Parents and DH feud

[eveningqueen456]

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

Lol. THIS. Can’t wait until he tells a daughter in law to be that unless the wedding reception is exclusively a cake from a box mix in the church basement she can never set foot in his house again.

Look at it this way, OP. Do you REALLY want to live another 20-30+ years with someone so rigid, controlling and mean?

I would rather be alone than to ever be with someone who could not tolerate anything but what he wanted in life.

Leave him before it gets worse so you can actually ENJOY being around your parents for the coming years.

I feel he has already sucked a LOT of life out the OP. She will say she does what she wants, but yet, he controls her speech within the house with him present.

That isn't a life filled with happiness and love, at all. It's a life filled with stringent control and hatred. I hope the OP sees that she needs to leave, and soon. Her children have already grown up around this miserable, nasty tightwad. Are they going to think that this is the way all families should be?

The first time he said he hated most of my family, I would have sent him packing. His narrow-minded view of the world and how one's life should be run, is actually disturbing. I agree with PP that he will not be better "for one day". I doubt he could do it for an hour.

OP--find your value and your worth. You KNOW you deserve better than this twat waffle as a partner.

Also, as another person mentioned, he may hate your parents, but I bet he will greedily accept their inheritance, if there is any. If there is, and you have stayed with him, I hope you use it ONLY for you and your children and use it to help you retire early.

Your husband is pathetic. Behaving worse than a child! His way or the highway? Spoilt brat!
massive ick!
what does he do with “his” money?! Can’t take it with you, might as well spend it and enjoy that one short chance at life!

Staying with him when he disrespects your parents is bad enough but if you stay and he happily spends, tries to say how it is spent, or thinks any inheritance is his when they have died would be like shitting on their love for you.

Wake up.

Sounds like he takes the " working class " philosophy to the extreme. He is the one who is actually the snob.

Sounds a like a passive /aggressive response i.e. he resents that they have money to spend and are having a nice time because he isn't able to do that and its projected onto them as "they're extravagant" or irresponsible or they make him feel inadequate or whatever it maybe. People's attitude to money is often pretty complicated in terms of how they "use" it emotionally. Were your husband's parents particularly frugal ?

OP is not coming back

Not sure about all of this . Parents and DH have different values and lifestyles. DH gets on well with Aunt and helps her out and she has helped out with DC . Why would your Parents ask for help with cars/ moving furniture, when they don’t get on with DH and have never helped you with childcare etc? A posh restaurant for parents 75 th birthday without grandchildren ? They don’t sound family focused., which is fine and their choice but I can see both sides.
Sounds like DH has had to compromise too, expensive wedding with “real champagne “when he would have felt more comfortable with tea and cake in hall.
If DH wants to take Son to pub and buy him a pint for 18th let him . If parents want lavish party with Son let them. Both have very different expectations.

@Loopylambs did you see the bit where he expected his MIL to give up work to provide childcare? How is that reasonable?

He doesn’t want his child to have a party for his 18th

Only wants camping holidays

He presumed she would give up work to help with childcare , different backgrounds and expectations .
He doesn’t want to be part of 18 th birthday celebrations with in laws .
Hardly abusive to only have camping holidays , many families do. ?
Sounds like very different backgrounds and expectations, I can see both sides.

@Loopylambs no-one should expect/presume grandparent to give up work to provide childcare, doesn’t matter what your background is. Also very misogynistic to assume it would be MIL not FIL.

Also OP said in a later posts that he doesn’t want his son to have a party as that would involve spending money.

Parents can’t visit or be spoken about in the house. That is more than just down to different backgrounds and expectations

Can’t believe you stuck with him all these years - what an arsehole!

Did he pressure them to give up work ?
misogynistic ? I wonder if the Aunt he gets on well with and helps would agree with this ?
Who is Son expecting to pay for his 18th party?
The relationship has obviously broken down between family members and he doesn’t want them in his house or to argue about them anymore?

@eveningqueen456 you don't sound very well matched. He sounds awful tbh.
I'm amazed you've stayed with him so long.

This sounds rather like coercive control. Controlling who you see and where. Is he like this about your friends? The children? Or is it just you? I am amazed you have borne it for so long. No wonder your parents don’t like him. They see what you refuse to see. Quite apart from anything else, he is spoiling your last years with your family. Unless he is willing to go into extensive therapy, I would cut loose with a clear conscience. Imagine how he will be with teenagers? Maybe therapy would be beneficial to you. I think this is a larger problem than you describe. We can’t all be wrong.

@Loopylambs in what world is it not misogynistic to assume the grandmother will give up work to provide childcare rather than expecting a male relative to do the same

Lots of cultures actually .She didn’t say he didn’t expect FIL to help, he wasn’t mentioned. The DH may give up work and look after Grandchildren when the time comes. OP may have other priorities like her parents.

Might be cultural but doesn’t stop it being misogynistic

To you maybe but various faiths / cultures / generations / backgrounds, have varying beliefs / practises / lifestyles / traditions etc . Everyone has a view / opinion , which may not be identical to yours .

Your dh sounds like a joyless person with possibly a narcissistic personality disorder. He sounds controlling and extremely upright. You're being abused and you do not know it I think. I'm astonished you stayed with him so long. But when someone is in this kind of situation for so long it's difficult to realise it's not normal..

Your husband needs to grow up. How your parents spend their time or money is absolutely none of his business and unless you are in severe financial trouble he's not frugal he's just tight. Your parents won't be around forever and he is hindering your relationship with them. I'd reconsider my marriage based on his behaviour

Why are you still married to this awful man! Can't see that your parents have done anything wrong!

Your husband and has and is behaving like a spoilt, child and you have let him. Enough is enough. You need to put your foot down, as your husband has manipulated and bullied you all for too long.

Have you thought they might not have that kind of money, to lavish on holidays and expensive meals, we are in a COL crisis and money is tight for many families.
Don't just assume people have disposable money