don't fall for this.

I don't see this as you being dismissive of the replies, just helpfully adding more of your own feelings regarding this potential father of your children and about having children at all

I'm surprised how ready people are to advise run for the hills from this man who is seeking to discuss this important joint step for you both, looking at practicalities, feasibility etc.

I hesitate to add any more pressure but please do not assume getting pregnant happens as soon as you start TTC. I only mention this because you have clearly stated you want to have children.

I know a handful of men whose partners did not feel ready for the commitment of children, the men did, having waited awhile, at least 3 gave up and are now happily married with growing families, the women are increasingly desperately seeking a life partner to build a family with as they now feel ready. These people are in the 34 to 39 age group.
You mention the experiences and situations of some of those close to you, just sharing similar from my friends and family group. I am in my mid 30's, married, with 2 young children, very happy and I'm pretty certain some people had their doubts about my then boyfriend, now husband

@Daisyshine90
Not living together, not married, his mother next door. You already have doubts and rightly so, listen to your gut. He wants a surrogate, his mother will raise and you will be out. Oh and minus your 50%.

Read back what you have written and reflect on it and the replies on here.

Just end the relationship.

All you're both doing is finding reasons to fight. And your priorities are elsewhere.

If you were going to last a lifetime, you'd be the most important person/thing/event in each other's lives. You'd be excitedly discussing a future.

One filled with opportunities.

You'll never be a team.

So stop draining yourself with this pointless argument about what your gut instinct tells you is not right.

DO NOT put money into that house unless you are named as a co-owner.

This.

OP I know it’s not what you asked about but if you definitely want children “but not yet” do you think some of the pressure you feel might be from your own biological clock?

All the women in my family found it so easy to have children even in their late 40s so it has been an unpleasant surprise over the last 9 years (since I was 34) for me to find out that the same is not true for me. Have you considered freezing your eggs just in case?

Sorry OP but I'd be running for the hills.
Too much pressure & all on his terms.
Escape while you can. 🏃‍♂️

I already posted about this but it disappeared !

I had lived happily with my partner for over five years. We had a beautiful huge mansion flat in London. Both worked full time in our chosen professions. He desperately wanted me to have a child. I was 25 and not interested but after much persuasion I agreed.
I had the first black eye when I was pregnant and it never stopped. When our daughter was three months old he told me there was no chance he was going out to work to support me and THAT! So I found a child minder and went back to work. I became very adept in using makeup to cover the black eyes but everyone knew what was going on.
I figured once I had paid the child minder I was earning £10 a day. This was in 1986.
He beat me so badly one time he scared himself. He called my father who took me and my daughter home to Wales. (Coincidentally I had my bicycle stolen from outside the flat the same weekend. Two police officers came around to take a statement but took one look at me and put out an APB for my partner for serious DV.)
I was covered in bruises all over my face and body. Unbelievably I let my father talk me out of dropping the charges (You can be provocative J). My partner tried to get me to sign a letter he had printed up saying that I would relinquish my half ownership of the flat. Even I knew that had no legal standing, but I signed it Minnie Mouse (got another shiner for that).
So from the age of four my daughter lived in Wales. He paid zero maintenance for her. I did take some joy out of making him sell the flat. He lived in some right dumps after that.
He was found dead in bed in 2008. He died from Alcoholic Liver Disease.
My daughter is now 38, thriving and has decided she doesn't want children. She is at the top of her profession and travels the world regularly. And she's got a bloody gorgeous, mad about her partner.

Apologies for the long post. I have been with the same loving man for over 30 years now and he's been a better father to my girl than her biological one!

He wants to take your money for a house his Mum is going to move into with you, get you pregnant and dangle marriage in the future as some sort of magical reward? Yeah, NO. Fuck off, mate.

Have you heard of the concept of “crap fitting”? It’s fitting yourself to crap due to PTSD or lack of self esteem. This situation is not desirable or ideal. It’s not what you want but you’re considering fitting yourself to the crappy situation you’re being offered instead of holding out for what you really want. Maybe the trauma of your past is stopping you from trusting your gut now. I think you have to listen to yourself because I think it’s the PTSD that has you questioning your gut instinct to walk away from this man. Because that is what someone without PTSD would do, and walking away from crappy situations is what leads to good life choices and a happy live. Please don’t compromise your standards here. You know this has red flags all over it.

Do not move in with this man, and do not agree to have a baby without being married first if that’s what you want. There are so many red flags here I don’t know where to begin! I don’t think this man is the right man for you, he’s actually being very selfish when in fact you need someone who’s understanding and supportive and more considerate about your feelings. He’s putting you under so much pressure, just run!

Try to project forward to once you have run, Op, as most pp advise. How would you feel? Relieved, free of pressure, lonely, adrift... just worth thinking about. I note you mention you love him and that he is caring, though a poster on here says love is not mentioned.

You say surely you are the one who should 'own the emotion' of possibly leaving it too late but if he cares for you and wishes for you to be the mother of his children he can at least be allowed to express that emotion, imo

If he genuinely wants to marry you, why say he'll do it later? The answer is because he isn't going to do it later.
You can't have everything his way. Remind him how he said he wanted to be a team, when discussing house and finances.
He sounds more interested in your future children and money than in YOU.
I'd seriously think about taking a step back from the relationship and not moving in until you're sure it's right. Don't be pressured.

This. That is all.

You can't have everything his way.

As @PeachyPeachTrees says, he’s trying to control the situation and do everything his way. That’s not how a healthy partnership works, both adults discuss options and make decisions together.

You're not ready to have a child yet, OP, so don’t be pressured into it.

Op speaking as someone who knows.. think very very carefully if this is what you want. The fact you are asking mumsnet suggests you know and are aware of his misgivings. If you were to invest into his property you want a legal declaration of trust drawn up meaning that if the relationship breaks down you will get back what you invested along with any equity in the house. This doesn't apply if you were married. Sounds like he has worked everything out regardless of how you feel. Relationships are about compromise but not so that you feel pressured. I would be looking at marriage then children as I think you know it will never happen if you have a baby first. Do you want a baby with this man or do you just feel pressured? I would reevaluate before making a big decision. Hugs to you OP.

Sounds to me as if he wants a brood mare. Plus 50% of house. Plus his mother looking after child…does she know? Is she well enough for a long time? Does she want to?
Dont love a man who would use you so…he can’t love you.

Sounds to me as if he wants a brood mare. Plus 50% of house
he doesnt want a nurse with a purse, he wants a womb with a wallet!

My ex wanted children he dreamed about them named them all he ever wanted was children

He has two now (with me) he then got the snip left me too it living the life with his third wife

"would he truly leave me to bring up the children if things went bad?" (Paraphrasing your question) Good Lord of course he would! MN is full of posts from people whose exes have done just that!

I'm afraid you're not really listening to the responses but I hope you do.

Red flags all over this one!

Do not agree to conceiving with this man under the current circumstances. You haven't even lived with him yet, and he's extremely vague about his 'commitment' to marriage. Stand firm on everything; having a baby, your concerns about moving in/his mother living in close proximity etc. You have a background of trauma so it's crucial you put your own needs ahead of this, or you risk further emotional turmoil to come.

If you're not ready to leave a baby yet you're not ready. If he walked away from a previous relationship because he didn't want the whole kit and caboodle of marriage and kids, he should be more respectful of your feelings and wishes.