Parents and DH feud

[eveningqueen456]

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

This - I feel really sorry for you! My husband has the occasional moan about money or how we should spend it, but your DH sounds intolerable.

I am so sorry OP - this must make very difficult reading for you.

I want you to imagine your life as a bucket and at the very end, it is filled with everything you have experienced. His will be full of bitter resentment, inverted snobbery, judgement, hatred. Is that what you want? Personally, I would like my bucket to be brimful of happy memories, laughter, love, fun times. Chips on the beach is one of my most favourite things but a party or a holiday - also wonderful. Where is the joy?

I have to wonder what your children think of him? I imagine that, if they haven’t vocalised it, they think he’s a miserable git who has denied them so much.

You seem to be trying to emphasise his good points- the way he is very good to some people. But they are only the ones who, by his judgement, are living their life in the way in which he has deemed is correct. How arrogant! Who is he to judge others?

But he is right in one way - life is too short. Too short to be desperately trying to placate this frankly horrible man and deny your children some happy times. Going out to dinner or having a party isn't showing off! It isn't posh! Get out OP and fill that bucket!!

He is just a shit person.
Smug and superior, what a nasty, little, mean spirited man.

I don’t think @eveningqueen456 will be back as I should imagine the comments have been quite a shock. I hope you are ok 💐 and hopefully taking on board what people have said.

What an awful person your husband is - I hope your poor children don’t try and emulate him. Poor kids. Poor you.

I think the point being made is that H is tight and also unpleasant about having a good time of the sort he dislikes. Stuff him, pass round the bubbly and consult a solicitor spring to mind.

He sounds like the twat of my brother in law, who has a massive chip on his shoulder because my family has more money than his.

My late DF was a lovely, generous man who though hard work and grit managed to make a good living and loved to share it with us. He came from very humble origins so he was the opposite of posh but loved a good restaurant and was delighted to treat his family. Once my sister got together with BIL, we welcomed him into the family and was also invited, but managed to "joke" and sneer about how everything was so posh and expensive, and not for the likes of him.

Now that my mum is a wealthy widow (she rightly inherited most of it, but we both got a substancial sum, much more than a normal deposit) he constantly makes little digs about how well she lives comparing how much they are struggling with the cost of living. Twat.

Everything that everyone has already said!

I had a very similar situation. My ex hated my parents. They tolerated him with more grace than they should have for 16 years. He did the ‘them or me’ thing…it was NOT a hard choice. He was controlling in different ways to your husband but extremely unpleasant to be with and I only stayed long enough to get myself in a position to be able to look after me and my children on my own. I haven’t regretted my decision for a single second. Don’t stay and regret it later.

No idea why you married him or wasted 29 years. Your poor parents, I really feel for them - he is absolutely a snob, no other word for him.

Imagine being that frugal you lose family over it? Also it was your dad's birthday - surely he gets to choose the place and how he wants to spend it?

Why wait for a divorce?

He sounds judgemental and controlling. I can’t believe he pours scorn onto your parents’ lifestyle. He sounds insecure, like he’s never put anyone else before him in his life. Sorry you’re dealing with that set up. I’d love to know what your parents did or said that was so bad that he’s banished their existence from your home. Poor kids. I’d just have one party and if he doesn’t come then he doesn’t come. What a childish plonker.

How are you doing @eveningqueen456

This thread must be a hard read. I hope you are getting what you need from it.

My teenagers didn’t really want boring grown ups at their parties. You could avoid that row clouding your son’s birthday and just fund him to let rip with his mates.