Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husbands ex to **** off?!

237 replies

jdh877 · 30/04/2024 21:49

Hi all,

Cut a long story short. Been with husband 8 years, married for 3. Already have a child together. He has 2 boys from previous relationship. Ex is a horrible piece of work, alcoholic, narcissist, threatened me since day dot. We've always tried to keep things nice for the boys but things took a turn last year when services got involved as she was drinking again. Went from having the kids 80:20, to when social services said she was fit to parent again, she stopped my husband seeing them due to him 'taking them away from her'. She's only allowed him sporadic contact when it suits her. Just to clarify, they were removed as she was blind drunk choking on her vomit when the children came down for breakfast one morning. Social services have said she's fit to parent and need to make application to court. Can't afford a solicitor, or any of the fees due to all our savings being used for therapy for the boys and bridging the gap financially whilst they've been with us majority of the time. CMS took too long to investigate our claims so all this time my husband was still having to pay her maintenance, was warned if he didn't they would deduct from
Wages. Overall, horrible, horrible woman. Horrible horrible situation. Poor kids.

Found out we're unexpectedly pregnant, despite all the shit show of the past year or so, we're delighted. We've experienced loss and infertility so this baby is super special to us.

Obviously we've told the boys, my husband FaceTimes them regularly (when she allows). They were super excited. But obviously now their mum knows...

So tonight I've had an unknown caller calling me a fat whore down the phone (lovely) slurring words obviously.

My husband has had an unknown call telling him that's he's going to pretend he has done unthinkable things to her, that she's going to make sure he ends up in jail, that if that doesn't work she's going to harm me and our children...

I'm genuinely fucking done... I just want to tell her to FUCK OFF. but she's genuinely unhinged and I know it'll turn into something and I haven't got it in me. What the fuck do I do. It was the same with my last baby. She ruined my pregnancy and I just majorly fucking cba. She is the worst person I've ever met. And she's never going away. It's never going to stop.

Police not interested, said she's probably just upset from the news and not counted as harassment as didn't report all past instances. Said it's more of a civil issue but to ring if she turns up to the house. Feel like I'm being failed by everyone. Husband doesn't know what to do, he does everything right and she still comes back with something else.

OP posts:
Turnthelightoff · 30/04/2024 21:52

If she’s obviously drunk dishing out behaviour like that do SS need involvement again?

MississippiAF · 30/04/2024 21:55

Yeah ring SS, she’s not in a fit state to be looking after DC.

Sympathies. We’ve had plenty ex-w nonsense.

Don’t let the bastard get you, remember, that’s exactly what she wants.

Gazelda · 30/04/2024 21:58

I agree with previous posters. Report the messages to social services.

Do the DC have a named social worker that you could have a meeting with to find a way forward to support the children and keep them safe?

I'm appalled that you've been left in such a financial situation. Can you ask CAB to help you resolve the child support mess?

Southeastmumma · 30/04/2024 21:58

This sounds awful. Unfortunately I think you have to log and report every instance from now on. Keep a record. Keep any text messages. How old are the boys?

JunkBasket · 30/04/2024 22:07

Police should get involved if she's made threats to harm

Original poster
jdh877 · 30/04/2024 22:07

Thanks everyone. Boys are 7 and 10 so aware but still little really..

Yes will be back on to social worker tomorrow. Last time she said 'she's allowed to make mistakes' as long as she takes accountability and continues going to her classes 😳 so she's basically allowed to drown herself in several bottles of wine, hurl abuse at me and if I flag it they'll ask her where she's gone wrong and they let it slide. Weird imo. They did say if it becomes reoccurring they can look into it. Tonight is the worst it's ever been. Social worker very much sees her as a 'warrior' who's overcome her problems. Hats off to people successfully battling substance addiction it is something to be really proud of. But she's just fucking lying- and getting away with it. She is vile and I can't believe we're STILL here after 8 years.

OP posts:
BookArt · 01/05/2024 12:39

Get the app on your phones that records phonecalls to gather evidence. Document everything. I suspect with you being pregnant it will continue and escalate, especially when you tell the kids things like the gender, show scan pics. Etc. Feel for you!

chaticat · 01/05/2024 12:43

Keep reporting the instances (though I hope you don't get many). Just keep logging them.

Dexterrolledoffthesofa · 01/05/2024 12:55

Disgusting attitude by the police. They absolutely can, and should, take action.

PineappleTime · 01/05/2024 12:57

It costs £300 to apply to court. Why did your husband return them after they were placed with him?

LittleOwl153 · 01/05/2024 13:02

Your husband needs to go to court. There is no other way. He needs at least 50/50 legally written up with penal order attached if she doesn't comply.

Record everything you/he gets from her and then switch off and enjoy your pregnancy. She is doing this to spite you. Don't let her impact this special time (hard I know!)

Elephantsareace · 01/05/2024 14:06

You don't need a solicitor to go to family court - lots of people DIY it. I think getting regular time 50/50 with the children has got to be a priority for their welfare.

PassingStranger · 01/05/2024 14:08

jdh877 · 30/04/2024 21:49

Hi all,

Cut a long story short. Been with husband 8 years, married for 3. Already have a child together. He has 2 boys from previous relationship. Ex is a horrible piece of work, alcoholic, narcissist, threatened me since day dot. We've always tried to keep things nice for the boys but things took a turn last year when services got involved as she was drinking again. Went from having the kids 80:20, to when social services said she was fit to parent again, she stopped my husband seeing them due to him 'taking them away from her'. She's only allowed him sporadic contact when it suits her. Just to clarify, they were removed as she was blind drunk choking on her vomit when the children came down for breakfast one morning. Social services have said she's fit to parent and need to make application to court. Can't afford a solicitor, or any of the fees due to all our savings being used for therapy for the boys and bridging the gap financially whilst they've been with us majority of the time. CMS took too long to investigate our claims so all this time my husband was still having to pay her maintenance, was warned if he didn't they would deduct from
Wages. Overall, horrible, horrible woman. Horrible horrible situation. Poor kids.

Found out we're unexpectedly pregnant, despite all the shit show of the past year or so, we're delighted. We've experienced loss and infertility so this baby is super special to us.

Obviously we've told the boys, my husband FaceTimes them regularly (when she allows). They were super excited. But obviously now their mum knows...

So tonight I've had an unknown caller calling me a fat whore down the phone (lovely) slurring words obviously.

My husband has had an unknown call telling him that's he's going to pretend he has done unthinkable things to her, that she's going to make sure he ends up in jail, that if that doesn't work she's going to harm me and our children...

I'm genuinely fucking done... I just want to tell her to FUCK OFF. but she's genuinely unhinged and I know it'll turn into something and I haven't got it in me. What the fuck do I do. It was the same with my last baby. She ruined my pregnancy and I just majorly fucking cba. She is the worst person I've ever met. And she's never going away. It's never going to stop.

Police not interested, said she's probably just upset from the news and not counted as harassment as didn't report all past instances. Said it's more of a civil issue but to ring if she turns up to the house. Feel like I'm being failed by everyone. Husband doesn't know what to do, he does everything right and she still comes back with something else.

Grow up how will swearing at her help?Keep calm and business like. Be better than that. Don't stoop that low.

Iamtheoneinten · 01/05/2024 15:26

Well her behaviour can't be excused. And if she is endangering the children then someone needs to intervene for their sakes regardless of anything else. But context might help posters to understand the wider situation. Her youngest is 7 but you and your DH have been together for 8 years?

Beezknees · 01/05/2024 15:28

Report to SS absolutely.

I'll be honest though, I don't see how you can afford another child but not a solicitor.

CharlotteLucas3 · 01/05/2024 15:56

Beezknees · 01/05/2024 15:28

Report to SS absolutely.

I'll be honest though, I don't see how you can afford another child but not a solicitor.

Are you always this helpful?🙄🙄🙄

littlenickyy61 · 01/05/2024 16:09

Record all phone conversations and keep a diary of events . Next time she calls and is obviously drunk phone police to do a welfare check on the children. Your husband needs to email or text
to outline the contact he would like and if she denies contact this will count against her in court - parental alienation is taken very seriously . Evidence of her denying contact is important. You can self represent at court . Cafcass will get involved and visit both households and make a report on what they recommend . Cafcass will not be ‘on the side’ of either parent they are there to advocate for the children . If she’s drinking again and picking the children up from school over the limit in the car you may need to flag this with school . Friend had a similar situation with his ex and school actually had to take car keys off her at pick up time as she was obviously drunk. Good luck and try to keep all communication in a written form that can be used as evidence as video and voice messages are usually not allowed to be used in family court situations

asbigasablueberry · 01/05/2024 17:09

littlenickyy61 · 01/05/2024 16:09

Record all phone conversations and keep a diary of events . Next time she calls and is obviously drunk phone police to do a welfare check on the children. Your husband needs to email or text
to outline the contact he would like and if she denies contact this will count against her in court - parental alienation is taken very seriously . Evidence of her denying contact is important. You can self represent at court . Cafcass will get involved and visit both households and make a report on what they recommend . Cafcass will not be ‘on the side’ of either parent they are there to advocate for the children . If she’s drinking again and picking the children up from school over the limit in the car you may need to flag this with school . Friend had a similar situation with his ex and school actually had to take car keys off her at pick up time as she was obviously drunk. Good luck and try to keep all communication in a written form that can be used as evidence as video and voice messages are usually not allowed to be used in family court situations

Really good advice.

Deathbyfluffy · 01/05/2024 17:12

Beezknees · 01/05/2024 15:28

Report to SS absolutely.

I'll be honest though, I don't see how you can afford another child but not a solicitor.

Crikey, with advice like this it’s amazing people are sometimes hesitant posting isn’t it 😆

TisButThyName · 01/05/2024 17:17

I'd phone the police and ask them to do a welfare check on the boys as the mother is clearly drunk and this is a huge safeguarding issue.

WearyAuldWumman · 01/05/2024 17:18

Gazelda · 30/04/2024 21:58

I agree with previous posters. Report the messages to social services.

Do the DC have a named social worker that you could have a meeting with to find a way forward to support the children and keep them safe?

I'm appalled that you've been left in such a financial situation. Can you ask CAB to help you resolve the child support mess?

Maybe have a recorder to hand for any telephone calls too?

ETA I see that others have already suggested this.

Andthereyougo · 01/05/2024 17:27

littlenickyy61 · 01/05/2024 16:09

Record all phone conversations and keep a diary of events . Next time she calls and is obviously drunk phone police to do a welfare check on the children. Your husband needs to email or text
to outline the contact he would like and if she denies contact this will count against her in court - parental alienation is taken very seriously . Evidence of her denying contact is important. You can self represent at court . Cafcass will get involved and visit both households and make a report on what they recommend . Cafcass will not be ‘on the side’ of either parent they are there to advocate for the children . If she’s drinking again and picking the children up from school over the limit in the car you may need to flag this with school . Friend had a similar situation with his ex and school actually had to take car keys off her at pick up time as she was obviously drunk. Good luck and try to keep all communication in a written form that can be used as evidence as video and voice messages are usually not allowed to be used in family court situations

This. 100%.
Record everything.

Kat200669 · 01/05/2024 18:28

his son is 7 and you've been together 8 years? I'd pay the £300 court fee. In a realistic world, if he can't afford a £300 court fee, how will you afford another child, maintenance and what happens if her behaviour escalates and kids are taken off her? Can he afford to house them all? We had a siblings children for 2.5 years due to her 'habits' she went full circle and got her act together and now we are back into he same situation. They need permanently removed and the best option is family. The police 100% should be taking this seriously. Record her calls

TakeOnFlea · 01/05/2024 18:29

Some people just can't get over the hurt caused when an OW comes along and their world is turned upside down. Especially with babies that young.

She shouldn't be looking after the kids in that state so their dad should be calling social services and also fighting for more custody of his children. He sounds fucking dreadful too.

Elephantsareace · 01/05/2024 18:43

Oh hang on, yes the dates, you were initially having an affair.

Agree the children need to be safe but have some sympathy for the poor woman whose life was blown apart by you and your husband. Stop calling her names and recognise the role you both played in this shit storm. Of course she's angry.