Partner wants a baby - am I not compromising?

[Daisyshine90]

My partner (39 this year) wants a baby but I’m still hesitant (34 this year). He brought up trying for a baby about a year in. I said I wasn’t ready as we weren’t even living together yet. He said some things:

“He’s worried for me that I’ll miss my chance” - surely that’s an emotion I should own?
“He’s worried I’ll never be ready” - I said I wanted children just not right then.
“We both met older - he never wanted to be an old dad” - he worked abroad until he was 35 developing his career. (I have a good career too but he is significantly on more than me.)
Some family might not be around next year” - despite no one being ill at the time he said that.

It dawned on me then that he’s desperate to start a family and it’s felt like a pressure ever since. Are these usual things to discuss?

He has offered his own compromises l:
Right at the start of the dating period he was adamant against marriage. It’s been a regular argument since but I started to accept that it wasn’t going to happen. He broke up with his previous partner because she wanted marriage and children and he didn’t/wasn’t ready at the time for kids. Nearly 2 years in, he said he has been thinking about it and now wants to marry me because he cares for me, knows how important it is to me and is willing to compromise. I asked if he could give me a timeline and he said 3 - 4 years but he wants children first. I responded suspiciously and it ended up in another argument. This was because it was on the back of an argument. Was I being unfair in responding that way?

We still don’t live together but I’ll be moving in soon. He has never seen this as a problem though and thinks it’ll work if I get pregnant now and eventually move in. This just seems absurd to me. Now one of his family members is ill with cancer and I’m worried that’s going to be another pressure.

The pressure is hitting hard. I feel so overwhelmed by it that I can’t even think straight about how I feel because I’m thinking about how he feels. I’ve always wanted a family but the thought of being pregnant makes me incredibly anxious. I wanted it to be a decision together, and the pressure just makes me feel as though it’s not my decision.

This is all combined with me moving into a house he is building. Originally he didn’t want me to have any input (just bills) but then after a while we agreed it’d work emotionally if I put some investment in. But now l, after reading up on it, I don’t feel it’s a good idea (not being married) but he’s certain he wants me to put 50% in. The plan is also for his mother to move in the small build next to it (inevitably she will be helping with ‘childcare’). This was his plan really early on so it has never been something we’ve discussed together. I get on with his mum very well but I just feel decisions are out of my control and I’m just fitting into his jigsaw.

I’ve been diagnosed recently with PTSD due tone sexual trauma and have experienced an abusive relationship in the past. I know these impact how I approach relationships and trusting partners. I love him and we have some wonderful times together. Generally we get on really well. It’s just the pressure of the next big steps.

I don’t have many friends who have families yet, so I am surrounded by single friends. I haven’t really been in a position of a serious relationship/living with someone because of my past. This is all new to me and I feel very naive. Does anyone have any advice? Am I being unreasonable?

This sounds like he is using her as a surrogate! I'm thinking he will get custody as he works from home and has granny for childcare!! I would run a mile from this arrangement. ( his arrangement)

I do not see a single redeeming quality in this dude for what’s written. I would not tie myself to him with a kid.
re- him wanting kids and potentially abandoning them after. Many men want the status of being a father; doesn’t mean they want to do any of the work associated with raising kids.

Might be planning upon booting you out (hence the not having marriage or any financial rights to the house) and keeping any kids for himself and Mummy. Watch out for 'you don't need to work, I'd support you' and suchlike.

There are many fickle men OP.

I think you should tell him that you want to live together for a couple of years before thinking about having a baby and that you want to be married before having a baby also. I'd be very wary of moving into his house and having his mother living on your doorstep. I can see many problems in the future if you allow yourself to be railroaded into his plans. If you want the stability of marriage before starting a family, you need to make it clear this is non-negotiable. If he doesn't agree, you are fundamentally incompatible.

I am so sorry to be the one to point this out (I haven’t read all posts to know if anyone else has too)

i agree with other people that he is manipulating you with his “reasons for wanting to have a baby now”
my gut feeling when I read the original post was: his reasons for manipulating you into a baby now could possibly be so that when the main abuse starts, you will be tethered to him for life by your shared child.

Abusive men want to trap women sometimes by having children, then they manipulate you to stay by making you feel guilty if you split the child’s family up

please please please talk to a professional if possible and tell them what you have told us, this sounds like coercion to me, and I’m scared for you if this relationship turns abusive

Going against the grain here. Fertility decreases rapidly after 35 and after 40 it falls off a cliff. I don’t see why it’s any different a man wanting marriage and kids to a woman wanting it. We would say a man is scared of commitment if it were the other way round.
there’s nothing wrong with knowing what you want in life. If it’s not what you want then yes leave him and let him find someone who wants the same thing as him. You are being selfish stringing him along otherwise.

Please do not breed with this useless specimen, who only sees you as an egg incubator and future child minder.

If you are in any doubt as to his intentions, lay out before him all the associated costs that he would need to pay to compensate you for your loss of earnings and pension contributions.

Then present him with the estimated costs of a nanny or two who would provide wrap around care, so that you can continue working so that he doesn’t have to pay your compensation.

Do not have a child with this man. So many red flags here. There is no demonstration of an equal partnership here. You are an incubator to him. Honestly I’d run. You’ll regret if you don’t.

Leave him and go ahead and buy your own place; you aren't too old to meet someone who loves and cares for you as a partner not an accessory to his planned life. I agree that he would keep his house if you split and any children you have would be shared 50:50.

OP, you could be me at your age... Getting pressured to get pregnant then he'd marry me. We were building a house together too, but as we weren't married, I refused to give him access to my higher income. He owned the land and I said, if we broke up, I'd be making him sell, which I didn't think was fair. I was more than happy to pay my share of costs though not the mortgage. At that point he'd been sponging off me for 4 years, so I didn't feel guilty about that (hindsight is a wonderful thing re the sponging!)

Ended up we broke up. He got married a few years later, had kids, is now divorced. I dodged a bullet as I would have been tied to him and is attitude of "job is a hobby" forever.

I say stick to what is important to you.

In your position I wouldn't go ahead as it seems like he's making all the decisions, it's his house, his mum, his timeline. It should be a partnership. Chances are once you have a baby you will want to do things your way and he might not like that, simultaneously you will have less agency as you won't have the earning power, will rely on his mum for childcare, it will be more difficult to leave.

He's not necessarily a bad person, he just has his life plans laid out and wants you to slot in, but you clearly don't want that so I don't think it's the right relationship.

As for marriage, if you want to be married definitely do it before kids. Kids are more of a commitment so there's no reason to delay 3 years. Plus it's more difficult after kids.

Moving his mum in to do childcare before you've even moved in or got pregnant seems very weird to me

Have you talked any of this through with your therapist OP? If not, then perhaps you should. You actually sound very naive for someone of your age, and from everything you've said, I really don't think you should be in this relationship. I think he's foisting his own agenda on you, and you're simply not ready to settle down again, because of your past experience, so please don't feel obliged to commit to this relationship, as it doesn't sound like it's right for you. That aside, I agree with all of those who have warned you about the numerous red flags.

I know it's the accepted thing for people to live together, have a baby/s, and then get married, but in your situation, my advice to you would be, if you REALLY feel, in spite of everything that you've been warned about, that you want this guy in your life long term, then marry him BEFORE doing ANYTHING else. Live with him for a minimum of 2 years after the wedding, and then if YOU want a baby with him, go ahead and have one, in the knowledge that you have done everything possible to protect yourself and any children you might have. If you marry him, then things fall apart, there is no question that you'd be entitled to your 50% of the house, whereas if you just move in and pay 50% of the mortgage, you could end up battling to get your fair share if things fall apart . If you marry him, and then in the first couple of years things continue to seem good between you, and you don't feel that you're being manipulated into living the life he wants, but are actually living a life that you want and enjoy too, then hopefully you'll be as safe as possible bringing a child into the world together, but until then, you can walk away, maybe a bit battered and bruised emotionally. However, if you have the baby first, then the chances are that you'll end up another single mum, with no security whatsoever from the father of your child, and if things don't work out between you, you could even have to fight him AND his mother, (as it sounds like he's planning on moving her in for child care), for custody of your own child, if he's pushing you to have a baby to his time schedule. TAKE HEED OF THE WARNINGS OP, people are giving you advice here based on their own experiences. Failing to take that advice could cost you dearly!

If he wanted marriage he'd marry her tomorrow, not a vague time slot of 3-4 years time and only after she's produced a child for him. Any woman who risks her body, her career prospects, her financial security for a man who offers no security in terms of having a roof over her head or a share of assets is putting herself in an incredibly vulnerable situation. What if the child has health problems and OP can't go back to work as planned? She won't have the protection in law that marriage gives, and I would put money on it that he won't ever marry her - why would he when he has everything he wants with none of the legal commitments?

There's "going against the grain" and then there's posting as though you've read a completely different thread to everyone else. Have you read OP's updates? The house stuff? His views on marraige? The stuff about his Mum? None of this is ringing alarm bells for you? Yes, fertility decreases with age but TTC with a man you've never lived with is insane, even without all the many other red flags in this situation.

OP says they don't even live together and he wants her to have a baby now, and perhaps move in with him at some later date. Oh yeah, and put all her money into the house he is building, with no guarantee that her name will be on the deeds.

No, no, no, no, no!
Too many red flags, OP.
In order to have a baby together, you need to A. Be sure of him, which, from your post, you’re not, and B. Be fully supported by him, which, again from your post, he isn’t doing.
You are not being treated as an equal in this partnership.

OP, please, the number of CENTURIES that have been wasted trying to fiure out how men think and why they did/said the thing they did/said.

Please do not WASTE your time trying to telepathically bottom out what his thought process is. Centre yourself.

What do you want? How do you see your future? If you imagine a future happy you, are you in a house in the country with a view? A two up, two down in a busy town? Do you have a car outside? A bike? Are you in a city apartment near to your favourite bar/café/cinema? What colour are the walls? Art? Photos?

Are you rushing out with toast in your teeth to get to work on time? Do you have plans this evening? Can you see a lazy weekend morning with bacon and eggs and a good book? Or with a sister/friend/boyfriend over? Are you planning a trip somewhere or having someone come to stay?

Once you've figure out your imagined happy ideal, ask yourself it he fits into it.

Keep an actual written list of "things I would like" - however unlikely they might be in real life right now - and check back in with it to see if he/the situation/where you are generally fits in with what you would like to have in your life.

He's not necessarily a bad person, he just has his life plans laid out and wants you to slot in, but you clearly don't want that so I don't think it's the right relationship
Your definition of bad person doesn't line up with mine then!
This man has chosen her because she is naive and damaged. He's doing all he can to make sure he has everything on his terms so that he can work everything to his advantage.

Yes I agree with the other comments . It sounds like a very bad deal . This man will prove to be a bad apple, controlling wanting it all his way . My husband,s family tried to pressure me in to having a baby but I resisted strongly . He didnt really know and he was such a problem drinker and smoking heavily and never had any money so I thought NO NO & NO WAY ! I loved him and we needed each other but I was not child minded and I am so glad I didnt fall for the brain washing !> Looking back Alleluia ! I was saved from a life where he got everything and I would be landed with a child a husband but no money !!! Me trying to do everything because he was useless, and him down the pub !

The MAN has got broody? Is that even a thing? Don't suppose he'll get much support here though!

I’m sorry OP but he doesn’t feel like the right person for you. You should feel excited about taking this journey together but you clearly feel traumatized by it. If marriage is important to you then I would want the marriage first before the baby. I wouldn’t be happy to compromise as he doesn’t seem to be making any. He wants what he wants and doesn’t seem to be showing any regard towards what is important yo you. He will be the same when you have kids and live together, run now and move on with someone that’s a better fit.

Think very carefully: Do you want a baby? Do you want to marry this man? Do you want his children? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him, or at least the next twenty years? Do you want to live in the same house as him? If you answered any of the questions with a no, or an I don’t know then do not get pregnant. And seriously think about your future together. Being old fashioned I would suggest that if you do decide to have a baby with this man that you get married first. It will show he has the necessary commitment to you, something that is not overwhelmingly apparent from your posts.

I think marriage is more of a commitment than children as we all know or have heard of men who fuck off out of their children's life's and have zero input. A marriage is hard to get out of and expensive. Why else do you think men are happy to knock you up but won't marry you?

Oh OP. You poor thing. Please get professional help and get well.

This man saw you coming. He wants a womban, and someone to pay half his house. It's ALL on his terms. You get NOTHING out of this deal.

Walk away, fast. Keep your career and independence.

There are decent men out there, go find yourself one if you want but leave this crazy situation behind. Hugs to you.