To tell my husbands ex to **** off?!

[jdh877]

Hi all,

Cut a long story short. Been with husband 8 years, married for 3. Already have a child together. He has 2 boys from previous relationship. Ex is a horrible piece of work, alcoholic, narcissist, threatened me since day dot. We've always tried to keep things nice for the boys but things took a turn last year when services got involved as she was drinking again. Went from having the kids 80:20, to when social services said she was fit to parent again, she stopped my husband seeing them due to him 'taking them away from her'. She's only allowed him sporadic contact when it suits her. Just to clarify, they were removed as she was blind drunk choking on her vomit when the children came down for breakfast one morning. Social services have said she's fit to parent and need to make application to court. Can't afford a solicitor, or any of the fees due to all our savings being used for therapy for the boys and bridging the gap financially whilst they've been with us majority of the time. CMS took too long to investigate our claims so all this time my husband was still having to pay her maintenance, was warned if he didn't they would deduct from
Wages. Overall, horrible, horrible woman. Horrible horrible situation. Poor kids.

Found out we're unexpectedly pregnant, despite all the shit show of the past year or so, we're delighted. We've experienced loss and infertility so this baby is super special to us.

Obviously we've told the boys, my husband FaceTimes them regularly (when she allows). They were super excited. But obviously now their mum knows...

So tonight I've had an unknown caller calling me a fat whore down the phone (lovely) slurring words obviously.

My husband has had an unknown call telling him that's he's going to pretend he has done unthinkable things to her, that she's going to make sure he ends up in jail, that if that doesn't work she's going to harm me and our children...

I'm genuinely fucking done... I just want to tell her to FUCK OFF. but she's genuinely unhinged and I know it'll turn into something and I haven't got it in me. What the fuck do I do. It was the same with my last baby. She ruined my pregnancy and I just majorly fucking cba. She is the worst person I've ever met. And she's never going away. It's never going to stop.

Police not interested, said she's probably just upset from the news and not counted as harassment as didn't report all past instances. Said it's more of a civil issue but to ring if she turns up to the house. Feel like I'm being failed by everyone. Husband doesn't know what to do, he does everything right and she still comes back with something else.

I think the DCs are perfectly safe and she is pissed off.
A little forward thinking might help. As a pp said, Karma.

Yes and OP already told ex to "**off" when she slept with her husband while she was carrying their baby.

But OP won't be back.

That's what I thought. Just because she was pregnant when OP and her DH got together doesn't mean it was an affair. Although he's obviously moved on pretty quicky. There was only 4 months between my DH splitting with his ex and seeing me, although for him the relationship had been dead for a long time. Thankfully no pregnancy in my case.

OP how often do you have the children at the moment? It's not very clear what the current arrangement is. I know if my DH was in this situation he would just be keeping the kids and letting her take him to court. No way would be better leaving them with a drunk constantly.

I suggest next time he has contact he keeps the children. Even if there's a COA in place he has good reason to be going against it. I've heard plenty of stories of mother's breaking COAs and refusing access just out of spite and there's no repercussions. He then needs to apply to court which costs £232 and he can self represent.

I would continue to log police reports and record calls. Make sure you state that you are recording the call. Keep a diary of everything.

Report every single incident. People like that are unhinged, and to be around children is just terrifying.

Report. Every. Incident. Every call, every remark, everything. Eventually it may be enough for a barring order at the very least.

Just because she was pregnant when OP and her DH got together doesn't mean it was an affair

you're clutching at straws there....

OP not been back?

those poor children need to be as far away from this toxic woman as possible. Thank goodness they have a nice dad, stepmom and brother (soon two) on their side.

I think your focus on your 'spoiled' pregnancy is all wrong. How can either you or your Dh feel joy about another baby when his two sons are in such a dangerous situation? If he doesn't make getting custody of those poor boys his number one priority then he's not a fit father for them or for your own babies. Both of you need to stop thinking of yourselves and think of them.

Who've given up on them for the sake for a few hundred pounds, whilst continuing to have more children? That's going to make their future therapists a good living anyway.

It all sounds very messy.

She is holding onto the break up, and hurt of being left pregnant and with a toddler. But taking to the bottle is hurting her children and they need to be the priority here.

You having a blow out at her will not improve the situation. If she has been given the children most of the time SS must be pretty happy or surely DH would be the one with the children.

So she has a drink when the two DCs are in bed?

I think the DCs are perfectly safe and she is pissed off.

Are we reading the same thread? 🤔

OP says the kids found her blind drunk and choking on her own vomit in the morning.

💯💯💯 she is a known alcoholic but she is being allowed to keep the kids from the father?. Dad can't afford to court for access but can afford a new baby?. Still paying child support when the kids are in your care?. Sounds like a lot of excuses!

All sounds a bit far fetched to me.

Exactly!. They don't really care that they don't have access to the kids only that she is disturbing their pregnancy!

Poor Poor husband did everything right apparently 😒

A nice dad and stepmum? You're having a laugh surely? A dad who left when the ex was pregnant, with a very young child, or when the ex had a young child and a months old baby, and a stepmum who was happy to get with a man who should've been concentrating on his tiny baby, or baby that was due imminently? A pair of morally corrupt shits in my opinion.

But the problematic behaviour is more understandable and excusable when you realise the OP destroyed her life. On the other hand, the OP’s attitude is somewhat less than self aware and the least she could do is show a little tolerance for her victim.

Making a rod for your own back springs to mind.

I’m not sure she feels like she getting an easy ride after OP fucked her husband and broke up her family.

But I may be wrong and and a couple of quid a week in child support (which is far less than her DH would have been contributing as part of the nuclear family) more than makes up for your life being stolen by another woman.

Ok, you need to have a record of this.

Tell your midwife about the threats you received, ask your partner to go to the GP and explain how the stress is affecting him. You may not need additional help but you will need that in record if she does carry out with the threats in the future or to get a non molestation order.

if you don’t have money to go to court, the police should have pointed you to charities that could help you get one. But even if you are not prepared to go into this battle at this time, make sure that you start a record of her behaviour (Like: “Sunday DDMMYY: call received with threats including xyz” note, it is just about facts, don’t include your interpretation of her behaviour, just the facts). This will help you not to be ignored, both police and courts want to see a pattern of behaviour, isolated incidents are more likely to be ignored.

Call social Services and explain the situation. They absolutely know that a new pregnancy can throw a vulnerable ex spouse into a crisis and put the children at risk. Obviously, tell them about the threats as well. They will tell you they can’t do anything, but insist you want your concern recorded as you would hold them accountable if the children get hurt while they were waiting for the “fit mum” to do something that shows she is not that “fit”.

Personally, if I were you and after having to deal with deranged exes, I would put myself and expected baby first:

Take step back out of this drama, don’t answer calls from numbers you don’t recognise.

Let your partner deal with the situation, do NOT get involved at all. if he cannot sort her out or sort the situation with his own children himself, there is fuck all you can do, honest, it is not in your hands.

What I have found with people like this is that if you show them you are fine giving them what they want, they would ask for exactly the opposite. Chances are she is will start pushing for him to increase contact once she realises that you are not fighting for the kids anymore. In the meantime, let your partner reassure the kids they are loved very much and that he is always there at the end of the phone line if they need him, obviously, if she does something that hurts the children or put them at risk he needs to go and pick them up straight away. Could he report to the police if she is drunk while taking care of the children?

That was my point.

Obviously made badly.

oops sorry @diddl

Record the call and report them every time. You need evidence.

She's emotionally abusing them social services take it seriously. Report her she shouldn't have them back full time.

Someone has already giving her an out if she was having an affair.

Come on OP we want to know

I think you already know.

you have to get that lawyer and you have to report EVERY instance of harassment. Especially anything harming the children. Be careful not to coach them, just encourage them to talk to the cops/social worker.

yes it’s expensive and hard and annoying. But it will get her out of your lives or a proper boundary, and save you money in the long run.

for contex on how reluctant they are to restrict parents from their children. I have a friend, her husband beat her to a bloody pulp multiple times. She reported, got all the documents, restraining order, divorced. He still gets too see kids because kids never had any evidence on them. Kids were old enough they begged not to have to see him, but not old enough to choose. Scumbag quits his job and does only under the table work for cash so he doesn’t have to pay support. One day, (and this happened a couple times) school sends home something with her address (rental) beats her up again. They have to move again. Still kids have to see him.

he leaves kids in car in summer for six hours, oldest gets help, calls mom, calls cops, nope still they must stay with him. Oldest develops diabetes, type one. Well managed with mom. Dad doesn’t believe in diabetes, so kiddo lands in hospital MULTIPLE TIMES. Still have to see dad. He still hasn’t left a big enough mark on them.

anyway. One day at work he falls over dead. And no one misses him. Never lost his rights to the kids.

His lawyer was very good. And you need to get a lawyer.