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AIBU?

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Original poster

Parents and DH feud

637 replies

eveningqueen456 · 29/04/2024 21:51

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

OP posts:
JanefromLondon1 · 30/04/2024 06:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

Onthemaintrunkline · 30/04/2024 06:20

The overwhelming message here is that your husband is at best sulky, controlling and unkind. How horrible for you to forever be the peacemaker, the meat in the sandwich, whatever. It must be exhausting, and has to totally wring all the joy, the anticipation out of every family event. He obviously likes to get his way by whatever means and that’s not ok. It’s just not! The term inverted snob comes to mind, and I’m so sorry this is your lot in life. Well it’s your lot, until something changes, not easy I bet.

VestibuleVirgin · 30/04/2024 06:22

Your husband sounds like a revolting and controlling person. And he thinks Brewers Fayre is an accetable dining establishment.
Why have you put up with this behaviour towards important people in your life?

Scarletttulips · 30/04/2024 06:22

Are you an only child OP?

Is he so mean he thinks your parents are spending his inheritance?

I hope they are leaving it to your children.

How awful is he?

dragonscannotswim · 30/04/2024 06:31

SpeedyDrama · 29/04/2024 22:06

there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

Well of course there is, your husband is Scrooge - sucking the life and fun out of any event that cost more than a half penny and tap water it seems. Why on earth have you let him get away with being such a miser about your parents way of enjoying themselves? He genuinely thought he had a right to dictate where your dad had his birthday meal and has sulked since? Honestly I don’t see how you find this man attractive, especially now foot stomping about his own son’s birthday.

I can’t believe you’re actually considering two parties to placate him, a supposed grown man who the party isn’t even for. One party, either he comes or he doesn’t. Stop the pandering, your parents and son deserve more respect.

This!!

Your h is a miserly, controlling fun sponge.

cryinglaughing · 30/04/2024 06:33

Oh OP, this must be up there with one of the saddest threads I have read.
He sounds like he has put a damper on your whole married life.
You mention holidays. There is nothing wrong with camping and caravans if that is what you both want, your post implies you want more.
It appears you have missed out on a lot because of your husband.

What happens when your parent's die? Will you have to grieve in private because he won't let you talk about them?

Is this the life you really want? Stuck with a miserable miser for the rest of your life?

NonPlayerCharacter · 30/04/2024 06:43

When I went back to work he also presumed my mum would give up work to offer us childcare

I bet he did.

Does he think anyone exists not to please him? What do you see in him?

autumnboys · 30/04/2024 06:53

I would be very reluctant to continue to let him issue them or me edicts about things. It’s sounds as though he has done this very successfully for a while, but look forward - if/when your children get married, do you think he’s going to try and ban your parents? I think he will. He sounds like hard work to be honest. Is he spontaneous and joyful over small things that don’t cost money? You deserve better.

PeppaPigIsQAnon · 30/04/2024 06:53

Fucking hell - how on earth are you able to not have the massive ICK over a husband this pathetic? How dare he dictate what your dad should do for his own birthday? How dare he try and make his own child choose over family?? What a pathetic excuse for a parent.

If my DH treated my parents or child like that I’d have been out.

babyproblems · 30/04/2024 06:53

Agree with pp’s that your DH is more in the wrong here. It’s just very bad manners on his part. There’s being frugal and then there’s just being rude.. he is being unbelievably rude. You don’t get to choose where someone else has their birthday!! He needs to understand that he can be frugal with his own choices but not that of others. How will he behave when he has his own children grown up and married with their partners??? I’d be worrying that he isn’t a family man really and that his behaviour is just all about himself. If you are hoping for a family dynamic like your parents’ have when you are older, good luck with that if he is still your DH.

LarkRiseSummer · 30/04/2024 06:55

Right, your second post is interesting. You say there was a lot of resentment towards your parents initially over your (supposedly posh, snobby) wedding - but then you say it was the wedding YOU wanted. Surely if it was such a sin he wouldn't have wanted to marry you - your values being so misaligned? You also say you go out a lot with friends to nice restaurants and wine bars. So he can accept that YOU enjoy "posh, snobby" weddings and restaurants but can't accept it from your parents? Interesting, and it's obvious that this isn't about your parents at all, it's all about his crippling inferiority COMPLEX. Do you have any joint friends? I guess if you do they are his 'run of the mill', pie and chips friends.

I feel so sorry for your parents, and believe me I've had inlaw issues for decades, but like grown-ups we put our differences aside for the good of the family because we're not petulant, spiteful fools.

HMW1906 · 30/04/2024 07:02

So your parents wanted to pay for something nice for you that you wanted for your wedding day and your husband hasn’t spoken to them since?? How are you still married to this man? He’s very unreasonable!

Ditch the husband, have 1 party and if husband chooses not to come then that’s on him, just make sure everyone knows why he’s choosing to be petty and not come to his sons party including your son, get some holidays that you want to do booked in with your children/family. It sounds like he sucks the joy out of everything and everyone! I don’t know how you’ve lasted 20 years with him!

WimpoleHat · 30/04/2024 07:06

What a chippy little prick he is.

Spot on!

TerfTalking · 30/04/2024 07:09

Good grief OP, your dad is either or about to be 80 and is generous and you enjoy his company and your parents love, they don’t have a whole lifetime ahead of them, don’t lose these precious years any longer.

I wonder how your husband would feel about spending any inheritance you may have left to you in years to come.

Your son is nearly 18, sounds like you are more in tune with your side of the family, it’s never too late to Chuck him back, sooner rather than later.

Lovethistimeofyear · 30/04/2024 07:10

OP I know a couple like you and your DH. The husband sounds just like your DH. He can’t stand his wife’s family because they spend money on nice things, go on nice holidays, eat out in nice restaurants. They do it because they can afford it and because they want to.

He talks constantly about money - the price of this, the price of that.

The couple are in their 70’s now and they are miserable. They bicker constantly, have no shared interests.

Seriously, get out now before you feel it’s too late. You have allowed this man to impact the relationship you have with your parents. And the relationship your children have with them.

He is narrow minded and selfish. The fact that he expected your mum to give up work to provide childcare speaks volumes in terms of his views of women. He also feels like the world owes him something.

NOTANUM · 30/04/2024 07:11

For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace

15 years of a bad atmosphere.. What do you honestly get out of this relationship at all?

You don’t say much bur it sounds like you’re living parallel lives: separate friends and social life, parents and sister kept apart from the family, etc.

AgnesX · 30/04/2024 07:11

CountFucula · 29/04/2024 22:09

Brewers Fayre. Ye Gods.
Ignore (or better Get rid of) your husband.

Absolutely.

For that alone your husband needs to get a grip. For his attitude over your son's 18th he needs a flea in his ear.

What a mean, selfish attitude.

KTSl1964 · 30/04/2024 07:12

Who made him your boss - I bet he can be lovely -/when he’s getting his own way!!!!! Does he stop the children seeing his grand parents? How dare he!!!!!

winterwarmer8274 · 30/04/2024 07:13

My dad was like your DH and now I barely talk to him.

He was a scrooge who hated 'snobs' as he'd call them (i.e me). All he wanted to do was go to butlins, eat at the grotty pub round the corner,

When I said I was off to a nice restaurant for a friend's birthday, going on a holiday abroad, or god forbid buying an expensive piece of clothing with my hard-earned money he would go on an on about 'why would I want to do that? Why don't I tell me friend to go to the grotty pub around the corner, the food won't be nice where we're going, what a waste of money, you could get the same top in Asda for half the price etc etc.

When I announced I was off to uni and moving out, because I wanted a decent job and to leave my shitty hometown he basically disowned me. He thought I should carry on with my job in the local supermarket and who did I think I was trying to better myself with 'all those snobs'.

Such a miserable way to live. Life is for enjoying.

TheMamaYo · 30/04/2024 07:13

He sounds like an absolute nightmare. What’s it got to do with him how your parents spend their money?!
Eww.

BurbageBrook · 30/04/2024 07:16

Your DH is a nasty, stingy, controlling arsehole, so there's your problem. Your parents sound fine.

CormorantStrikesBack · 30/04/2024 07:17

Your dh is awful. It’s none of his business what your parents spend money on. Can’t believe he expected your mum to give up work and provide childcare.

your ds should only have one party. If your dh chooses not to come that’s on his head. Your poor parents must be worried sick about you.

AgentProvocateur · 30/04/2024 07:17

Your husband sounds like he sucks any joy out of life. I hope your children haven’t inherited his mindset.

waterrat · 30/04/2024 07:18

Op it's a form of abuse to control your relationships like this.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 30/04/2024 07:18

Maybe one day your dh will grow up.

and maybe one day he will realise how your parents spend their money is their business.

jealousy and meanness are not nice qualities in a person, it is sad you didn't see this before you married.