Parents and DH feud

[eveningqueen456]

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

You say your parents don't like him either. Have they said why, other than this? They sound a bit more reasonable than him; what do you think is their main dislike of him?

Sorry to be so blunt, OP, but please, please dump him before your parents die. Apart from the fact that he's a controlling shit, and your life has been made smaller and more miserable by his presence in it, and their lives too - I bet the reason that he's angered by their 'extravagance' is because he sees it coming off a future inheritance.

Please please don't let him benefit from his appalling treatment of them and you, and now your son.

Your husband sounds awful. Controlling, miserly, selfish...

Ugh.

So he thinks it’s ok to put your son in the horrible position of either having no 18th birthday celebration, or to have one without his Dad, or, without his GP.

Crikey .. my MIl has got on my nerves in the past, but we just get on with it.

Unless your parents done something really toxic, this is your DH being petulant.

Everything that was said in the first reply.

Have the party, invite your parents and if your dh is childish enough to not come, then he will just show himself up to everyone there - ds's friends as well as the extended family.

How absolutely horrendous, I never say this but flipping hell, dump him

It is absolutely tragic that you have squandered the last 20 years you could have had with your parents and instead chose an abusive, petty, cruel arsehole over them.

The regret you are going to live with for the rest of your life will be crushing.

I’m not sure why you’ve tolerated his behaviour for so long tbh. My DH would be pulled up sharpish if he tried to control who visited me in my own home.

Your husband sounds horrible

Tight with a huge chip, nay, jacket potato on his shoulder.

You're contemplating having 2 parties to keep him appeased.

FFS.

The only person he loves is himself.

Dump him before you end up missing out on the last year's of your parents life, keeping the peace.

Absolute man baby.

I would feel ashamed if he was my dad, let alone my life partner.

Def divorce him while your dps are still alive. Do not let him get his hands on any of your inheritance...

It all started when we got married and my parents offered to pay but wanted his words "a posh and snobby affair" - with caterers and real champagne - DH just wanted tea and cake in a church hall and in the end they got their way because I wanted "the posh do" - OK OK looking back this was probably a massive red flag!!!!!

When I went back to work he also presumed my mum would give up work to offer us childcare but she carried on working till her 70's so they can afford the lifestyle they choose to live.

We spend very little time together as couple as I have quite a few friends who I enjoy going out with - he has never ever stopped me seeing friends or going out although he can't understand why I can't just be happy with a cup of tea at a mates house or a coffee in a coffee shop or pub rather than going out to a nice restaurant/wine bar/ where snobs go.

We've been on a few holidays but only caravan sites or camping.

He can be so lovely but only to people he likes and they are what he calls "run of the mill" people who don't spend money to show off.

Your husband is a dick

You do realise you are in an abusive relationship don't you?

Jesus Christ.

Leave him.

So basically he’s a stingy, joyless, selfish, vindictive man; he and you have incompatible values; and you’ve stayed married only because you capitulate to all his demands.
Do you feel this is a good life for you?

Good grief.
your poor parents. Please go and spend some time with them.

Your husband sounds like a very difficult and controlling man.

There's nothing about your happiness on this at all. It's all his way.

Usually I'm on the opposite side to the parents, mine were abusive and neglectful and many way overstep from reading on here.

You have nothing bad to say about your parents - doesn't that tell you something? They sound great! Your husband doesn't even sound like your partner or friend (much less a reasonable human being).

This.
Please leave him before he gets his hands on any inheritance.

Your poor poor parents. I could never be with someone so devoid of joy & generosity. Stinginess is a very unbecoming trait.

He’s an inverse snob with massive insecurities, and he is making you dance to his tune.

What do you see in this controlling, petulant arse?

What a killjoy your husband is. I couldn't live with someone like that, sucking all the fun out of life.
Awful how he treats/thinks of your parents.

As for your son's 18th - an important milestone in a kid's life - well, I have no words.

He may be an OK guy in some ways, but he is also an Inverted Snob of the first order. In the UK (big dark secret), the inverted snob is actually far nastier and more aggressively tyrannical than the ordinary snob.

He's got a massive chip on his shoulder and he's managed to burden your life with it in the process. If he doesn't want to go to his son's party that's on him. He's a shitbag for putting your son in that position.

What your parents spend their money on is precisely fuck all to do with him.

In fact, he seems to have an awful lot of opinions about what other people do, that are also fuck all to do with him.

The only 'snob' I can identify from everything you've said is your husband. He sounds a horrible, controlling, abusive, judgemental arse.

He's doing an intensive programme of making it impossible for you - and now DS - to have a normal relationship with your parents. How dare he, who the hell does he think he is?!

As for expecting your DM to give up work for his convenience - that's some breathtaking entitlement right there.

@eveningqueen456 Oh sorry!! I thought you said that you had three children????? what a nasty immature (D)husband you have!