To tell my husbands ex to **** off?!

[jdh877]

Hi all,

Cut a long story short. Been with husband 8 years, married for 3. Already have a child together. He has 2 boys from previous relationship. Ex is a horrible piece of work, alcoholic, narcissist, threatened me since day dot. We've always tried to keep things nice for the boys but things took a turn last year when services got involved as she was drinking again. Went from having the kids 80:20, to when social services said she was fit to parent again, she stopped my husband seeing them due to him 'taking them away from her'. She's only allowed him sporadic contact when it suits her. Just to clarify, they were removed as she was blind drunk choking on her vomit when the children came down for breakfast one morning. Social services have said she's fit to parent and need to make application to court. Can't afford a solicitor, or any of the fees due to all our savings being used for therapy for the boys and bridging the gap financially whilst they've been with us majority of the time. CMS took too long to investigate our claims so all this time my husband was still having to pay her maintenance, was warned if he didn't they would deduct from
Wages. Overall, horrible, horrible woman. Horrible horrible situation. Poor kids.

Found out we're unexpectedly pregnant, despite all the shit show of the past year or so, we're delighted. We've experienced loss and infertility so this baby is super special to us.

Obviously we've told the boys, my husband FaceTimes them regularly (when she allows). They were super excited. But obviously now their mum knows...

So tonight I've had an unknown caller calling me a fat whore down the phone (lovely) slurring words obviously.

My husband has had an unknown call telling him that's he's going to pretend he has done unthinkable things to her, that she's going to make sure he ends up in jail, that if that doesn't work she's going to harm me and our children...

I'm genuinely fucking done... I just want to tell her to FUCK OFF. but she's genuinely unhinged and I know it'll turn into something and I haven't got it in me. What the fuck do I do. It was the same with my last baby. She ruined my pregnancy and I just majorly fucking cba. She is the worst person I've ever met. And she's never going away. It's never going to stop.

Police not interested, said she's probably just upset from the news and not counted as harassment as didn't report all past instances. Said it's more of a civil issue but to ring if she turns up to the house. Feel like I'm being failed by everyone. Husband doesn't know what to do, he does everything right and she still comes back with something else.

Oh bullshit.

Affair or OW is irrelevant. And may I point out that the DP and ex in this story may have split before finding out about the pregnancy? Or in the early stages of pregnancy? Should the DP have remained single forever to keep Ex happy?

1. Your DP needs to either find the money or self represent for access or residency of the children. Only a bad father would not do this. Reconsider your pregnancy and partnership if he doesn’t because this will affect you at some stage in your life with him.
2. Record everything. Voice calls, emails, texts. Everything. Create a running log for your own use with times and dates and details and transcripts. Then it is already ready to go and can be given immediately to anyone who needs it.
3. Report everything to everyone. Police and Social services. I’m (slightly) surprised they ignored your first report. But if they see it as a one off, it isn’t harassment. Report everything so they can see it is ongoing harassment.

Wow, lots of people pitching their tents on the moral high ground here without actually knowing anything.

@jdh877
next time this happens ring the police fur a welfare Check on the children explain due to her history your concerned she's highly intoxicated and and not ina for state to care for them.

Also if your husband is on the chickens night certs he can collect them from school and refuse to return them and then she has to go to court. Social services can advise your husband to return them to their mother but not enforce this. It costs £100 for a court application to represent yourself ( UK) ring your nearest family court and they will give you free legal advice x

This is great advice.

Hang on though - how do those dates stack up?? You’ve been together 8 years but he has a 7 year old with her?

so you've been together 8 years, but his youngest child is 7?????

What aren't you telling us?

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive"

Regardless of how you two lovebirds came to be, id be recording every message etc. It almost sounds like harassment or stalking.

@Beezknees is not wrong for questioning how the father can have children struggling with an incompetent mother, unable to afford the fee for a court application, but still be reproducing. He has more present and urgent matters to resolve.

As for people being sidetracked by OP’s affair / not- this woman is an unfit mother who , if not endangering her children, may go to jail if she continues this behaviour. The children are the relevant factors here and if she’s still unable to function in her capacity as a mother, she should give the children to their father.

Dates stacking up is irrelevant now. I wonder where the children were while she’s slurring and making vile threats?

Does this really matter? Surely the ex wife's awful behaviour is the main problem

Who cares

Nothing excuses her behaviour and the suffering of the boys.

However, youngest boy is seven and you’ve been together eight years. Did he leave her, pregnant, for you? Not an excuse but might slightly explain some of her intensely negative feelings towards you.

*Hadn’t refreshed. People spotted the same.

Absolutely ridiculous the police didn't take this seriously. She's drunk and unstable not a good combination! Document everything! Maybe see a solicitor. I hope this stops for all of your sakes so you can all enjoy your pregnancy and lives.

You need to go to court to get this sorted rather than accept that he just doesn’t see them. Borrow the money for the fee if you need to.
You also need to tell social services about the drinking. Record if possible and write down every incident. Don’t tell her to fuck off - she has a serious problem and she’s their mother. It won’t make you look good.
I am not sure about the maths with the 7 yo and the being together 8 years but it sounds like it wasn’t a case of them having separated for a while before you came along. Which doesn’t justify the vile behaviour but it does offer an explanation for it.

I also wouldn’t have told the boys via face time about the pregnancy. That’s not appropriate and you knew the mum would be listening to the call or at least find out straight away. You could have done it in a much more tactful and sensitive way.

concerning that your DH just seems to accept ah well I can’t see my kids, after having been their main carer for quite a while and makes do with FaceTime when she allows it. It doesn’t make him look like dad of the year really.

It should be easier to stop women like this taking their child's money and buying drink etc with it but as she's the 'mother' she gets an easier ride.

I'd get an app to record my phone calls from her. When she does ring up drunk, I'd ask police to do a welfare check on the children because she's called up drunk, every single time. I would also report this to social services.

Why is the father of the children not fighting more to take them away from an alcoholic mother? Can't afford a solicitor but bringing another child to the world🤨

How are you going to manage if he gets the kids most of the time?

Looks like those 2 kids will be 'forgotten' while he plays happy families again.

I would email the police and social services, and copy in your MP. There’s a very real danger of harm to you and your family. The MP can’t ignore the potential for this to escalate and another big news story of how you came to be harmed due to the lack of action by the authorities. But you do seem to be focussing on anger due to her spoiling your pregnancy rather than concern of her actually following through with her threats to harm. Sounds scarey situation.

I'm afraid I'm always a bit wary of men who have terrible exes but "cant" afford to do what's needed to protect their children. As PP said court costs are £300.

Can you really accept a situation where it's not possible to do whatever it tales to get the children away from this, for the sake of a few hundred pounds?

I'm not saying it's not a terrible situation to be in, it must be awful for everyone, but to give up? Will he give up on your children when they need him most?

I'm afraid I'm always a bit wary of men who have terrible exes but "cant" afford to do what's needed to protect their children. As PP said court costs are £300.

Yes, me too. And OP is complaining about the costs of having the children the majority of the time, as if that's not a pretty default situation, especially when one parent is unfit. Would they be happy with the kids gone most of the time if it were possible?

Ex is clearly unfit and I'm surprised the police aren't interested as her behaviour is unacceptable, but as people have said, if the dates are accurate then there would seem to be some missing parts to the picture here. Whatever the truth of the situation, I can't see her fucking off just because you told her to.

It doesn't matter in terms of the current treatment of the children or the fact that their father needs to try harder to protect them, but it might well explain her breakdown.

Presumably she wasn't a nasty alcoholic when this star of a man had 2 DC with her?

The ex will no doubt be delighted to learn that when you have your new child, the amount of CMS she is due will reduce (by about 15% I think).

What a mess.

So, from the timings you've given, you're the OW and you and DH were having an affair while his then-wife was pregnant with their child. Then he left her with 2 young children to be with you longer term. Now she is expected to co-parent with her ex and the OW. And, she has to cope with knowing that there is a risk of her losing custody of her children and having them go back to live with her ex and the OW. That's a lot for her to 'get over'. Rather than thinking "she's vile", it might help you keep your cool if you can think that she's in a horrible situation, so it's understandable that she'll be upset and not the easiest person to get along with. This isn't a case of an amicable separation and then a new blended family / co-parenting set-up developing years later. She almost certainly won't just 'get over' this or change how she feels, so it's a case of understanding her behaviour, having coping strategies in place, and managing it.

If she's intoxicated and responsible for the children, contact police and social work. If she's wasted, then she can't keep young children safe. Do this every time - even if the police/SW don't do anything the first few times, it builds up a pattern of evidence.

Record and document everything. This is your evidence for any harassment/stalking/other legal case. It's also reflective of her state of mind and fitness to parent if the children are having to see and hear things like verbal abuse and threats to harm their other caregivers. Get legal advice, show it to the police, show it to SW. This is evidence for your custody case too.

Get a legally confirmed custody / child contact arrangement organised. Get legal advice and representation if you need it. A few hundred or even thousand pounds on legal input is worth it, to protect your DH's children. If you'd do it for your child, he should do it for his.

If his ex-wife can't be relied upon to use your personal contact details respectfully, then she needs to not have them, so that you aren't living with stress every time your personal phone rings. Get a 'work phone' which is used solely for communication between DH and her, and give her that number. Either change your personal numbers or block her number. Then, any inappropriate calls are only going to that phone, so you can mentally prepare for it and even mute it if needed. Similarly, get a 'work email' to be used for co-parenting.

So police only considered harassment, not that the kids might not be safe?

Shocking!

When did her alcohol problems begin, not long after she was left by her husband for the OW and left to look after a young child while pregnant/2 young children?

So she has a drink when the two DCs are in bed?

Your DH and you are either neglectful parents/step parents or liars and exaggerating.

One or the other.