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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Parents and DH feud

637 replies

eveningqueen456 · 29/04/2024 21:51

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

OP posts:

SpeedyDrama · 29/04/2024 22:06

there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

Well of course there is, your husband is Scrooge - sucking the life and fun out of any event that cost more than a half penny and tap water it seems. Why on earth have you let him get away with being such a miser about your parents way of enjoying themselves? He genuinely thought he had a right to dictate where your dad had his birthday meal and has sulked since? Honestly I don’t see how you find this man attractive, especially now foot stomping about his own son’s birthday.

I can’t believe you’re actually considering two parties to placate him, a supposed grown man who the party isn’t even for. One party, either he comes or he doesn’t. Stop the pandering, your parents and son deserve more respect.

CountFucula · 29/04/2024 22:09

Brewers Fayre. Ye Gods.
Ignore (or better Get rid of) your husband.

Hoolagan · 29/04/2024 22:10

DH sounds incredibly difficult. Are you
happy? Do you love him? Do you think he loves you?

FrenchandSaunders · 29/04/2024 22:11

He gets het up about your parents lifestyle and what they spend their money on! None of his
bloody business!

You can’t be very happy OP, he sounds awful.

pikkumyy77 · 29/04/2024 22:11

What a horrible person your dh is. I am usually on the side of people who don’t like tbeir in laws but this whole story is just awful. He is controlling , mean, stingy, and utterly able to care about you or your children if it interferes with his selfish feud.

FrenchandSaunders · 29/04/2024 22:11

Do you not have nice meals out or holidays?

GerbilsForever24 · 29/04/2024 22:12

No one wins here at all do they? I mean, your dad had to uninvite a bunch of his own family to his 75th because otherwise your DH would kick off and/or because he dislikes your DH so much he couldn't bring himself to have him around for his 75th.

Its impossible to say for sure if your parents or your Dh are the problem here as you don't say if there are loads of incidents where your parents have treated him badly or vice versa. Or if anyone attempted to smooth over the original issue. But this level of lack of interest in your wider family is a bit ridiculous, as is constant whining about another family's lifestyle so I'm inclined to think your DH is th eproblem.

DoreenonTill8 · 29/04/2024 22:14

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant

Who was to pay for the meal @eveningqueen456?

Guavafish1 · 29/04/2024 22:14

Your husband sound like hard work

nadine90 · 29/04/2024 22:16

Your husband sounds awful. It’s one thing being tight (and that would be one thing too many for me), it’s another entirely to be nasty about your parents enjoying their life and to not even try to get on with them for the sake of his wife.
Why are you with him?

utilitarianism · 29/04/2024 22:17

Not wanting to ever see your parents himself is extreme, but doable. Expecting you never to speak of them in his presence is nuts.

Yanbu, but after putting up with this for so long, it won't be easy to convince him to behave. Only you know if it's worth it. He's clearly not a reasonable person, so I wouldn't expect any miraculous change of heart on his part. If you get them all together, there will still be the same tense atmosphere, if not worse.

Maddy70 · 29/04/2024 22:17

Your DH sounds awful

If your son wants to invite his grandparents then a good father would support that

If I were you I would arrange the party for whoever your son wants to invite and if his own father is too petty to attend then so be it.

How on earth do you put up with this shitty behaviour

Neolara · 29/04/2024 22:18

Your dh sounds like a big baby.

cansu · 29/04/2024 22:18

Your husband sounds awful. He seems to make everything about him. Why does he get to approve or disapprove of their choices fir restaurants etc? It is ridiculous. I would be having the party and invite everyone. If he wants to sulk let him. Why should he control who you see and talk about?

MustDust · 29/04/2024 22:19

Of course you don't argue anymore, you're doing as you're told. He's tight, he doesn't let you enjoy time with your parents and he's going ruin his own son's 18th because it's his way or the highway. What redeeming features does he have?

LarkRiseSummer · 29/04/2024 22:19

Your husband has a huge inferiority complex. What the hell is it to him how your parents spend their own money? What's he like about your friends, or have you given up on friendships to keep the peace at home? He sounds like a grade 1 twat.

WimpoleHat · 29/04/2024 22:22

Your DH needs to grow up. I’m not massively keen on my in-laws, but there are times when, for the sake of family harmony/making my DH’s life easier/nicer, we all do things together. And we all do so with good grace, even if we wouldn’t choose to be best mates in different circumstances. That’s what adults do. And to throw a hissy fit over your son’s 18th is childish and selfish in the extreme.

StormingNorman · 29/04/2024 22:22

Your husband’s need to control the situation is the most concerning part of this. Is he like this about other things too?

SallyWD · 29/04/2024 22:22

How awful - your DH hasn't spoken to your parents for years because of your dad's birthday plans?! It's none of his business!! You said the atmosphere was always horrible when they were together so I'm not surprised your dad didn't want him there! How dare your DH comment and judge your parents because they like to enjoy life.
Honestly OP, I can't believe you've put up with this for so long. I'd never let anyone treat my parents like that.

CwmYoy · 29/04/2024 22:23

Why are you still married to this awful man?

peebles32 · 29/04/2024 22:23

Mmm, bet your husband has no problem if you get an inheritance from your parents

Saintmariesleuth · 29/04/2024 22:24

It's your son's party- he will be an adult and therefore he gets to choose the guest list. Your husband is being a knob to threaten your son not to attend his own 18th birthday party. I really would be pushing back against your husband on this.

Your husband sounds like hardwork. I hope you have discussed retirement and will have access to your own pot of money OP (I know this isn't the point of the thread, but I wouldn't risk being financially dependent on this man EVER).

Maninthemoonsmiles · 29/04/2024 22:24

It must be so sad for you and your parents OP that they cant come to your home and be welcome in your family life. Your husband has divided the family and why is he so judgy about them spending money on themselves anyway? He sounds utterly joyless.

Can you get to the bottom of why he does this and do you think he is willing to change or are you wanting to risk pushing for change? Otherwise it will always be this horrible divided life and why should your DS miss out on his own family being all around him for party?

Wishitsnows · 29/04/2024 22:24

Your DH sounds like an insufferable asshole. Why have you put up with his behaviour. Your parents sound lovely. Why would he put you in this situation. Why do you stay? Sounds like your son would want his grandparents there so why is he ruining that as well. Doubt he is going to pay for a great party for you son either.

Wishitsnows · 29/04/2024 22:25

The party will no doubt be more fun without your DH there

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