Booked holiday with DC - ex claiming abduction - AIBU.

[SimplyMother]

Hello all, a co-parent disagreement has arisen with me and ex. I’m worried as my partner is saying my actions may be seen as international abduction.

I told my ex that I’d like to take our child to a North American country for Christmas. I am born there but have been here since youth. It has been mentioned over the few years, and I reminded him if he’d be okay with it in Dec 23, for the next Christmas. As he was okay with it, I had booked the trip in January, and told him recently as it has now been paid off. The holiday is for 3 weeks.

He texted back, “shocked,” and claimed that he never knew that it would be for this year. I said he knew and he said he didn’t remember, and it was never seriously told to him in writing. He expressed discontent with the length, as it would take our then 4 year old out of school for 2 weeks - he claimed that he would’ve given the winter holiday if I asked but I don’t believe it. He also claimed that 3 weeks is too long for an announced country that is my “home country, that isn’t classed as very safe.” He’s saying that as it was booked behind his back, what I’m doing can be classed as international abduction.

He hasn’t threatened me, but says that he is not in agreement. And he says if I go, if there are repercussions with the school, I should deal with it alone. He says that when he asked last month to discuss Christmas 2024, I should’ve brought it up then - I didn’t as it wasn’t paid off yet.

Am I wrong - is it abduction? I plan to return, my life is here.

Even if the holiday wasn’t paid off when he wanted to talk about Christmas 2024 a few weeks ago, you still had it booked so seems strange not to have mentioned it then.

It was because we were talking about custody as a whole. We had planned custody for the year, and then he asked to discuss Dec 2024 (Christmas), a later in the year in, November 2024.

As we weren’t discussing it there and then, and the holiday wasn’t paid off, I thought it’d be best not to.

@MississippiAF He will still have some days to celebrate New Year’s.

Why wait until it was fully paid to tell him? Makes it seem underhand tbh.

I think taking a child abroad for three weeks over Christmas, so the other parent completely missed the festive holidays period completely, requires explicit agreement.

I think it’s odd you discussed Christmas without saying anything to him. I also think now you have a school age child neither of you should be taking term time holidays without the others consent.

3 weeks is a long time, especially over the Christmas holidays. Had you discussed how long you were planning on taking him for and that he would be missing school. If not I can see why he is cross although I don’t know if it would count as abduction.

You didn’t mention it because you didn’t want to be challenged. Very underhand. I would be very unhappy if you did this to me and I would have great difficulty trusting you in the future.

Do you have a child arrangements order in place? If so, what does it say? If not you might want to seek a specific issue order just to make sure you don’t get in any trouble for this. But if you can find a way to smooth it over with your ex and just apologise and sort it out between you, that would be better. I would be nervous taking a child out of the country. When the other parent has said they don’t consent, it could be viewed as abduction and come back to bite you.
I think it’s completely fair enough that if it causes problems with the school that you deal with it

Get a Child Arrangement Order (£210 plus mediation) so future holidays of 28 days or less aren’t at risk.

I agree with your ex that 3 weeks is a very long time. Did I miss the bit about how often he sees his son? Will you pay his fine incurred for missing school?

Also would you be happy if he went away with his dad for 3 weeks the Christmas after?

He asked to discuss Christmas 2024 in November 2024, ans you agreed and kept quiet, knowing you already had booked the holiday away?

Yeah, that’s very underhand.

He is correct, you do need his permission. You’ll need a court order if he doesn’t agree.

Next time put everything in a message so you have screenshot proof.

That's a real shitty thing to do tbh - really sly.

The decency thing to do would have been to text him and say that as discussed in Dec, you're intent to take the children from X to X date and whether that was ok with him.

You didn't because you wanted to book what you knew he wouldn't agree and though there were more changes he felt he couldn't say no once fully booked.

Very manipulative behaviour not in any way in the best interest of the children.

It doesn't make sense that you didn't tell him because it wasn't paid off. That's obviously not the reason you didn't mention it.

Can you offer him having your child the following Christmas for the same length of time uninterrupted to try and smooth it over a bit?

Sorry but you are in the wrong, you should have got written agreement before booking. I would have been livid if my children missed school to go on holiday and 3 weeks is too long. You also say the country isn't classed as safe, this alone would make me say no

If you can't agree, you will need to settle it legally.

Be prepared to pay his school fine as well as yours.

It was very underhand not to firm it up with him. Whether you've paid for it or not is irrelevant - it's courteous to triple check before booking.
And it's disingenuous to be surprised later.
I'm team ex on this one

I’m sorry but DD is 4 in August 2024 and will be 5 in August 25.

As our child will be 4 when school starts, reception is not compulsory for DD. He’s using the off chance that DD will be “kicked out,” for two weeks of “unauthorised absences,” in favour of a compulsory age child. To me it’s far fetched, and he is overreacting.

@AnneNotEmily @PuttingDownRoots

Does the child have the same surname as you? It’s very possible if not likely that you may be challenged. I had to write a signed letter of consent for my partner and his mum to take my DD’s on holiday, and that was just 5 days in Benidorm

If it was my child I’d refuse permission too. You’ve been underhand about this.
Three weeks at Christmas is too long. I wouldn’t trust you.

She is still at school so you can’t just decide to take her out. What if he takes her out for two weeks too and she misses a month of school?

your both parents and your being very unfair and selfish.

I'd be pissed off with you because you've very obviously chosen to be deceitful.

I know some people don't mind taking their kids out of school but I do. I always feel sorry for the ones taken out before Christmas too and wouldn't allow it to happen with mine so I'm afraid I'd do what I could to put a stop to your plan.

She'll miss all the Christmas excitement and it's only her first term at school. No first nativity, no Xmas party, Christmas jumper day, no panto, not seeing her dad at all. That's not nice is it?

It's not abduction but you really should have confirmed in writing the dates and had his agreement to take her out of school. You absolutely should have brought it up when he asked to discuss Christmas plans.

I forgot to say, but ex is taking DD on holiday to EU country this year. It will be for 3 weeks - 2 with just his parents and 1 where he’ll be there too. If it’s okay for him, why can’t I?

I will be honest and say, ex did ask me months before hand. He had asked for 4 weeks and claimed it was because I travelled for 4-5 weeks in 5 months, with the longest trip away being 2.5 weeks. I said it was unfair so we both agreed in 3 weeks.

But as I’ve said, if 3 is okay for him and his family, why not me?

he says if I go, if there are repercussions with the school, I should deal with it alone.

As she'll be 4, there won't really be any repercussions. But he's not wrong the principle here.