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AIBU?

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Original poster

Parents and DH feud

637 replies

eveningqueen456 · 29/04/2024 21:51

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 29/04/2024 23:04

He really has a pathological inferiority complex and fear of engaging with people “above his station” or with aspirations and interests outside of his narrow world.

DisforDarkChocolate · 29/04/2024 23:06

Your husband sounds fecking awful. Give it a few more years and your children will be avoiding him because he's so miserable and judgemental.

Alloveragain3 · 29/04/2024 23:07

I'd love for my parents to be in good health and for us all to enjoy meals out, holidays away etc.
What a terrible shame your husband prevents you and your family from enjoying time together. And for no good reason.

Ponoka7 · 29/04/2024 23:10

What do you think is going to happen when one of your parents gets ill or dies? Hang on to your friends because you are going to need them.

Haydenn · 29/04/2024 23:10

Your DH sounds like an absolute fucker. What business is it if his how your parents spend their money? They’re in their 70s, what exactly does he think they should be saving it for? Of course they should use their money to treat themselves and their family.

But to tell you and your children they can’t see your parents and put barriers up to seeing them is controlling and unkind. Quite frankly the money sounds like an excuse to isolate you and exert control.

Pheasantsmate · 29/04/2024 23:14

eveningqueen456 · 29/04/2024 22:41

It all started when we got married and my parents offered to pay but wanted his words "a posh and snobby affair" - with caterers and real champagne - DH just wanted tea and cake in a church hall and in the end they got their way because I wanted "the posh do" - OK OK looking back this was probably a massive red flag!!!!!

When I went back to work he also presumed my mum would give up work to offer us childcare but she carried on working till her 70's so they can afford the lifestyle they choose to live.

We spend very little time together as couple as I have quite a few friends who I enjoy going out with - he has never ever stopped me seeing friends or going out although he can't understand why I can't just be happy with a cup of tea at a mates house or a coffee in a coffee shop or pub rather than going out to a nice restaurant/wine bar/ where snobs go.

We've been on a few holidays but only caravan sites or camping.

He can be so lovely but only to people he likes and they are what he calls "run of the mill" people who don't spend money to show off.

What a chippy little prick he is. Please don’t waste any more of your parents time pandering to this nonsense. Kick him into touch or to the curb.

fashionqueen1183 · 29/04/2024 23:16

It actually makes me so sad. Imagine your daughter getting cut off from you because- shock horror you wanted to celebrate a birthday!

Maybe have a look at the Freedom course. I think it’s called that anyway.

KrisTheGardener · 29/04/2024 23:18

Team parents here. Terrible behaviour from your DH. And he can't even put his gripes aside for the sake of his son for his birthday?

You and your DH should have decided the type of wedding in discussion with each other, then had that kind of wedding. It's like he's scapegoating your parents when you wanted the posh wedding yourself. But he's not mad at you?

He's out of line expecting your mother to give up work to provide childcare. She's an individual with her own life and career. Not his servant.

Your father's birthday dinner is none of his business, assuming your DH isn't paying for the whole thing.

Your DH really needs to grow up.

Merryoldgoat · 29/04/2024 23:22

Your husband is a joyless miser and I
can’t believe you’ve allowed this to
go on so many years.

shenandoahvalley · 29/04/2024 23:23

I’ve never suggested LTB in all my 15+ years on MN (I don’t comment on the abuse threads). I would have left my DH if he showed such derisory, dismissive, unwarranted, selfish, odious, controlling behaviour towards my parents. Who, incidentally, sound like they’ve been watching their daughter capitulate to her husband for 20 years. I shudder to think what they make of him. And if my DH ever dared drag my son into a dysfunctional relationship with his grandparents because of his own issues - just, no. I wouldn’t stand for it. You’ve let him take something very precious away from you. I wouldn’t be able to forgive that.

As for what you do at this point, after 20 years. Honestly? I’d tell him to stay away from his son’s 18th. I really would. It’s not that big a deal in the scheme of life (obvs it is to your son), and at 18yo I would tell my son why. Your DH is the outlier here, not your parents or son. He’s utterly, completely and unquestionably unreasonable and worse. He’s stolen from you OP. Actually stolen loving relationship.

saraclara · 29/04/2024 23:25

I don't know where to start. So he thinks that anyone who spends money is showing off? That's bizarre in itself.

But this is the post that I most want to quote

It is absolutely tragic that you have squandered the last 20 years you could have had with your parents and instead chose an abusive, petty, cruel arsehole over them.

The regret you are going to live with for the rest of your life will be crushing.

Your poor father just wanted a nice 'big birthday' meal of his choice. But that was enough for your DH to kick off to the point that your parents can't even be mentioned in his presence for FIVE YEARS.

As the parent of adults, I can't begin to imagine how awful the last 20 years have been for your parents. And it's not just the generation above you that are suffering and worrying, it's your son too, who can't be allowed to have the family birthday celebration he wants.

Your husband is simply awful. This is one of the most appalling stories I've read on this site. And it's quite bizarre that you've stayed with him, especially when it seems that you don't have any quality time with him anyway.

Your son deserves better and your parents do. Please dump this man before he ends up return his hands on their money (which he's clearly been ogling for a couple of decades).

Tourmalines · 29/04/2024 23:26

Leave the prick .

TheaBrandt · 29/04/2024 23:27

Concur with everyone else. How does he even manage to walk around with that enormous chip on his shoulder? Inverse snobbery. Your poor parents.

Seems odd to me that you have meekly gone along with his weird chippy joyless world view though. You either must on some level agree with him or you are afraid of him.

GiantWaterBottl · 29/04/2024 23:30

Wow I'm so sorry OP this is really heartbreaking to read.

He has caused you (at least) 5 years of misery in relation to your parents and stolen precious and limited from you all.

I keep thinking of your poor parents and all the worries and conversations they'll have had about you and how sad they've been and how worried that you've ended up with this awful man!

He really does sound like an awful man. You can't compartmentalise the fact away in that he's nice to his friends.

What a waste of precious time. Please, please tell him where to go!

Also he sounds like a total reverse snob

dressagediva84 · 29/04/2024 23:31

This is one of those threads on Mumsnet where I have to assume that the husband must be amazing in bed for you to put up with his behaviour...

Codlingmoths · 29/04/2024 23:33

I guess this controlling dick doesn’t go to his son’s 18th then. Your poor parents. Imagine assuming your wife’s mum will do all your childcare, what a fuck. I’d start weekly visits so the dc know their grandparents and tell Dh this is you, these are your parents, theyve only ever been nice to him when god only knows he doesn’t deserve that, and if he is going to be shitty with it he knows where the door is.

GiantWaterBottl · 29/04/2024 23:35

Just reading the comments below mine and they've put it much more eloquently than I managed.
I'm just so, so sad for you OP. And devastated for your parents.

I really hope you manage to see the light and claw back some precious time with your parents.
I also hope he never gets a penny from them!

Tourmalines · 29/04/2024 23:40

Leave the prick .

PamPamPamPam · 29/04/2024 23:42

saraclara · 29/04/2024 23:25

I don't know where to start. So he thinks that anyone who spends money is showing off? That's bizarre in itself.

But this is the post that I most want to quote

It is absolutely tragic that you have squandered the last 20 years you could have had with your parents and instead chose an abusive, petty, cruel arsehole over them.

The regret you are going to live with for the rest of your life will be crushing.

Your poor father just wanted a nice 'big birthday' meal of his choice. But that was enough for your DH to kick off to the point that your parents can't even be mentioned in his presence for FIVE YEARS.

As the parent of adults, I can't begin to imagine how awful the last 20 years have been for your parents. And it's not just the generation above you that are suffering and worrying, it's your son too, who can't be allowed to have the family birthday celebration he wants.

Your husband is simply awful. This is one of the most appalling stories I've read on this site. And it's quite bizarre that you've stayed with him, especially when it seems that you don't have any quality time with him anyway.

Your son deserves better and your parents do. Please dump this man before he ends up return his hands on their money (which he's clearly been ogling for a couple of decades).

All of this. He has already alienated you from your parents, and by the sounds of it is laying the foundations to alienate you from your son (it wouldn't surprise me if once your son moves out his visits home greatly diminish over time).

He is not your master. You can talk about who you want, go where you want and do what you want. For god's sake he tried to control what your dad ate on his own birthday! How can you not see this for what it is?

bluebeardswife7 · 29/04/2024 23:48

Most people spend time with people they don't love. Spending time with my in-laws is a chore, but like work, you often have to spend time with people you wouldn't choose. It's all about greasing the social wheels. Fair enough to get angry if they move in. But he can put on a game face for the odd afternoon.

Cornishclio · 29/04/2024 23:49

Yes of course your DH needs to get over himself and accept your parents given presumably you and your DC want to have a relationship with them. Why on earth did he expect your DM to give up work to look after your DC when it appears he does not even seem to like them or even make any attempt to see things from their point of view. BTW he seems mean rather than frugal and if you never go out for nice meals or holidays then that seems a bit of a joyless life to me.

You may have stopped the arguments but only because you are letting him control you.

StormingNorman · 29/04/2024 23:51

Inferiority complexes make people so high maintenance. How have you put up with him? It must be incredibly draining.

bluebeardswife7 · 29/04/2024 23:54

Ok, now I have read the rest of the thread. Enjoy your lovely generous parents. Let them treat your kids and let them indulge you on their birthdays. Sack off your miserable twunt of a partner.

SpoonyFish · 29/04/2024 23:56

I feel bad for your parents that your husband has been enabled to create such strife between you all.

He's controlling and likely abusive in other ways also if we were to hear more.

Bad example for your kids to witness this.

How would he react if you/your son said one party for everyone and he just needs to get on with it?

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/04/2024 23:59

Oh my God you are married to someone from a Viz comic.

How enough can you bear him?

What on earth is he going to be like when he retires? He will be around you all day moaning and shouting at you.

Your poor parents. If you can't do it if your children do it for them and leave him.