Booked holiday with DC - ex claiming abduction - AIBU.

[SimplyMother]

Hello all, a co-parent disagreement has arisen with me and ex. I’m worried as my partner is saying my actions may be seen as international abduction.

I told my ex that I’d like to take our child to a North American country for Christmas. I am born there but have been here since youth. It has been mentioned over the few years, and I reminded him if he’d be okay with it in Dec 23, for the next Christmas. As he was okay with it, I had booked the trip in January, and told him recently as it has now been paid off. The holiday is for 3 weeks.

He texted back, “shocked,” and claimed that he never knew that it would be for this year. I said he knew and he said he didn’t remember, and it was never seriously told to him in writing. He expressed discontent with the length, as it would take our then 4 year old out of school for 2 weeks - he claimed that he would’ve given the winter holiday if I asked but I don’t believe it. He also claimed that 3 weeks is too long for an announced country that is my “home country, that isn’t classed as very safe.” He’s saying that as it was booked behind his back, what I’m doing can be classed as international abduction.

He hasn’t threatened me, but says that he is not in agreement. And he says if I go, if there are repercussions with the school, I should deal with it alone. He says that when he asked last month to discuss Christmas 2024, I should’ve brought it up then - I didn’t as it wasn’t paid off yet.

Am I wrong - is it abduction? I plan to return, my life is here.

You won't get a fine as she is under CSA. Neither would you lose her school place if she is fully on roll with the school.
Apologise and smooth it over with your ex, enjoy the time away with your daughter. Be prepared for him wanting Christmas next year though,

I can see why he’s upset.

And he’s reasonable to say if it causes any issues with your child’s school it’s your responsibility to handle that - although disclaimer I have no idea whether it would or not.

Can you try and come to a compromise of giving him more time with your child another time - over the summer holidays perhaps?

I can see why he’s upset and he feels like you hid it. You shouldn’t have waited until it was paid off to mention it, if it was relevant to what you were already discussing.

I'm really confused. What North American country isn't classed as safe?

Do you just mean the USA?

Because when she is in school things change.

because Christmas is different to another holiday

Mexico perhaps?

I don't think OP's done much wrong tbh. If her country of origin is on another continent, it doesn't make sense to fly long haul with a small child for a week or whatever. A 3-week holiday seems perfectly reasonable to me and if she's been worried her DC's father would kick off about it then that doesn't say much for him imo. In any case, she discussed it at Christmas last year and he agreed then. People asking if she'd be happy for him to have the DC for 3 weeks the following year are missing the point a little unless he's also from another continent originally. As for school, the child will be four by then, so still under statutory school age.

This isn't legal advice at all, OP, so don't view it as such, but personally, I would be inclined to email him promptly something along the lines of: "As previously discussed verbally, I have now booked a Christmas trip between these dates, which means DC will finish school on xx date. I will take responsibility for informing school and paying any fines that are payable. I'd be grateful if you could give your permission for this trip, which is intended as an introduction to DC's North American family. We will return to the UK on xx date."

I would think (but don't know for sure, as I say) that if he doesn't block it in a timely manner that that could be taken as consent. But if he does block it you'd have time to apply to the court for permission. If your family of origin are that far away, the benefits to DC of going are pretty obvious.

@PinkFrogss

Mexico is south. Probably a Caribbean Island.

If it's Haiti, I wouldn't want anyone taking my child there at the moment.

Yabvu and deceitful. I feel sorry for your child missing the Christmas excitement at school too. I think you are being quite selfish here. You are grasping at straws with the 'not legal requirement until 5' argument. The point is you have chosen to take up a school place - you can't then just decide she goes to school/stays off when it suits you.

Mexico is in North America

It'll be worth the money to get the legal approval, as he could easily turn once you're on your way to the airport and claim he never approved it/he thinks you're abducting her. Going to court with a history of him already having planned an equal period away and the fact that she's not of compulsory school age (so there is no way her place will be withdrawn) will show that it's directly comparable to what your DC has with him - a holiday and a relationship with her paternal relatives.

Yes you’re correct, I forgot sorry. I still am assuming it’s an Island as there aren’t many Mexicans in the UK.

You were economical in communicating your plans until it was booked. Presumably his family holiday was openly discussed beforehand. If you want it watertight you will need to go to court.

This. YABVU and selfish.

I think it’s more selfish of him to deny his child a chance to meet their family, because a holiday wasn’t done the way he wanted it to be done.

He's not denying it. You've done it in a very underhand way and you've done it in the first term at school which at her young age will be important for settling in and over Christmas too. She'll miss out but you're not bothered.

And he may be referring to the fact that if parents are being fined for absence (which may not apply on this occasion as dc is below csa) it applies to both, not just the one taking them out.

You haven’t been there since youth but now it’s oh so important that you have to go for so long over Christmas?

I have been a few times. I know my family there, that’s why I want DD to go and meet them.

Sorry I misread the post and thought you had said you hadn’t been since youth.

i still think the timing you have chosen is selfish though. Would you be happy to not see her for three weeks over Christmas?

I wouldn't be happy either if I were him.

Missing school, 3 weeks over Christmas, you conveniently not mentioning it 'because you hadn't paid it off'.

No, I wouldn't be happy at all.

I needed to take written permission from my DH to take our DS to the USA because he was travelling with only one parent. Have you checked whether you will need to same for where you’re going, OP?

No it's not more selfish.

She doesn't have to go at Christmas and she doesn't have to miss school.

No, I didn’t think this was an issue. Our DD has both our last names. Is it the same for your DC?

I think you went it about it the wrong way but it's not that big a deal.
Did you answer the passport question ?