Parents and DH feud

[eveningqueen456]

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

If he doesn’t want to see them I don’t see why he has to. If that’s what he chooses he shouldn’t impose that on his DP and DC as well though.

My DH hasn’t seen my parents in years after a huge fall out which I have to admit was my father’s fault. The last time he saw them was way before I was pregnant. Our DS is now 3. He never stops me or DS seeing them though and never makes any derogatory comments he just has nothing to do with them himself. It’s really no big deal now and everyone is used to the situation.

OP time to tell H how it’s going to be.
You will see your parents. As will your DC. You will talk about them if you want to. Your DS will invite them to his party and H will be there for your son. This is not negotiable. You won’t put up with it anymore.

If he is not there you will divorce him.

I’m so sad you’ve let him do this for 20 years. 20 years OP. He’s punished them for giving you the wedding you wanted. They must have have suffered seeing you with this man all these years. Your children grew up with him slagging off their DGP.

Please start spending much more time with your parents and DC altogether before the opportunity is lost.

💐

He sounds like a peach, op.

won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them

You realise this is controlling to the point of abuse?

Time to reclaim your family.

This is so fucked up. 20 years?! It'll be your children next. If they dare 'show off' when they are adults and earning. Will you just go along with his wishes then? Why have you gone along with this bullshit? My god your poor parents. I hope you tell your children that this isn't normal behaviour and he isn't right.

It's not ok for him to be like this with your parents at all. When they are dead you will be so full of regrets at how you pandered to this. Just leave him behind if he won't go but he's got no right to alienate you or your kids from your family.

What do your friends think of him? Do they avoid seeing him? Do you defend him? Or have they tried to talk to you about it and are now having to bide their time in the hope you’ll have an epiphany and realise?

When your parents pass you will regret letting your dh have so much control over this aspect of your life. Either change the situation or prepare to live with that regret.

Are you even going to be allowed to spend money on an 18th birthday party?

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

Let your DS have his party and invite whoever he bloody well likes.

If his dad refuses to be there, so be it. His choice, and ultimately, his loss.

STOP KOWTOWING TO THIS MANCHILD.

And take your kids on holiday.

You and your children have missed out on so many happy times with your parents because of your husband.

I don’t know if it’s relevant but it reads like your dad is actually 80 not in his 70’s

OP I’m so sorry you’ve been in this situation for so long, it must be really draining for you. You can do anything about the time that’s passed, but you can decide how you want your life to be going forward. Things can continue as they are, or you can make a change.
After all this time, it seems unlikely that your DH will change. I would be very concerned that he may develop a feud with your own children, if he doesn’t agree with how they live their lives.
Now your parents are in their 70’s, is this how you want things to continue?

This.

If my DH tried this, I'd ultimately leave him. I couldn't live that miserable life.

His behaviour is more than economic (which is fine when driven by necessity) but it’s mean spirited, twisted and pedantic. Why spend a future with somebody who thinks so little of your beloved family, they havent done anything wrong. He’s Someone who makes a mountain out of a molehill and can’t be arsed to sacrifice a couple of hours to make your sons birthday party happen.

What’s his relationship like with his own family?

I would divorce him, he is so controlling. I feel sorry for your parents and for you.

He really is awful and controlling - look ahead to your own retirement - do you want to spend cold days with this tyrant?

So is your husband stashing his money away in savings for the benefit of you all, while you spend yours on going out to nice restaurants.
Or are you going out to nice restaurants while he struggles to put a roof over your heads ?
Either way, it seems you are living a different life to that of your husband and have always done so. Your lifestyle is more akin to that of your parents than the frugal lifestyle your husband chooses for himself. He objects to your parents because of their lifestyle but doesn’t object to you because of yours - which is a bit odd.

To my mind, going out to nice restaurants is lovely but only as long as you can properly afford it. You don’t say whether you can afford it, as a family, or not.

But in any case, your son should be able to invite his grandparents to his celebration if he wants to without the childish threat from his father that he won’t come if they come. And your husband has no right to judge anybody else’s choice of lifestyle if they can afford it.

Your husband sounds controlling and it’s hard to see how you have managed to live alongside each other for 20 years without this issue coming between you before now.
Maybe this is crunch point for you ?

He sounds awful. No wonder your parents don't like him.

I'd encourage your son to have the big party then do something separate with him dad he shouldn't have to do what your husband wants just because you do.

Your dh is a joy thief & a scrooge, how can you put up with being forced to choose between him & your parents? I would end the marriage now before things like inheritance come in the picture. Have your ds party & invite your parents & let the Grinch stay at home, he would only create an atmosphere & suck out all the joy on your ds special day. When you decide to split, rinse him for every penny you can, it's the only thing he cares about.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children.

This is quite telling tbf. In this circumstance, my Dad would (has, always) foot the bill for his invited family (Son in laws included - at most, my Dad would only allow us to buy a round of drinks). Gosh my Dad would exclude my sister and I from his birthday meal (and choice of venue would always be discussed, he'd never make it his choice alone) before he'd exclude his grandkids! Your parents aren't short of money, you describe them as being very good to themselves, yet they won't shout their grandkids a meal?

Your parents AND your husband both sound quite tiresome to a degree, and it's a shame neither party seem willing to bend the knee for your sake.

Your 'D'H is also the definition of a snob btw:

a person who believes that their tastes in a particular area are superior to those of other people.

How have you stayed married to him? He sounds tight, mean, judgemental and you've allowed him to treat your parents like this as well. You've backed the wrong horse here op

Why on earth are you still married to this man? For goodness sake out your son first, have a big party and tell you DH to stay away.

He expected your mum to give up work to provide free childcare 😂
Did his mum provide any free childcare?

Agreed. If something doesn't change I think you will have big regrets when they are gone.