To tell my husbands ex to **** off?!

[jdh877]

Hi all,

Cut a long story short. Been with husband 8 years, married for 3. Already have a child together. He has 2 boys from previous relationship. Ex is a horrible piece of work, alcoholic, narcissist, threatened me since day dot. We've always tried to keep things nice for the boys but things took a turn last year when services got involved as she was drinking again. Went from having the kids 80:20, to when social services said she was fit to parent again, she stopped my husband seeing them due to him 'taking them away from her'. She's only allowed him sporadic contact when it suits her. Just to clarify, they were removed as she was blind drunk choking on her vomit when the children came down for breakfast one morning. Social services have said she's fit to parent and need to make application to court. Can't afford a solicitor, or any of the fees due to all our savings being used for therapy for the boys and bridging the gap financially whilst they've been with us majority of the time. CMS took too long to investigate our claims so all this time my husband was still having to pay her maintenance, was warned if he didn't they would deduct from
Wages. Overall, horrible, horrible woman. Horrible horrible situation. Poor kids.

Found out we're unexpectedly pregnant, despite all the shit show of the past year or so, we're delighted. We've experienced loss and infertility so this baby is super special to us.

Obviously we've told the boys, my husband FaceTimes them regularly (when she allows). They were super excited. But obviously now their mum knows...

So tonight I've had an unknown caller calling me a fat whore down the phone (lovely) slurring words obviously.

My husband has had an unknown call telling him that's he's going to pretend he has done unthinkable things to her, that she's going to make sure he ends up in jail, that if that doesn't work she's going to harm me and our children...

I'm genuinely fucking done... I just want to tell her to FUCK OFF. but she's genuinely unhinged and I know it'll turn into something and I haven't got it in me. What the fuck do I do. It was the same with my last baby. She ruined my pregnancy and I just majorly fucking cba. She is the worst person I've ever met. And she's never going away. It's never going to stop.

Police not interested, said she's probably just upset from the news and not counted as harassment as didn't report all past instances. Said it's more of a civil issue but to ring if she turns up to the house. Feel like I'm being failed by everyone. Husband doesn't know what to do, he does everything right and she still comes back with something else.

I was betrayed and deserted when my child was 7 months old, it is utterly crushing. I am not in anyway defending the ex-wife's behaviour but oh, do I understand where it is coming from. I always tried very hard to be controlled with my ex and the woman he cheated on me with. I did this for the sake of our child but it was very very hard. Sometimes I did end up screaming abuse at them. I am not proud of it, I regret it, but I was pushed beyond endanrance sometimes. You are so vulnerable when you are pregnant or a new mum. Personally I could not even entertain the idea of having an affair with a man who has a pregnant partner which is what it seems has happened here.

Absolutely true.

Many of us have been left with young child/ren and don't turn into abusive alcoholics.

Alcohol is a beast of a drug, and social services must have had serious concerns to have been involved.

It's the poor children I feel sorry for here.

It must be incredibly tough for them living with an angry alcoholic- plus the risk of her dying {vomit aspiration}.

No easy answers.

But...surely therapy is provided by NHS for free, if it is deemed necessary for the children?

@jdh877

Well it won't have helped matters alcoholic issues etc,
her ex @jdh877 husband now was playing away from home, with Op,

Bloody hell 😳 no wonder she has gone bat shit and is raging with fury and swear words etc..

What did you both expect only yourselves to blame there...

Can't afford a solicitor, or any of the fees due to all our savings being used for therapy for the boys and bridging the gap financially whilst they've been with us majority of the time.

To be honest, I don't believe for one second that you can't afford to take this further, those boys should be your husbands priority right now to make sure they are being adequately cared for, and to put a court order in place for contact if necessary.

You wanting to tell her to 'fuck off' and that she's 'ruining your pregnancy' is just ridiculously juvenile and self centred when there are two boys supposedly suffering because of her alcohol abuse, and you expect people to believe you can't scrape together a few hundred quid to get the ball rolling on contact being re-instated?

This is one of those threads when taking an opening post at face value lends a sympathetic bias towards an op, when in fact this whole sorry shit show for a bunch of kids was caused by her and her cheating husband in the first place. Poor kids. All of them.

Unless I'm missing something, I don't think OP will want to report to social services, as I don't think she wants the children to end up with the father in their home. Especially since she's expecting her second. She just wants the ex to fuck off. She also doesn't seem to too bothered by her husband's lack of physical contact with his sons. There's something off about this whole situation, especially since OP looks like the OW who has caused a lot of anguish to the ex.

Wow, some people on this thread are unbelievably judgemental. You don't actually know the full story. You've just made a load of assumptions based on pretty much nothing. Now apparently the "truth" is that OP tore apart a wonderful happy family and sent the ex into a spiral of alcoholism and narcissism. Does that not seem a tad... unlikely? I do not know what it would take to make me abuse my children, but it would be more than my partner having an affair, no matter how painful.

What I do wonder is why the husband is not going to court to sort this all out and protect his kids.

@taylorswift1989 You don't think it's also strange that OP never came back since yesterday as soon as someone pointed out the math?

As for the ex's unhealthy coping. We don't all handle loss and grief the same way. some handle it better than others.

It looks like the OP isn't coming back?
I'm not saying what has transpired in the past between OP, her DH, and his Ex is irrelevant or insignificant. Of course it is, but we're possibly not going to be told.
What matters above all else right now is the welfare of these two young boys.
I'm an ex social worker - I left in the mid 90's so things will have changed a lot since then, enormously maybe.
From what I know from this thread, and cases I read and hear about in the media, it seems apparent that the bar concerning child abuse/neglect/safeguarding has been set a lot higher than it was when I was in practice.
I'm appalled that these boys are still living with their mother, regardless of how and why she has descended into such a dark place.
The SW wanting to believe their mother is doing her best is unfortunately a common theme. In the early days of my career, when I was naive and idealistic, I too wanted this to be true, but often it wasn't.
Removing children from an unfit parent's care is not to be undertaken lightly, but sometimes it's the only way the children are going to be cared for emotionally and physically.
I can clearly remember 3 cases where children in similar situations to this were removed from the parent, and this should be happening here. In 2 cases the children went to live with the other parent via an official court order.
But maybe other factors are at play now, like SW staff shortages, local authorities' budgets being cut and taking children into care is expensive?
But these boys' needs are currently not being given priority, and they should be.

I think that people playing detective with posts like this do harm. There are two little kids who are likely being abused. But now OP can't get any advice about how to help them because a bunch of people think it's more important to shame and blame her for a supposed affair. What good is being achieved by that? So you've made a woman feel like shit, well done. What a great achievement, what a wonderful contribution to the world.

@taylorswift1989 There's no detective work involved. The ages of the children and duration of their relationship is what the OP posted. The OP not coming back is also evident. Are we not supposed to take posts at face value? Strange that you call what the OP herself presented as detective work, when the OP herself hasn't refuted it.

No one has made her feel shit. She says she isn't going to court. She didn't express any interest in going back to social services. She wants the ex to fuck off. So then that's what she should do.

I think that people playing detective with posts like this do harm. There are two little kids who are likely being abused. But now OP can't get any advice about how to help them because a bunch of people think it's more important to shame and blame her for a supposed affair. What good is being achieved by that? So you've made a woman feel like shit, well done. What a great achievement, what a wonderful contribution to the world.

Some really horrible people here, sadly. Smug sad little lives.

But @EasternEcho Who gives a fuck if she was the OW? Why is that more important than the two kids in the situation?

Of course OP isn't going to come back to be abused by a bunch of strangers. Would you? Whether it's true or not.

@taylorswift1989 I think you are picking on the wrong person to have this argument. I wasn't one of those who picked on OP about whatever happened in the past. I merely replied to your comment when you said it was "unlikely". Which in itself is detective work on your part.

What I did point out in my one previous post on this thread is that people are focusing on protecting the children, which is, as you pointed out, the priority. But the OP did not seek advice on the children. She simply wants the ex to fuck off and not ruin her pregnancy. She has already stated she won't go to court regarding the kids. So going on about protecting the kids isn't what the OP is interested in or came here to talk about.

As for your original post about everyone else being judgemental about the OP, you seem to be quite judgemental about me and other posters as well.

OP doesn't want advice about how to help the children, it was all about her and her pregnancy.

As for your original post about everyone else being judgemental about the OP, you seem to be quite judgemental about me and other posters as well.

Yes, I am judgemental about people who are more interested in shaming and blaming a woman for her past mistakes than trying to help support two isolated and likely abused kids. Absolutely 100% happy to make the judgement that it's more important to have the conversation that may lead to the kids being better protected than it is to treat the OP like she's in some kind of witch trial.

If you've not been doing that then great. Plenty have, though.

But that support is not what OP asked for.

I’d record her on the phone and go back to social services. If what you are saying is all true and she is drinking again she is not fit to have the kids. Really your husband needs full custody awarded by court.. feel very very sorry for her children.

Although she is very much a warrior.

So what? She didn't ask to be shamed for being the ow either, but that didn't stop anyone.

Tbf, some pp have made suggestions about what OP can do to better protect the kids, so hopefully that has got through.

Your husbands is sort you to blame here . He should be fighting for the boys , he should be contacting the school , the children GP , social services until he was heard .
As per now what I would I do was report every issue straight away and request a safeguard check in the children since she is drink so clearly unable to care for them . Please get the kids out

Yeah yeah yeah… and we ALL read the OP. No need to bloody quote it!

This.

Really necessary? Come on.