Parents and DH feud

[eveningqueen456]

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

Your husband is a controlling abusive childish cunt.

I dread to think what will happen as your kids get older OP and want to get married. Presumably he won’t be going to that either if your parents were coming and they’ll only be allowed to have it where he thinks is suitable or he won’t speak to them next.

What a depressing life. Why have you stayed in it? Do you actually even like him? He doesn’t like anyone, particularly himself.

Hi op @eveningqueen456 , I agree with everyone else on here.

I am interested to know about his parents and his relationship with them (and your and your sons relationship with them)?

Would they be invited to your sons party?

He sounds jealous and controlling to me too.

He sounds tight and has a massive chip on his shoulder caused by his fragile ego. Your parents sound great on the other hand.

Your dh sounds like the worst sort of snob there is imo. Those who snobs downwards. Aka only the bare minimum is ever tolerated and anyone else who wants more or better are wrong.

I find people like that difficult to be around.

What a tight wad! How have you tolerated this all these years? Awful behaviour

I have no words for this. Everything said above has pretty much covered it.

i wonder what your husband will do when it’s time for your kids’ weddings and celebrations and they want to celebrate with something other than tea and biscuits in a church hall. Will he begrudge them that? Will he be giving up work to provide childcare? Will he be insisting they celebrate in his way. He will alienate his own kids and their future spouses the same way he has your parents? Lots to think about here

@eveningqueen456 I had similar when we got married. We had arguments about quite a few things, including them inviting their friends and my friends then couldn't be invited.
My parents weren't wealthy when I was growing up but are now and can be a bit extravagant with it which makes my husband uncomfortable.
However, after our arguments over the wedding we realised that it wasn't going to change so we lived how we wanted and let them do things their way.
This means we join in their plans when it's more expensive like your dad's birthday meal as it's their choice. When we do things, we do it at our price point.
My DH doesn't like it but realises the pain it would cause me to be in conflict with my family so sucks it up. I do believe this is how a marriage should be.
Neither have changed their minds over the years but rub along so the kids have a positive relationship with their grandparents.
I would say that my DH wouldn't complain about me going out with a friend as he respects my decisions. It's not like I'm getting us into debt from the odd Costa!
I just wanted to share to say I understand your side, but really, he is being very selfish and unkind to you. You don't deserve to be treated like this. It's more than disagreeing over money. He's controlling everything which isn't healthy.
Your poor son.

things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

Things got better because you did as your husband told you to.

Yet in the reverse situation where the wife doesn't get on with her in laws the MN mantra is that he should always 'support' his wife! Surely not even more hypocrisy.

It’s so hard when families are like this. We have a similar situation but it’s definitely my psrents and other family members in the wrong. My husband tolerates them for my benefit and I tolerate them for my kids benefit but they’ve been vile to him over the last 30 years. Just makes everything so hard.

I agree with the consensus - your husband sounds awful. What kind of father does this to his child? Find out where's he's salting away money too. I knew someone married to a controlling man like that. He left her, after emptying savings she was unaware of, and their bank account.

he can be so lovely but only to people he likes

And there it is again.

This! 1000%!

Op, one day your DPs will need your help, will your DH stand in your way then? Frankly, I'd be very wary of a man who can hold a grudge for years over so little. Will he expect your DS to have his 18th at the local cafe with a budget of a £5 a head?

Your husband is a selfish controlling unreasonable arsehole.

What an arse. Ask your lovely, fun, generous parents if you can move back in with them while you sort yourself out and leave this miserable miser.

I can only imagine how stressful it is to ‘share’ life with a miser…and it is miserly to be mean spirited and tightfisted. I wonder what your husband is bringing to the party? As he likes plain talk the answer seems to be ‘bugger all’.
Does he consider your emotional needs? His duty towards you? Honour thy mother and father used to be a very commonly used phrase when I was young, it’s rather less fashionable now but still apt. Your parents love and cherish you, they have worked hard and they are generous. Your husband resents them because they know how to enjoy life, it is rather pathetic and his attitude towards them is very unjust. What is he going to be like if you become grandparents? He is a very poor role model as a parent and husband, but what do you want to do about his dictatorship? Clearly he doesnt feel motivated to behave well towards you, your son or your parents. He isn't going to make an effort to be an adult and he's been getting away with poor behaviour for several years under the pretence that it makes life ‘less argumentative’. You deserve better, and you know that, but dealing with someone who is so indifferent to doing the right thing will require you to put in place boundaries which are non negotiable. If he refuses, it isn't merely a red flag it should be a deal breaker. Don’t waste your life on a miser.

This! Of course your dad didn’t want his 75th birthday celebration at a bloody brewers fayre. Completely up to him where he celebrates his birthday and your DH sounds ridiculous making this a massive issue (or making it any issue at all). Tell your DH to get a grip or ditch him. Is he always so controlling and miserable? Sounds absolutely insufferable. This is not normal.

Question: if he hates your parents that much, if you inherit when they die, presumably he won't touch a penny of their money out of principle? 👀

He sounds like an absolute fun sponge who has made you choose him over your parents. If he really loved you, he wouldn't put you in that position. You have one life and yours sounds like one that's being half lived. LTB.

I haven't read all of this thread as rushing out to work. I apologise if I repeat what PP have already said.
I just wanted to say that your son will be soaking up his fathers behaviour and learning from him that the way he conducts his life and attitude towards you and his grandparents is acceptable and normal and could well dish out the same to a future partner.
If you have any daughters they too will be growing up ready to accept that kind of behaviour from a potential future partner, as they see you accept it from him. All of which I'm sure wasn't in your grand plan when you had them
Your poor parents have watched you suffer in silence with this horrible man who you say can be nice, but only when it suits him. I'm sure that wasn't in their grand plan when they had you too.
You can stop this cycle now. For the sake of you children and future grandchildren, because believe me, it WILL filter down. Good luck x

Your dh sounds fucking awful. And you’ve been beaten down to take this shit from him and see it as normal and acceptable.

even the wedding issue - it’s not your parents vs him. YOU wanted what your parents were offering to pay for. Yet instead of being open and compromising for the woman he “loves” he’s separated you from your loving family who want to support you and see you happy.

I know you’ve been together a long time, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life living this way..?

@JudgeJ if the in laws are being cruel or abusive then absolutely. But that's not the case here. They had a disagreement 20 years ago about how much money her parents spent on their wedding (a wedding that OP also wanted) and then a disagreement 5 years ago about where the OP's dad went for his birthday meal. That's it. Are you seriously telling me those two instances justify this man's behaviour? Really?

How can you compare to examples of overbearing and mean behaviour that we often hear about women having to endure from their in laws on here? Which range from MILs demanding to be birthing partners to PILs expecting their sons to support financially, physically or emotionally? It is absolutely not the same.

And in most of the posts about overbearing PILs from the OP's perspective, a lot of the advice suggests that the OP disengage herself from the situation and let her DH deal with it. The man in this case will not even allow the OP to mention her parents' names in his presence! How can you possibly compare the two? I get that a lot of people are focused on the NAMALT nonsense but this really does take it too far.

Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them.

won’t let you? It’s your house as well!!
Your DH can put on his big boy pants and attend. Or explain to your DS why he won’t.

When I went back to work he also presumed my mum would give up work to offer us childcare but she carried on working till her 70's so they can afford the lifestyle they choose to live.

wow. Putting the burden of care work on women is patriarchy 101. but to put it this bluntly? Has he no shame?

I can’t help but notice that there is no mention of his parents. Are they still alive? What is / was your relationship with them?